What up with this?

I've been talking to this girl on match.com (yes, I figured I'd try it out) for the past week or so. I sent her a wink a month ago to let her know I was interested. I had forgotten all about her as she didn't return my wink, but then out of the blue she sent me an email saying she liked my profile and would like to know more about me.

We emailed back and forth some and everything seemed to be going well. However, it's important to note that there were some large gaps in the time it would take her to email back though - I think once it was like 5 or 6 days. I had pretty much given up on her, but then she emailed me back and gave me her number, saying the emails were getting long and she had a lot to say. So, I gave her a call. I got voice mail of course, which was to be expected, as she said she might be busy that night. She called me back the next night, but I was at a basketball game so I didn't hear my phone. By the time I noticed it was too late. I gave her a call the next day, and she didn't answer, so I left my phone at home and went out with some friends to grab a quick beer. When I got home, I noticed that she had called back almost right after I left. She left me a message with her AIM name in it, and told me to get online at work so we could chat and set up a time to talk on the phone.

I got online the next day and chatted with her for a bit at work, but we didn't set up a time that day, as I was busy, and she had signed off for the day while I was away from the computer.

The following day I saw her online, and we talked all day long. She seemed really cool! We had a lot in common as far as job and interests, and seemed like someone I would date. Plus, she was pretty cute - at least from her pictures. I asked if she had facebook and gmail, and she gave both of them to me without hesitation. I kinda let her do most of the talking. I just kept asking her interesting questions so she could talk about herself, and would answer any questions she asked me, but try to keep my answers short. At some point in the convo I told her "OK, no more phone tag." and said I was going to call her that night, and asked her when was a good time to call. We set up a time - around 10 or 10:30PM. The convo went on for a little bit more, but then she signed off without saying bye or anything.

Anyways, I called her that night, but wherever she was at was loud and I couldn't really hear her (it was a Friday night, so she might have been out). She asked if she could call back in an hour or so. I told her sure, I might be out drinking but why the hell not. So of course she never called, which is too bad, because I was going to ask her if she would like to meet me for coffee the next evening.

Two days went by and there was no call. I get to work today (Monday) and she is nowhere to be found online. Maybe she's busy, or maybe she's not at work today, or MAYBE she simply is now avoiding me? Seems a bit ridiculous to be doing that already though, as we haven't even met each other yet, and from what I can tell all of our emails/chats have gone fine.

What the hell do I do?

I know it seems like a stupid question, but I'm really not up for a bunch of game playing. I did too much of that as I was going through a breakup with my girlfriend of 4 years, which was about 6 months ago, and I don't want to deal with any of that bull$hit right now. However, I also realize that game playing is involved in dating, whether I want it to be or not, so if I gotta do it, I guess I will.


People I've asked for advice have given me both options. Some say I should wait for her to call, because that's what she said she would do, and she needs to follow through or it's not worth it - if I were to call her that would make me seem needy. Others say that girls say they are gonna call all the time and don't as a way of testing the guy to see if he's really interested. Well, I'm definitely interested but I barely even know her and have never actually MET her. I don't want to play into any stupid games, and I don't want to take any sort of submissive position in any future relationship I get myself into. So I dunno what to do. What I don't get is why she would give me her number, talk to me all day long, return every call up until now, but then not call back when she said she would, or at least call the next day?! Stupid girls.

My plan as of right now was to call her tonight, and if she didn't answer then just forget about her and look for someone else. It would be a shame though, as I feel like we would get along very well.

Anyone?

freakinconfused

Yeah, that's right. I just quoted myself.

Ahhh women. So I asked her if I had upset her or offended her, or she just plain wasn't feeling it. Yeah, stupid move after all. But anyway, she said no, I didn't upset her at all. But then I got the old "Sorry I've been really busy and stressed" line. Was she really busy and stressed? Maybe. Maybe not. No way to know, and doesn't matter really (haha except it matters just enough to log on and type this). I told her no worries, long as she was honest. Then I said when life calms down a bit for her I'd like to go see this movie we'd been talking about if she was still interested. I wasn't planning on a particular day or anything, but she suggested Sunday (today). I told her I was free after 7. She said cool, she'll give me a call. Too bad my gut told me she was full of it. Too bad I was right. Who does that tho? I gave her the out she needed if she wasn't interested. But then she goes and sets up a date and time to do something, and then never calls. How rude. Time to mark this one down as a loss. Tis a shame tho. Other than her random behavior she was a cool girl.

No biggie, got another one lined up hopefully.

lmnotok

Hey dude, why do you put yourself into a misery? I met a guy who acted like your girl too. And know what i did to him? Delete all his information, phone number, ID,... everything, and thank God, he's out of my mind too. Its hard but it works.

I think you should think about future. Just imagine once this girl be ur gf and she still acts like this then is that what you want to be treated? No dude, i guess you dont. So yep, you dont need anyone who doesnt need you.

talaniman

Hey guy, if your going to date around, stop wearing your heart on your sleeve. I think your making way to much drama, for a few dates. Do the fun, and leave the rest alone. Keep it moving, and don't get stuck.

freakinconfused

Very true. I am guilty of that.

freakinconfused

Hmm, where do I even start with this one? This girl absolutely confounds me.

