What up with this?

I've been talking to this girl on match.com (yes, I figured I'd try it out) for the past week or so. I sent her a wink a month ago to let her know I was interested. I had forgotten all about her as she didn't return my wink, but then out of the blue she sent me an email saying she liked my profile and would like to know more about me.

We emailed back and forth some and everything seemed to be going well. However, it's important to note that there were some large gaps in the time it would take her to email back though - I think once it was like 5 or 6 days. I had pretty much given up on her, but then she emailed me back and gave me her number, saying the emails were getting long and she had a lot to say. So, I gave her a call. I got voice mail of course, which was to be expected, as she said she might be busy that night. She called me back the next night, but I was at a basketball game so I didn't hear my phone. By the time I noticed it was too late. I gave her a call the next day, and she didn't answer, so I left my phone at home and went out with some friends to grab a quick beer. When I got home, I noticed that she had called back almost right after I left. She left me a message with her AIM name in it, and told me to get online at work so we could chat and set up a time to talk on the phone.

I got online the next day and chatted with her for a bit at work, but we didn't set up a time that day, as I was busy, and she had signed off for the day while I was away from the computer.

The following day I saw her online, and we talked all day long. She seemed really cool! We had a lot in common as far as job and interests, and seemed like someone I would date. Plus, she was pretty cute - at least from her pictures. I asked if she had facebook and gmail, and she gave both of them to me without hesitation. I kinda let her do most of the talking. I just kept asking her interesting questions so she could talk about herself, and would answer any questions she asked me, but try to keep my answers short. At some point in the convo I told her "OK, no more phone tag." and said I was going to call her that night, and asked her when was a good time to call. We set up a time - around 10 or 10:30PM. The convo went on for a little bit more, but then she signed off without saying bye or anything.

Anyways, I called her that night, but wherever she was at was loud and I couldn't really hear her (it was a Friday night, so she might have been out). She asked if she could call back in an hour or so. I told her sure, I might be out drinking but why the hell not. So of course she never called, which is too bad, because I was going to ask her if she would like to meet me for coffee the next evening.

Two days went by and there was no call. I get to work today (Monday) and she is nowhere to be found online. Maybe she's busy, or maybe she's not at work today, or MAYBE she simply is now avoiding me? Seems a bit ridiculous to be doing that already though, as we haven't even met each other yet, and from what I can tell all of our emails/chats have gone fine.

What the hell do I do?

I know it seems like a stupid question, but I'm really not up for a bunch of game playing. I did too much of that as I was going through a breakup with my girlfriend of 4 years, which was about 6 months ago, and I don't want to deal with any of that bull$hit right now. However, I also realize that game playing is involved in dating, whether I want it to be or not, so if I gotta do it, I guess I will.


People I've asked for advice have given me both options. Some say I should wait for her to call, because that's what she said she would do, and she needs to follow through or it's not worth it - if I were to call her that would make me seem needy. Others say that girls say they are gonna call all the time and don't as a way of testing the guy to see if he's really interested. Well, I'm definitely interested but I barely even know her and have never actually MET her. I don't want to play into any stupid games, and I don't want to take any sort of submissive position in any future relationship I get myself into. So I dunno what to do. What I don't get is why she would give me her number, talk to me all day long, return every call up until now, but then not call back when she said she would, or at least call the next day?! Stupid girls.

My plan as of right now was to call her tonight, and if she didn't answer then just forget about her and look for someone else. It would be a shame though, as I feel like we would get along very well.

Anyone?

frangipanis

it's my impression you're used to things moving faster and you're confused ~ sort of like culture shock

freakinconfused

Could be, haha why do you think I'm freakinconfused? I don't know though. Every girl is different so, maybe she just goes this slow.

frangipanis

maybe she does lol

why not ask her how she feels about dating you? Is she nervous, shy, inhibited? Does she feel ready to be emotionally involved? And maybe send her flowers... just a thought

talaniman

Hey guy, I liked your response ,and only you can know if she is worth the time or not. Sometimes its better to move on, and stop spinning our wheels.

freakinconfused

Point taken.

Chery

Hi freakinconfused...
I've now read it all and it makes for very interesting reading. I don't think you need to worry that anything is wrong with you - you might analyze a bit much, but that's understandable give what you've been through in the past.

I have a few thoughts on this lady that have not been approached and might not even apply, but we humans are all different, emotionally and otherwise.

So, let me try something out:

I have been chronically ill with several diagnoses throughout my life, some going as far back as childhood.

During my twenties, I tried as best as I could to fit in the normal life - even though I was in severe pain 24/7 - didn't tell anyone and did my best to hide the symptoms (spine-degeneration, arthritis, fribrmyalgia - to mention a few) from others. Working hard and keeping my job was my main goal in trying hard to fit in and manage. So, during this time, I worked hard, met people and even went on dates and tried my best to follow-up phonecalls, scheduling dates with full intention of keeping them - but my illness and strong medication were in command and forced me to miss a lot of them. I also did not always get to return phoncalls or letters because I was so heavily medicated that I was in another world and ashamed of being so weak and didn't feel like bothering others by explaining my problem. When I did have occasions to be 'normal' I eagerly made new dates and enjoyed having fun and being normal for the time allowed. This frustrated me to the point where I would cut all communication from the world for several days at a time - I felt helpless during those flares. But, still I refused to share my weakness with others and it only made things worse because they thought that I was stuck-up or cold or irresponsible and insensitive. I know better now, but when I was young, I let my pride get in the way and feared rejection if I told others my 'secret'.

Another possible reason for such behaviour you described is that of non-prescription drug use which can lead to irresponsibility and apathy - and when sobering up, one tends to try and act like nothing is wrong.

There could also be an indication of personality disorder which is also difficult for an individual to control at will.

Even now, at the age of 57, I was placed on medication which I did not want due to cancer. These were strong opiate patches and they made me feel so sick and lethargic the last three weeks, that I just stayed in my place, not getting on the computer, not visiting with my grandchild, and just plain not wanting to do anything anymore. I went through motions but was in another world which I did not like at all. It took a lot of fighting with the doctors to finally get me off this medication so that I had a clear mind again to be able to spend quality time with family and friends and my cyber-family here on AMHD. Believe me, without them, I would rather not live any longer.

So, even though you may be confused, there could be other more serious reasons for her behaviour besides trying to play games with you. She might have more on her plate than she can handle sometimes but is ashamed to open up to anyone for fear of being rejected.

I know this all may sound off the wall - but in this day and age anything is possible.

So, don't worry too much about your imagined shortcomings - you might not have done anything at all wrong.. and she might not even know better as something else entirely might have more control over her than she admits.

Tell her she is confusing you and that you'd like to understand her irratic actions and see if she even realizes what she is doing and explain why. At least then, you'll know where you stand and can go on with your life.

Sorry this wound up being so long, but there could be more to a picture than what we see a few times a week.