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I'm finding it very hard to deal with a recent split.
We were seeing each other for just over a year and things were wonderful. We even had a plan of getting a house and married etc. We moved to another part of the country to setup home as house prices were cheaper in that part of the country. For the first 2months it was wonderful
It all started going wrong when she wanted to fulfil a fantasy. To be with two guys.
I didn't have a problem with this as I have been swinging as the extra person with couples in the distant past...so I didn't have any sexuality problems on this. She wanted to ‘like’ the guy for something like that to happen
After a big let down when we tried it out, she continued seeing the guy under the pretence that they were just friends and I could do nothing about it. It carried on for three weeks and she fell in love with the guy. Even after me having a nervous breakdown and to have her the next day look me in the eye and say nothing was going on.
One week later she tried to break up with me nicely. Saying the classic line of “I love you but I’m not in love with you” I thought this was genuine but its because of money I owe her.
Its been 5 weeks, she is getting on with life with her new guy, I have nothing, only a car that I owe her money for and she is bugging me for it even though once I get another job I will need it. We have no written contract and I’ve been tempted over the last couple of weeks not to give her the money back but it will end up making me an arsehole now that leads me to the crux.
I used to love her and we shared a lot of good times but now I have nothing left but hate. I have a 16 page letter to send her but can't bring myself to send it. In addition I have enough to ruin her, the new boyfriend and most of her friendships...its just a question of waiting for the right moment. It could end up being very messy for them.
Before any of you guys suggest I get another date... nope. I have very low self esteem, I'm not ready and I wouldn't want to burden myself on another woman as I'll probably end up getting hurt again. In fact I hate everything about the world and me as I feel shortchanged every step of the way. I've not been bad to anyone or done bad things and my faith in humanity is almost gone.
I've never done the revenge thing before and I don't know where it will take me. Iknow that if I cross that line I may end up doing a lot worse things to people but I can't help feeling that this is/was because I'm too trusting and caring.
All I wanna do is forget about her and what happened but doing that is so difficult as I no longer have any desire to do any interests, friends are far away and I can’t even get absorbed by my work as I don’t have a job even though I'm trying.... it seems things aren't worth doing anymore
Breakups are hard. Being left for another person hurts a lot. I know. I have been through it. It can crush an already fragile self esteem. I'm sure that everything in your life seems worse because you are hurting so badly and because your self esteem has taken a hit. Can you move back to where your friends are since the relationship you moved for is now over? You may find that to be helpful. Keep looking for a job as you are doing. Will a job be easier to find in your original town? May be an even better reason for going back.
Like Chuck said, don't give in to temptation to try to get revenge on her. It's not worth it. You need to concentrate on building your own life back up anyway, not on her and what she is or isn't doing.
I know that participating in threesomes (or whatever actually happened) is a personal choice and must be a mutual decision of a couple, but I think that this situation you now find yourself in (your partner developing feelings for and leaving you for the other person involved) is part of the risk you take when allowing someone else into your relationship in a intimate way. Women can tend to develop feelings for a guy when she has sex with him, no matter how "casual" she intended the encounter to be. Perhaps you should reconsider if this is something you want to allow in your relationships in the future.
Of course your partner can leave you for another person at any time in any relationship without warning regardless, but I would never have stood for this if I loved my partner. Her telling you that she wanted to "like" the other guy was a red flag that she may not have been in love with you as much as you were with her. She is not blameless here. If I were ever to participate in that type of situation (a threesome), it would have to be in a casual "one night stand" type of "relationship", never with someone I truly loved. I couldn't bear to watch him touch another girl in that way. The feelings of distrust would probably ruin the relationship for me also.
Sometimes fantasies are best left to remain just that...a fantasy. Good luck in whatever you decide to do.
If you really want revenge and you really want to hurt him... then the best revenge you can have is to lead as happy a life as possible, the more happier he sees you, successful, fulfilled, confident, comfortable, smiley, laughing.... the more it will hurt him... and believe me it will hurt him tremondously...
but it has to look very natural from you and not fake or forced... so make yourself happy quick... it will sort you out and totally screw him up big time
You are not the first person to put a lot of emotions and feelings into some one, and then they dump you like trash. So get a grip on the fact that things worked badly, and give your self time to regroup, and put your life back together. This is about you making some good decisions for yourself, and put the nightmare behind you. You may have to start from scratch again, as it seems you depended on her for a lot, but do this for yourself, and get on with your own life. What goes around comes back around so don't do anything STUPID! You will regret it.