Since my last post (after I had given her up as a loss) we actually ended up going to a movie. She talked to me online after she didn't call me that Sunday and acted like she didn't just stand me up. I was kinda pissed, but I figured I'd give her another shot. At some point I told her to let me know when she was free. She said she was on Thursday and asked what I'd like to do. I told her that I'm leaving it up to her this time. She chose to go to the movie that we were going to go to the Sunday she stood me up. When I got to the theater to meet her, she had already bought tickets for us!

I had planned on making some moves on her while we where at the movie, but of course she chooses the two seats with the arm rest down between them, and I wasn't able to raise it because she put her drink in the holder... so nothing happened that time. Just enjoyed the movie, then parted ways.

Then a few days later we went out to eat and then went back to her place to watch some TV. We hung out and drank a few beers...however I couldn't get comfortable enough to take her hand, or go in for a kiss or anything. Plus, her body language was kinda "closed off," as in she had her legs crossed and her hands in her lap, and sat on the couch a little bit aways from me. I inched my way closer throughout the night, but still nothing. After watching TV, as I was leaving for the night, I tried to stall as long as I could to find a moment for a kiss, but she was standing there with her arms crossed and it didn't appear very inviting, so I didn't make any moves again and just went home feeling like a loser.

We went out to dinner some time after that. She was going out of town for work the next day, so I was determined to show my romantic interest and go for a kiss before I got put into the friend zone...but again it didn't happen. I went home frustrated that night, so I texted her and asked her if she was asleep yet. She said no, so I told her to meet me outside her place in 15 minutes. I drove over, waited for her to come out but she didn't. So, I sent a text saying something like "alright then," and she sent one back saying "you never came" and I said "yeah I did, come outside." So she came out, and I walked right up to her, pulled her up to me and kissed her a few times. She asked me if I forgot something in a joking way, and I nervously spit out something like "Yeah, and I just wanted to give you that before you went out of town." She said something like "Thanks!" and I was like "No, thank you!" and jumped in my ride and left.

Now, I figured after this either she would think I was crazy or really start to dig me. Since I kissed her, we've hung out once more - we went to a festival in the area in which I live. We took a cab and chatted the whole way there. We hung out with some of her friends and drank some, then went out afterward to a bar. I was suprised to find out that she had told her friends stuff about me, like that we've gone on dates, what video games I like, that I play music, etc. We had a good time, but I didn't think it was an awesome time really - she seemed kind of uptight and nervous for most of it, but I think she was just feeling claustrophobic around all the people.

Anyway, on the cab ride home she didn't say but like 2 words to me. She just sat there with her eyes closed. She could have been drunk or something, but I started to think about how lame it was that she wasn't being talkative and that maybe she didn't have fun, and maybe she didn't like me after all. I asked if she was OK, and she said she was tired. Then, when we got to her place she kissed me real quick, then jumped out of the cab. So then I thought, OK well maybe she does like me....so I sent her text when I got home saying "You are so hot!" No response though.

Now here's where it gets weird. I would expect at this point she would maybe call me some, or attempt to hang out with me of her own accord - you know, show some kind of interest so that I didn't feel like I was wasting my time with her. Nothing of the sort though.

Monday we were supposed to hang out at my place and watch a movie or something...we had set this up about a week earlier. Only, Monday, she wasn't anywhere to be found online (which is how we normally talk during the day while at work). I called her Monday evening on my way home, she didn't answer. I sent her a text saying something like "Hey I tried to call, thought we were hanging out tonight. Give me a call if you wanna come over and kick it!" She called like 3 hours later. I didn't hear my phone because I assumed she wasn't going to call back and got involved in working on some music, which I do in my spare time. Plus, I was kind of pissed because she waited until it was really too late to hang out to respond. She then sent a text saying something like "I'm with a friend who needs company, you can come hang out with us if you want, sorry about tonight." I didn't respond to the text.

I saw her online again the next day. I told her no worries about the other night, and that we could hang out some other time. She said "OK, cool." I tried to start up a convo with her but she acted uninterested, and stopped talking to me after about 5 sentences. I tried to ask if she was busy, but she didn't answer at all. Now I'm all confused again. This chick is crazy. I figured after I kissed her her interest level would have either plummeted or gone up, but it still seems the same, as if she kind of likes me but not really. If I try to measure her by her actions, I come to three conclusions: a) She's not really all that interested, but has nothing better going on at the moment, so I'll do for now. b) She doesn't really like me all that much, but continues to do stuff with me because it makes her look better to her friends and family to have someone to "date." She seems like an independent person who doesn't date all that often - maybe her friends/family were pressuring her. c.) She does like me and is interested, but doesn't know how to express it or move forward with it. Also, she seemed like an inexperienced kisser, which made me feel like perhaps she hasn't been with many guys and doesn't know how to act when dating someone (this could be speculation though as first kisses are usually a little awkward). But, if this were the case I would expect her to at least be excited and want to hang out with me, and show some initiative - any initiative. A random, unexpected text, phone call, email, invitation to hang out, anything would do. Rarely, if ever happens though...so I'm thinking it's probably A or B.

