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    I said something about an ex boyfriend's penis size to my current boyfriend

    Asked Aug 6, 2012, 09:04 PM 9 Answers
    I'm fifty something and very much in love with my current boyfriend, also in his fifities, we were lovers back when we were 16. We have rekindled our relationship after 37 years apart. He's divorced and I have been separated for over two years. We are very much in love and plan on a long, everlasting relationship. We've been together for a year and nine months.

    Before I was married, from high school on into college, I had this other boyfriend for about four years, he was a cheater and I finally realized I couldn't change him. I cheated on my husband a couple of times with this old college days boyfriend, once about thirteen years ago and again about three years ago. When my present boyfriend found out about it, he had a lot of questions. My present boyfriend can't understand why I cheated on my, then husband with my old cheating college boyfriend. I began to feel cornered and had been drinking a bit, and I told him I cheated with my old college boyfriend because he has a large penis.

    My present boyfriend finally stopped asking questions, but now he thinks I think about this old boyfriend and about his size and I feel bad that I chose those words to make him stop hounding me about why I cheated with this guy. My current boyfriend is an average size guy and is great in bed. I have no thoughts of ever going back to the college boyfriend and I love my current guy so much.

    It's been over a year since I told him this and he still says it bothers him that I said it. We're both love each other very much and are hoping to move in with each other, he just can't get over me telling him that the guy I cheated with, has a large penis. Is there something I can do or say to make this better? I have apologized. Or, does my current boyfriend have to deal with this all by himself and if so. What do we do?

    I feel badly for saying it to begin with, but what's said is said.

    Last edited by talaniman; Aug 7, 2012 at 04:08 PM.
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    9 Answers
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 47,030, Reputation: 10286
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    #2

    Aug 7, 2012, 05:13 PM


    You keep talking without throwing unnecessary crap in the game. Its not honest to deflect questions you are not comfortable with without acknowledging that discomfort, because he deserves fair answers, but he has to be responsible for dealing with whatever those answers are, and the feelings they stir up.

    You deal with this together, with empathy and compassion, and being honest. That's the only way communications can bond you for the life of the relationship, or any resolutions, compromises can benefit you both. If you are not willing to respond honestly, this won't work, and you should always be thoughtful about how you express yourself to your partner.

    Please read what was told to your partner, and its confusing when you both post under the same user name.

    http://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relatio...on-688785.html
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    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 25,673, Reputation: 5612
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    #3

    Aug 7, 2012, 05:20 PM
    Doesn't sound like he'll get over it.

    http://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relatio...on-688785.html

    I have to ask, why are both of you posting on the same account, about the same issue, instead of talking to each other about it?
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    mmresd's Avatar
    mmresd Posts: 1,978, Reputation: 551
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    #4

    Aug 7, 2012, 05:24 PM
    Be supportive, feed his ego to where he can't take it anymore, that will help him over that. See when you tell a regular sized man about a previous guy you have been with that was more endowed it created insecurities. Compliment him on his sex, on how he makes you feel, be verbal about it and that will increase his ego. This will help him get over it, right now the comment you made makes him think he is not good enough, but you say that you are, this is the time to show/tell him that.
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    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 16,513, Reputation: 2330
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    #5

    Aug 7, 2012, 05:29 PM
    When I'm sort of down in the dumps and mulling over the past, I remember things said to me about various parts of my body from 25, 35, 50 years ago (I'm 65). When I'm OK, I forget about them. If you two are happy with each other, this sort of thing should be able to disappear with enough time. But the damage has been done in bed, because you really did something very stupid: you went out of your way to have sex with someone who you didn't even like just because of his penis. So now you have to pay for that by telling your boyfriend over and over and showing him over and over how wonderful he is. And you have to mean it. I see no reason to hide why you are going overboard on this either - tell him you will spend the rest of your life making up for it with adulation.
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    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 25,673, Reputation: 5612
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    #6

    Aug 7, 2012, 05:35 PM
    The fact is, they're both posting on the same account, about the same issue.

    Either they're trolling, or they're not doing the one thing they should be doing, which is talking to each other, instead of people on the internet.

    You're not teens, you both should know that communication is the key to any good relationship. Seems that that aspect of your relationship is missing. You're talking to complete strangers instead of each other.
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    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 75,720, Reputation: 7217
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    #7

    Aug 7, 2012, 05:37 PM


    First to be honest it was something that did not need to be said, you don't talk about or compare lovers.
    For him, he is being juv since size is not the issue, women get the most pleasure often with their own finger, if you are bigger than that, you have all it takes. Most women don't get as much during actual intercourse it is in the pre and after sex where the women gets most of her enjoymet
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    smearcase's Avatar
    smearcase Posts: 2,218, Reputation: 289
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    #8

    Aug 7, 2012, 06:11 PM
    I think you have pretty well bought the farm with this guy. It will never go away in my humble opinion. Stay off the sauce with the next guy. Many folks say that people speak their true opinions when they are drunk. It is pretty well impossible to comment knowing that both parties are reading the answers most likely. But as John Adams said-Facts are very stubborn things.
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    Tormented's Avatar
    Tormented Posts: 7, Reputation: 1
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    #9

    Aug 8, 2012, 08:42 PM
    Indeed we are talking to each other, every time it comes up and all I can do is apologise again and tell him he is wonderful. He just ponders on what I said and not what's going on with us. We have wonderful sex and in my opinion, all is good in bed. He felt he would like some outside input on this forum and it has helped.
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    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 47,030, Reputation: 10286
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    #10

    Aug 9, 2012, 06:55 AM


    Often the real conflict is what we go through trying to resolve or fix our problems. I think long term partners are both patient, and understanding of their partners, and what affects them, and WILLING to keep working on things.

    As long as that happens eventually resolution is reached, or good ways to deal with them can be found. Take a break sometimes, and revisit this when talking is easier, and emotions are not so involved. That's the advantage of long term commitments, things don't have to be fixed in one day, or even in a week if you know how, and when to talk.
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