No matter what i say your going to hurt and time is the only thing that will make the hurt go away. What you can do is make the time pass quickly by getting busy. The less time you have to think about her the faster time will go and with each hour the hurt will be less and less.
Revenge never works when its done in anger. All you will do is hurt others and feel bad about it yourself. You know she is going to do to this new Guy what she did to you. When she is down and out you need to be living your life with a big smile and showing the world how she didn't take you down. Thats where you get even, in a positive way.
So get up, stand tall and tell yourself you are a special person and its her loss not yours. Go out and make every day count. The first thing is you need a job. Employers want to hire a person with a positive attitude so walk tall. Show the world that no matter what you do you will do your best at it. Show yourself that you can be the best at what you do and set that goal. Make each goal small but positive. It doesn't mater what it is learn everything there is to know about it and give it 110%.
I was in a similar situation 4 years ago a girl left me for nother guy, didnt have a 3some but similar situation. I thought of revenge and endingpictures and all soughts of crap i could have ruined her completely. But i decided that would gt me no where. I let it go and moved on, I felt everyday like i was worthless and didnt enjoy anything, adventually time passed and i met others and realised i didnt need her and only wanted her more cause she ws with someone else.
What i did realise is if shewaslike tht with me she will be like that with him at soestage and everyone told me she will stuff him around and others thats what she is like. i didnt believe it all i felt was that id lost my girlfriend and couldnt go on with things.
Anyway its amazing how true things are 8 months latter i was out at a bar and my phone rings, I look down atthe number and it was my Ex, I was no longer evn thinking about her not wven a bit.It was a shock i almost didnt answer but curiosity got thebetterof me. I picked up and said Hello she was crying and said how am I, she went on and then said ve made a huge mistake!
WOW how things had changed, I saidtoher that was your choice at thetime you left me for another guy and you can live with that now. There wasno ay i could go backto a cheater. Thats when i found a person like her will do this type of ting for your wholerlationship, come and go as long as youlet them, treat you like this as long as they can. Well i told her im no longer wanting you and that was that.
She still calls me on occasions crying now how she made a mistake and she still has a boyfriend. Now im feeling great that i didnt do anything in revenge it wouyld have just shown her how upset i was and wouldnt have got me anywhere. I moveon and she wnted to come back.
I learned a valuableexperience anyone whocheats on you is not worth it and normally theperson they cheatwith doesnt work out and they realisethey dont really like them nyway. By this time yourvmoved on andyou dont wantto go back to that no matter how much you feel like you do a the moment.
I know you are probly saying buteverything will be fine if she just ciomes back!!! Itwont be shes not worth yourlife now and never will be. You will realise one day a cheateris not someone you want in your life...
I know you are probly saying buteverything will be fine if she just ciomes back!!! Itwont be shes not worth yourlife now and never will be. You will realise one day a cheateris not someone you want in your life...
I dont' want her back at all. Even in the tinyest chance she would eat humble pie. She is a selfish woman only looking out for herself. She didn't love me enough and thats why she cheated on me. I have a feeling that they will be together for a long time because he is what she been looking for, they have more in common and a similar view on life.... she told me this in email. This is why I feel worthless.
I made a mistake getting together with her. In fact I hate her so much I would just rip up all the clothes including a £200 suit and smash the gifts she gave me and send them in pieces to her...thats how I am feeling right now. I won't do it in the cold light of day but this is how I feel right now.
Location: United Kingdom - usually cold and wet here!
Posts: 1,276
You are feeling very angry at the moment and this is a natural and understandable feeling. She hurt you and this kind of hurt is worse than physical pain in a lot of ways. The important thing to do now is for you to try and let go of these thoughts of revenge because revenge is not the answer. I am a great believer of karma and whether you believe in it or not is not important but I think there is at least some truth that the natural course of time brings the concept of what goes around comes around home.
Of course, you don't spend all your time wishing for life to play an unlucky card on her for what she did to you but my point is that it is not your responsibility or right to hand her a bad playing card (in the form of revenge) because of the wrong she did to you. She has her own lessons to learn and her own experiences to experience, good and bad.
The most important thing is to focus on you, and you alone right now and begin the process of letting go (and believe me when I say it is possible) and soon enough you will see things differently and may even be thankful that this happened when it did rather than at a point when you were much deeper in.
If you put as much thought and energy into getting your own life together, as you do on revenge, you will succeed. Focus on building yourself, not tearing down some one else. Your decision for revenge is based on hurt and anger, and you need to reject that thinking.
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