Anyone? What you think? Sorry for the length. I like details.

talaniman

I can't help but notice this whole thing is about you, and your expectations, and subsequent frustration, and IMPATIENCE. Thats not a very good way to get to know someone new, and just me, whats your hurry? Just me, with a stranger, paying attention, making her relaxed, and comfortable in your company, and making love to her mind, is always the priority. Just my opinion but your chasing to hard, and she keeps her walls up. Do young guys nowadays really expect a sign, or something, that the female is interested? Wow, I always thought if she was there she, was at least willing to see what you got, and how you present it. I also suspect the maturity level may be a bit uneven in her favor, or I don't think you would be as confused, or inclined to rush faster than she may be willing go. Slow down, and concentrate on who she is, not what.

LivingtheLifeinFLA

THIS GIRL IS A FLAKE. Are you sure that she is not carrying the torch for someone else? Hot, cold, mixed signals confused, partially interested. Ask her what her last boyfriend was like, you need to find out what attracts her.

Tal - Do young guys nowadays really expect a sign, or something, that the female is interested? YES, when a girl likes you she makes it real easy for you, just like his last gf. The bottom line is - Are you getting the results that you want? If not there comes a point to move on.

See, I think that it is the challenge that is driving you crazy. She is playing games big time and she knows what she is doing. Is it really that hard to send a text that says "I enjoyed your friendship, but I not sure that we are a match, I hope you the best" NO! So why the pseudo interest.

Every girl that I worked this hard for was a pain in the @$$ and a bad lay after I finally got it. How did I get it? By finally getting mad and treating them like dirt. They then started to become attentive.

My take, she is either still interested in someone else and is stringing you along as a backup, or she is very insecure emotionally and needs the attention, or she doesn't have anything better to do (most probably 2 and 3). She is playing the games conscientiously because either she is not interested and needs the attention or she is testing you too see how much crap you will take from her and who will be in charge of the relationship.

Just play the game back, she's not going to be worth it, so you might as well have some fun. When she calls answer and tell her you will call her right back, then call the next day. Set up a date and cancel the last minute. Basically do everything she is doing to you and don't call her on Friday nights, don't you have anything better to do?

By the way, how old are the both of you, how attractive is she (does she always get hit on?) and what was the deal with her last bf (jerk, nice guy, etc..)?

talaniman

Maybe thats part of the problem, young guys expect things to be made easy for them. I think she may know better than to make things so easy, as she may want to take time and see what he is all about. You do have a point, as if a guy is not wanting to work a little, he can always find an easier female, like his ex maybe.

freakinconfused

Hell yes she's a flake. Do you mean she's dating someone else? To be honest, I have no idea really because we only hang out about once or twice a week. I don't think she is though, because when I went to hang out with her and her coworkers last weekend I got the vibe that I was the only person she was seeing. But, it's impossible to be sure.


Hard to answer that. I'll get the results I want for a few weeks, and then she'll turn cold. Then she'll warm up again, and then cold again. It really just getting to the point to where it's not worth my effort. My energy would be better spent on someone else.

To answer your last question, we're both 25. She's a bit older than me though, and will be 26 in a couple of weeks. Unfortunately I don't really know anything about her last boyfriend. I haven't had the chance to ask her yet. I have a sneaking suspicion though that she either hasn't really had too many boyfriends.

At first when she started acting this way, I figured she might be dating someone else besides me, which is fine. No reason she can't, and no reason I can't either. But, as I got to know her more, and after I kissed her, I came to the conclusion that she probably hadn't been with too many guys. So I'm not sure if she's actually playing games or has no game whatsoever. Either that, or she really just doesn't like me that much, which is fine, but I wish she would simply say she's not feeling it if that was the case. I've even asked her this once a few weeks back and gave her an out if she wasn't feeling a connection, but what does she go and do? Set up a date, and then blow me off!

As far as her attractiveness level, I'd rate her somewhere around a 7. She isn't super hot, but isn't bad looking by any means. Dresses conservatively. She's decent looking, but not a knockout. So no, she probably doesn't get hit on all that often, but who knows. I don't think it matters at this point really.

I think I'm going to have to give up on this one, again...lol! She's pissed me off anyways...my band played a show last night and she was supposed to come. I even texted her to remind her, but she never responded and never showed. My plan now I guess it to just not talk to her anymore. I dunno what to do really...probably doesn't even matter at this point.

freakinconfused

Don't get me wrong, I have no problem taking time, and I have no problem working to get a girl. It seems like to me though that I'm just not getting anywhere with her, and we've been hanging out for a couple of months now. I feel like a.) the harder I try, the more desperate it makes me look, and b.) my efforts haven't really gotten me that far...and I've put in the majority of the effort at this point. All I'm asking from her for is a little sign that I'm going in the right direction. There comes a point where if I keep trying and she keeps acting the same way then I have no incentive or motivation to continue forward. Otherwise, I'd be a stalker. I don't know, maybe I'm just used to things moving a bit faster...