Hi. The guy i've been dating for the last 5-6 months is less than a year out of 30 year marriage. When i met him he told me he was already divorced, which was a lie, and has been separted for over a year, which was another lie.
a few months ago he told me the truth. come to find out, he has told me other lies to keep me hanging around.
basically to have his cake and eat it too, so to speak.
he said from the beginning he wasn't ready to be my boyfriend, but proceeded to pursue me heavily and keep me dangling on a string.
this weekend his away at this dance festival he had originally invited me to, but then he said he wanted to "try alone." he actually lied about that as well at first telling me it was sold out, so i couldn't buy a ticket. i found out that was a lie and confronted him with the info. he finally admitted after some questioning that he wants to date other women, but "isn't looking for another lover." another lie, i assume. he was all flustured when he told me he wanted to go alone, saying he'd like to spend a weekend away with me sometime, he'll see me soon, etc.
clearly another ploy to keep me waiting around for him, while he's off doing whatever he wants to do, with whoever he wants to do it with.
I can objectively understand him not wanting to be in a relationship at this time, but lieing to me is so hurtful as is keeping me at bay for his convenience.
it's hard to think he really gives a at this point.
a few days ago i emailed him and said i was really depressed and needed some space. he emailed me back that day and left a voice message, both of which i didn't respond to.
i haven't heard from him since (3 days) and he didn't call to say goodbye before he left for the dance festival.
i don't want to talk to him or see him anymore.
do you think he'll care much when i don't respond to any of his messages. i'm sure he thinks i'll be right there waiting for him when he gets back. do you think he'll miss me when i'm gone?

Kevin_s

First, never sign yourself as an idiot, since you're not the idiot here.

This is NOT about missing someone, this is about his insecurities. He's been MARRIED since he was my age, and when you're married for that long since a young age, don't you think that you would want to go have some fun when the time calls for it?

The dude is pathetic and to be honest, just like you said, if he thinks strippers are his friends he's mistaken. He probably goes there a lot and they may KNOW him because of that, but they are friendly because that is their job and they gotta make some money.

He may or may NOT be desperate for attention, you said that he wanted to date around and that he wasn't looking for a relationship, so why did you let it turn into one?

Just ignore him, if he's not willing to put time and effort into a relationship, then you gotta cut your losses (I personally think your winning here not dealing with him)

I've been told this before, and been telling other members on the board this saying.

"What happens when 2 people are in a boat and only one is rowing? The boat goes around in circles and you get nowhere. When both people are rowing, you get to where you want to be and things go smoothly"

You were sitting, waiting in the "boat" and yet he was watching you turning in circles while chilling at the stripper bar right by the dock.

Ditch this scumbag, there's 7 BILLION people in the world, I'm sure there is AT LEAST 1 person that is worth your time.

Get a hobby if you really can't stop thinking about him, do the things you love. You may be upset, but you need to love yourself enough to know when this is messed up. I love myself too much to let any girl get the best of me, regardless of what happens.

YOU COME FIRST, EVERYONE ELSE COMES SECOND. Self-loathing is meaningless and a waste of time, also it's unattractive and won't help you to find someone else that is wonderful for you.

Ask around, and everyone here has had some sort of problem that was hard for them, but they took the experience to better themselves and now some (If not most) are in a happy relationship!

It's your turn now, goodluck!

Kevin

dancerwriter

why do you say he is insecure just cuz he wants to play the field? i understand why you said it in response to the stripper situation.
you didn't really answer my question, though. so be patient with me!
do you think he gives a crap? do you think he'll miss me?

dancerwriter

By the way, i didn't even tell you that he is pathelogical liar. he lied to me when i first me him, saying he was divorced when he isn't and said he's been out of the marriage for over a year, when it was only 5 months.
he's lied to me about other things as well - not telling me stuff - to keep me interested in him.
he even was kinda desperate when he told me about going to the dance weekend by himself, saying he wasn't trying to break up with me, etc.

i'm definitely getting out, disappering. i just want him to care. do you think he does? or just feels trapped? but if he feels trapped, why wouldn't he break up with me?

talaniman

You sound so desperate and honestly pathetic, being so into someone who has lied since you met him, and continues to lie. EVERYTHING HE SAYS IS A BIG FAT LIE! Don't you love yourself enough to leave this liar alone. Whats going on in your life your so needy of any kind of attention, from any one who will give it to you, even if its bad attention, from a liar?????

talaniman

No he didn't, you let him. He lied and you knew it yet did nothing about it to protect yourself.
I don't care what he thinks and neither should you. can't you see you have no control over him? He doesn't care, and why should he? He can always lie to some other poor female, can't he?

dancerwriter

well, talaniman. my purpose to post here wasn't to get insulted. calling me names is insulting. if you feel the need to insult people who post here, why don't you refrain and just read something else. it's definitely not helpful. except to you. which is selfish.

