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I am in a mess, and need some advice.
My wife and I have been together for 11 years. She recently told me she does not have "those" feelings for me anymore. I was shocked and heartbroke. She claims I was the perfect husband and father and it has nothing to do with me and that she is not seeing anyone else. She is 32 this year and has been hanging around a friend who is 19 and they have been going out alot(the bar scene). She asked me to separate for a while to see if she can get her feelings straightened out. I have moved to an apartment and she is in the house with our 2 children. I have them 50% of the time. I have suggested marriage counselling but she will not go. I have went myself. She wants to do a 3 month split to see where we end up. Do I give her the 3 months or do I try to settle it now?
Strangely enough I have heard of people leaving after 10+ years in a relationship, its very sad but not uncommon. I think you should really pursue the idea of marriage counseling, it would not only help you and her, but maybe find out what is wrong with her. If she is not willing to go to counseling, then maybe you should suggest that she go and talk to somone.Like a psychotherapist or just a regular old counselor. Sometimes time is the best medicince, and she might just need time but I am a little suspicious of it because you have been together a while, and I don't see how a random number of months will fix her problem. I recommend that you talk to her a little more and actually find out her plan on what she wants to do with herself and what role you will play in her life, husband or ex. I know that is has been pretty straight foward and believe me I feel for you, it has to be so hard to just here this out of the blue, but you are taking the right steps by reaching out to someone, even if it is over the internet. Know that if any more problems arise or you are having more trouble that we are ready and willing to help.
P.S. When she becomes adamant that she doesn't want help, and she just demands time apart, it might not be bad to look into talking to a lawyer for the upcoming child support issue. If she is willing to do what she did to then it might not be out of her reach to screw you with the kids and that is the last thing you need.
I think it's a little strange that she's going to the bar with a 19 year old friend, when she's 32. I know age doesn't always mean anything but it almost seems like she's going through some sort of crisis of feeling older and is trying to relive her younger and more freer years, possibly before she had children. Btw, I hope the children are being properly supervised while she is at the bar, especially since you say she goes there a lot.
If she doesn't want counselling, there's really not much you can do... you can't force her. I would suggest though that you go to counselling yourself. It would likely be helpful for you, to sort out things. It also may help you to decide whether you want a trial seperation or go right into divorce proceedings.
i feel terribly sorry for you. i really do. it must be such a horrible thing to hear when you are married and have kids.
i just recently heard it from my girlfriend of 7 years. the exact same thing. she doesnt love me anymore. horrible horrible heart wrenching thing to hear.
i am only 24 and had been with her for 7 years. she is the same age. im not sure if this applies to you or not as there are so many other factors (such as kids, marriage etc) but it was put to me on this forum that she had never had that wild girl period in her life. she was with me through this whole time. your wife has been with you since she was 21. perhaps the same thing applies and she is finding this fulfillment with the 19 year old. my ex is also finding her fulfillment with her younger sister who is 18.
as i said your situation is so different for many reasons but it is also similar in many ways. if councelling doesnt work then perhaps you need to let her go and expereince what she is with this younger women. hopefully she snaps out of it but there must be something that she is getting out of this that she needs at the moment. it doesnt make it right but she wont stop as long as she thinks she is doing nothing wrong.
i hope everything works out for you. stick in there and concentrate on the love you can offer your children at this time. they must be hurting so try and help them as much as you can even if you cant help your wife.
good luck. keep us informed.
Hi,
I am sorry to read this, and you do have some great answers.
Ever heard the old saying about the "eleven year itch"? Not many have, since I'm 64, married now for 29 years. I went through a Divorce after my 1st 7 years of marriage, with two small boys. Then 3 yrs later, married again. Your wife has a 19 year old friend? If this "friend" is a boy, then your 32 yr old wife is digressing to something in the past!
I highly suggest you talk with a lawyer. You have done all you can, and since you have moved out, talk with the lawyer about that. As another stated, she should have moved out. I do commend you for that, but you have given her an "easy out", by letting her keep on with everything, except you!
Since you have already tried getting her to Marriage Counseling, and she won't go, you have no other alternative. Please talk with a Lawyer, and see what to do next. You are facing Child Support, probably no alimony, since she instigated this, but you need some Professional advice. I do wish you the best.
I think this is exactly it. Both men and women can go through a mid-life crisis that compells them to do foolish things.
I would say to give it a chance and a little time, but if she insists on chasing this dream, you will have to move on with your own life.
You've received some super advice from everybody here, and also some insight of other's problems, so you know full well that you're not alone in this.
Stay with us and also keep us posted as best as you can. I would also give her the ultimatum of either seeing a councilor with you, or get ready to make a clean cut. This might make her reflect on what she really wants a little faster - and you'll no longer be in the dark.
Good luck dear, and I hope you have the chance to enjoy quality time with the kids.
When it happens to someone else, it does not hurt as much, but you realize that you're not alone in this.
Firstoff I would like to thank everyone for their responses. I did give her a letter tonight when I picked up the kids. It basically stated that I was willing to do whatever it took to repair and rebuild our relationship and that I was giving her the weekend to think again about counselling, and that I wanted an answer either way. She either wants to make it work or is willing to try or we split for good.
I have consulted with a lawyer as she does not want to leave the house regardless of what happens. The lawyer suggested I move back in and force the house issue as she is not able to buy me out but I am capable of buying her out. My counsellor suggested that the 3 month separation would not fix anything without counselling.
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