Hello

I'm 23 years old and live in an apartment with my girlfriend for about 2 years.

All in all we're doing great we're both still in love.

Except for one thing - I'm jealous as hell.

<Now keep in mind this is written because i want help to get rid of it. something i can do.>

As I said we have been together for quite some time now, my longest relation ship by far since the second longest lasted 3 months.

I absolutely love and adore her, but I discorvered that I'm jealous.
It wasent like this in the beginning she could do whatever she wanted and I wouldent get any jealous feeling's.. but then small things nothing that showed me she ever intended to be unfaithful to me.

Told me at the beginning that she wanted to be together with my best friend before she met me.
Going up in a bedroom with another guy just chatting (i had to use the bathroom so i saw that) a boyfriend to a good friend of her's.

kissed my bestfriend on the cheek after his girlfriend was unfaithful to him.

Sat on a (lap/lab) of one of my good friends talking about his ex's pregnancy which she want's to keep, who also was unfaithful to him.

I have spoken with her about the incidents and informed her such actions is not all right with me. She of course understood and told me she wouldent do things like that again, being the wonderful gal she is.

My jealous behaviour:

One time i had to pick her up after work, and she was 20 minuts late and i immedietly suspected that she was inside getting her freak on. (I know how riddiculous it sounds)
<One time occurance>

I wouldent allow her to go out without starting a fight visiting her friends doing anything that i couldent control(doing unfaithful stuff)
<Not anymore=passed that problem>

I wouldent allow her to go out without starting a fight drinking with my littlesister which is her age 18-19 in a private controlled party where i knew all.
<Not anymore=passed that problem>

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I say i really dont want her to go out drinking out in the town with friends and meet people i dont know. its not just that, but everything in general is she alright is she in danger.
<I'm scared of what might happen>


When some of the problem were still in effect we got to the point that she wanted to break up with me. I convinced her with little effort to give me a second chance, I don't think she really wanted that. But as a warning sign that she couldent keep that up.

Now apart from the go out drinking in the town, all is well we're both very happy and enjoy eachother's company. This drinking is a little aspect of our life at the moment. Seeing as our financial situation isn't what it once were. She never mentions she wants to go out drinking by herself in the town with people I don't know. Because she know's I don't approve of it.

The problem is I don't trust her judgement when she has been drinking.

All the other things passed with time, but the remaining problem doesent seem to go away.

But that just won't do.

What can I do?

First of... I must say its good you've been very detailed in your post, which is good!
So she has never cheated on you, right?

Maybe you need to remind yourself of a couple of things when the feeling of jealousy starts to creep up on you... she is with you, she loves you... she appreciates you... and why would she through that away?

Are generally this worried about other things as well?

First of all, I think you have major trust issues that you need to work on if you want a healthy relationship with this woman. Why are you feeling jealous? Are you insecure? Were you hurt in a previous relationship? Etc.. These are all questions that should be explored.

Well can I just be the first to say.

Bravo! For wanting to change!
You know there is a problem! And BOY THERE IS A PROBABLEM.

IM going to be nice as it's the holidays and I feel all warm and smoopy inside.


Ok so your problem is.

You are insecure big time.
And you are forcing that onto all of your partners
You are a control freak, as well
And you feel that you can control the actions of others if you are around them.

That my friend is silly because if they are going to cheat they will find a way trust me.

The thing you need to work on. Is yourself. If you are still with your girlfriend and she knows about your issues. She is a very understanding women as most would have probable left.

I was very insecuer as a kid and I would do.. nearly 99.9% of the things you did
Apart form telling my girls where they can and can't go
I would let them do whatever they wanted and would totally freak out.

Like if they did not call me in 2 days id go insane and think they had sex with the football team.

The way I got out of it. Was I just stop worring. And I stop trying to control things I had no control over.
Think about it. You have no control. Over how someone else feels. If they stop loving you they just stop.
And us trying to force it. Only hurts in the end.

So Relax and try and take it one day at a time.
Whenever you feel these feelings just sit down count to 10. And try to talk yourself out of it
Because you know it is a domino effect. You think about one thing and it just goes on and on. But I find if I stop myself right at the start I come out of it so much faster.

And this is also another factor
The girls I was with.. really they were no good for me. As they drank! A lot and partyed. And for someone like me. It just did not mix well
So you also have to say to yourself

Is this girl really worth your time? Because you know there are other women out there that makes us Jelouse typs. Feel really secuer. Because they talk to us. And have grown out of the crazy party days.

Which we all are allowed to have.

So make a choice. Work on yourself for sure!
But also try and find someone more fitting for you

I always find that jelouse people are attracted to the crazy party people.
Due to the fact they just like feeling jelouse and trying to be in control.

If you do what I did. Stop dating them and find someone that is calm,
Other people.. and even more so partners have a real effect on your life
And can change you in ways you not thought of.


Anyway ask yourself these questions
If she is worth fighting for. Then you really have to make a change fast
If not
Then let her go and really spend some alone time to work on yourself.

roxypox

No she has never and I don't think she ever will. But?

411Help

I never had a previous relations ship, that I've did purely on emotion.

TrueFaith

That sounded wrong, I don't tell them what they can and cannot to. I express my feeling towards it - every time I said do as you please but I just don't like it.

Domino effect, couldent be more true. That's what hurts.

