Although I was raised by my biological mother, I have never felt loved or nurtured. My childhood memories are all painful ones. If anything, I remember hate and rage and not love. As a parent I have over-compensated with my children and have given them an abundance of love and attention and have been there for them no matter what. As a result they have high self esteem, have excelled academically and have been in long-term relationships. As for myself, other than what I have with my children, there is a big void inside me.... I am 50 years old and I am so lonely. Sometimes I feel so sorry for myself and I cry. I do not know how to have a relationship. I think the only reason my marriage lasted 20 years was because I was an obedient wife and did as I was told... I allowed my ex-husband to control me. Since I left him I had a few relationships but I am always insecure and jealous and I end the relationship because I feel "no one is going to pull the wool over my eyes". I have been seeing a psychiatrist for some time now and although I am still troubled, I do not stop attending. I just feel like I don't belong anywhere... like a ship without an anchor...

Oh my dear, dear friend. You could be my sister, if I had a sister. All your life you were in someone's control. From your parents, to your spouse, always doing what was right, what was expected, what was acceptable to others. But you never learned how to be good to yourself. There is that small child who says you do not deserve it. But you know something? You do deserve it and much much more.

I deeply congratulate you on raising your children to be loved and cherished and nurtured. That could not have been easy - overcoming personal obstacles to make sure you did not repeat the past. I hope you gave yourself a well deserved "good job".

The void inside you - what has the psychiatrist said about that? I know the feeling about not letting anyone "pull the wool" over your eyes. How else to defend yourself from another controlling person? That is what our inner voice says. We really do not know how to become a whole person. It takes work. Time and work. You have to feel it in your heart. All the logic in the world, while it makes sense, until it gets to your soul, it is so hard to make changes.

What activities have you gotten involved in, that are just for you? Do you go to a gym or health cllub? Have a hobby? Belong to any social type club? Attend church and involved in any women's groups? Done any volunteering in your community? What do you love? What is your passion? Something you always wanted to do but held yourself back.

My prayers for you, that you find what you are seeking, that the void be full and you discover your true meaning and potential. It is there. Best of everything to you.

BRAVO!! On being a great mom. You gave your children everything you didn't receive as a child yourself. You should be very proud of what you have accomplished in the parent department. That alone should make your selfesteem scour. I bet those kids are very proud of you and love you very much.
I grew up the same way. So I can totally feel for you. I too am raising my kids better than I was raised and I give them what I didn't get.
As for the loneliness and sadness. You're alone after putting all of your energy into your children. Now that they are grown and leading their own lives its time to practice what you preached to them.
I always thought selfesteem came from what other people saw in us. I was right to a point. It's also what we see in ourselves as well. You thought well enough of yourself to pas your ideals and beleifs onto your children. Now take those beleifs and have them work for you.
As a woman 50 or otherwise, you have the world ahead of you for the taking so dear goddess take it. Take evening classes, join church groups for singles night. Go to the gym and work out. The exercise a lone will make you feel better. Go on trips with friends and have small dinner parties at your home. Put yourelf out there and meet people and then maybe you'll meet someone who'll see you for the special woman you truly are.
You spent the last few years raising wonderful children, now take the next part of your life and make it your own.

I think the ladies have given you some great suggestions, as I can understand how life changing kids growing up and leaving can make you feel. After all the time and energy you've put out, and the things that you've sacrificed for others, guess what? Its your time now, so anything you wanted to enjoy, but couldn't, now's the time to do your thang, and you should hurry, because Grand kids can take up an awful lot of time and energy too..

Thank you so very much all of you... I so appreciate your input