Homegirl 50

talaniman is not insulting you, he is telling you what you don't want to hear, but need to hear.
You don't care that he lied to you but you just want to know if he cares? What kind of thinking is that? If he cared about you, he would not continue to lie to you. And since the relationship started with a lie, how do you know if anything he has told you is true?
The man is a liar who only wants what he wants when he wants and couldn't care less who he hurts.
He is not desperate, you are the one who is more concerned about whether he cares for you than the fact that he has done nothing but lie to you.
Does he care? No! and neither should you. Leave him alone.

Kevin_s

Hey there,

1.) Talaniman is probably one of the MOST helpful people that I have met on this board. And to be honest, he's helped me a lot with my problems and helped me see the truth (REGARDLESS IF IT WAS WHAT I WANTED TO HEAR.) He is not selfish, and to be honest, he's saying the same things that everybody else is saying. Instead of arguing, I'd take a step back and REALLY think about what it is that he's saying and have an open mind (to what everybody is saying as well) If people were on this board to help you, you'd have gone to the www.askmegof***yourself.com website. It's not that way here, and whether you need to be told straight up or not it's going to happen because it's the only way we all will realize how stupid we are being and how we are only digging our own graves over some loser!

2.) You admit this guy is a constant liar, why do you want to be around him in the first place? Let the guy go screw someone else over.

3.) Does he care about you? Ideally you would want yes. Realistically (and let's please use our heads and be realists right now instead of idealists) NO. Once a liar, always a liar. He could have been lying about him caring about you at all. Hell, he could be sleeping with every single one of his "stripper friends" and not tell you anything about it. Would you still care now if that was the case?

I know it hurts to be told the blunt truth but the way I see it. I'd rather be hit with the blunt truth, then to be stabbed by a sharp-edged lie (you know, the things we want to hear and believe)

This guys 50 years old, and is still playing mind games? If he was a real man, he would just be honest from the get go, a relationship doesn't run on lies and fake beliefs, it runs on open communication and trust. You can't trust this guy when he's lied to you on some pretty important issues.

Come on, I'm less then half his age, and you can ask around this board and they'll tell you that I probably have the patience and maturity of somebody twice my age.

Maybe this guy WILL miss you, but you shouldn't feed off of knowing that because it's pathetic. Nobody should EVER define who you are or how you feel.

Please, for your own sake and mental health, just let the prick go surround himself with people that will never make him happy, and you go and surround yourself with any and everything that makes YOU happy. You deserve to be happy, not him. And stop worrying if he's going to miss you or care, we don't know that kind of this and it's not logical for us to tell you what somebody else might feel because we have no control over that.

What everybody is saying on this board is to stop worrying about that B.S. and to just stop dealing with him and to heal yourself and learn from the experience.

Please, nobody on this board is here to hurt you, everybody on this board has their own life experiences and that is all that they can offer to aid you in your own predicament.

Kevin S

Kevin_s

And I said that he's insecure because he has to LIE TO YOU TO GET YOU TO LIKE HIM AND HOLD ON TO YOU. I thought I made that clear, guess not. My apologies.

Chery

Dear dancewriter.. no matter how many threads you jump to to ask the same questions, it still will not change the fact that he does not care!
Either you are secure in a relationship or you are not - and right now, you are confused and are going in the wrong direction. Stop jumping around posts, settle down and think things through. You might care about this jerk, but you care too much about how he cares about your actions, which you have absolutely no control over, and will never find out, no matter how many of us you ask. We are not in his head (thank goodness, because there is no room there except selfish thoughts of himself) and you have no influence over anyone but yourself, so...
You have to start thinking about YOURSELF, your feelings, your goals, your happiness - and NOT him! Stop clinging to something that you can't reach - and sould not even worry about any more. His signals are clear to everyone else but you.. hello.. you are hurting yourself. Do you deserve to chastize yourself so much? I don't think so. You deserve better than what he can ever dish out. Get this dude out of your head and get your own life back.

We all have suggested that you go on and start living and enjoying youself without being obsessed with this creap and I sincerely hope you take our advice serious.

It's your move next.

Keep us posted.