I couldent understand why you would call me insecure so I looked it up and found:

Has fears that a present positive state is temporary and will let them down and cause them loss or distress by "going wrong" in future.

*Quote: Anyway ask yourself these questions
If she is worth fighting for.

Absolutely.

Bro, you need to loosen up. Instead of being idle worrying about what she's doing. You should be doing your own thing. Study, workout, read, anything. LOOSEN UP.

She's not the only one drinking I do that as well. She just trust's me, that's the difference.

You know the problem. Now lets look at your possible solutions.

I say I really don't want her to go out drinking out in the town with friends and meet people I don't know. Its not just that, but everything in general is she all right is she in danger


You see once you voice to a girl

You are saying Yeah don't go out.
You are beating round the bush
But you are telling her that you don't like it.

So with all due repsect, your actions towards her and towards all this is of control
And the fear of not having control.

By the way if you want to Google insecure..


Being insecure with ones, self-opens a window of unfavorable tendencies causing mayhem. Insecure feelings stem from low self-esteem. Insecure means feelings of less worth. Not feeling worthy of yourself while going through the motions of everyday living and working begin to drag you down.
A committed relationship can go stale and end up in a spiral downward if either partner is insecure. That ugly monster of jealousy can rear up and reek havoc on what was once a happy and secure union.

You may have a good friend for many years and they may meet a new person to become friends with as well which takes time away from time spent visiting with you. If you are insecure about your friendship the sense of the “Alpha” person will be pondering the thoughts “but I was here first



There you go
Are you getting defensive with me? I sure hope not. I am here to help.

Good luck

I meant that was exactly what it felt like :)

Has fears that a present positive state is temporary and will let them down and cause them loss or distress by "going wrong" in future.



411help

You know the problem. Now lets look at your possible solutions.

• Ask yourself where it is coming from.

• Practice!

I agree with everything, and will do. But I haven't the faintest idea where its coming from. :)

Ill tell you where I got my own problems from.

My mother spoilt me.. a lot
And I mean I got everything I wanted.

So when I got my first girlfriend. I kind thought she would treat me like the only women I knew.

Give me everything. Tell me she loves me everyday
And will always Reassure me. When I did not get this.. I went crazy
And was like WHAT THE HELL!? She is not doing what she is suppose to be doing.

And bam then you start thinking about other things.

But we grow with each relationship. And we learn a lot about ourselves in that time.

This is not going to happen over night but you made a big step by trying

All the best

Perhaps you have a low self esteem?

Are you able to look in the mirror and say to yourself "Gee, I look good"

TrueFaith

My mother treated me very good also, she provided me with all the things she was able to provided me with.
So that might be how the problem started.


And I love the small notes you do in your post's its really funny.


411Help

I consider myself to be very handsome. I don't believe I suffer from low self-esteem, I mean what's not to like :)

You are addressing a huge issue in your life. You are doing it well before the age of 50, congratulations.

You can not control other people. By not allowing them to do something you convince yourself that everything is under control. It never is. The only person you can control is you.

Jealousy is fear. Being worried for her safety sounds sane... Jealousy is fear, what are you afraid of? Remember that you can't control her, you can only create the illusion or hold her hostage. That isn't what you want.

Life is constant change and endless variables. Some things are pretty certain though. Alcohol switches intellect into emotion every time. You feel uncertain when she gives up sober intellect. Those are your feelings. If you do not want to feel them, either let it go and simply trust or find someone who never drinks.

Deciding what/who you can live with and not try to control is a sign of maturity. Fear must be looked at and dealt with. Fear isn't bad if you use it as a signal to clue into what needs to be worked on in yourself. Most of our behavior is learned, who taught you? What part of their teaching is good stuff, something to hang onto? What do you need to let go because it doesn't serve you well?

Well.

My father was an alcoholic - always out drinking and at times he wouldent come home for days.

My mother is one who never drinks and does everything around the house.

Their relation ship was he worked she took care of the kids.
He was a mean drunk also wanted nothing to do with us when we got home, but my mother made up for that being great as mothers tend to be. :)
She eventually separated from him, they now live close by and are still engaged only if he acts like a prick she can simply kick him out of the house.
And he stopped drinking.

Could this have any relevance to me?

Good idea to be willing to work on your issues, and not make them her issues. You start by telling her the truth about how you feel, and why you feel that way.
" I get insecure, and worried, when your out drinking, but I am trying to work on it" and then do so, by educating yourself, and getting to know what your dealing with, and how to cope with it.

It may be issues from your past but, whatever it is, just work on it, and be upfront about it, and make a conscious effort to control it. There are many books, and websites on the subject, and knowledge is power.

Your insecurities, and fears, can make you a controlling b... h, and ruin any relationship you have.

So if its serious enough, don't be afraid to get help through your doctor as, he can refer you to someone who can help you thru the process, of dealing with your insecurity, fear, and jealousy.

That bloke there is actually me :(

At least I got through my problems :)

The way I got out of it. Was I just stop worring. And I stop trying to control things I had no control over.
Think about it. You have no control. Over how someone else feels. If they stop loving you they just stop.
And us trying to force it. Only hurts in the end.

So Relax and try and take it one day at a time.
Whenever you feel these feelings just sit down count to 10. And try to talk yourself out of it
Because you know it is a domino effect. You think about one thing and it just goes on and on. But I find if I stop myself right at the start I come out of it so much faster.

Thanks mate, that right there is how I got rid of it :) I owe you big time !