yeah, i'm one of those idiots with a "man" issue. i'm the idiot because i'm the chick that's schtuping an older, married man. he's twenty-two years older. and the husband of a co-worker to boot....yeah, i'm the biggest twit on the face of the planet and a bunch of other things i can't describe. i know that childhood abuse, rape as a teenager and my recent divorce are all contributing factors. but surprisingly that stuff is what has brought the two of us together. he's different from any man i've ever met. shows the sensitivity and caring i've always heard about and always wanted. we truly care about each other. but i know that he won't leave his wife. that he's too old to start over and even if he could it would change him too much. but he's alone. his wife doesn't like him. leaves him alone whenever possible, works as much as possible and has had him sleeping on the couch for 10 years. i've watched and she's admitted. don't ask me why i'm still in this self-destructive situation. i've got disabled kids. i shouldn't even consider knowing someone else. but he's a good man. a good person. and we seem to fulfill a need within each other. an understanding based on similar experiences. so i guess the question is: where do i go from here? i love the guy. beyond lust or well, as a friend and beyond. i know i can't help them, but how do i help myself? i don't want to say goodbye to a good friend forever, i don't have many. but i know this isn't healthy and is wrong on so many levels i can't count. but what to do and how to do it? and where do i go from here. i'm this loser living with my mom after 12 years of marriage to a man i didn't love, but has to wonderous and beautiful boys. i get to have the boys half time. they stay at the house and my ex and i take turns during the week. so..what do i do...new job, obviously. own place? yep-goes with the new job. but the emotional?! how to find healthy after so many years of dysfunction. oy! help! and be nice i'm stupid, but not without feelings-be constructive. please

simoneaugie

You've gotten yourself into a situation, that's for sure.

Take care of you first. Get your own place with room for your boys when they stay. Get some counselling and get to know yourself better. Continue to be honest with yourself.

This man must break with his wife if the two of you are going to have an honest relationship. Anything is possible, remember that. Anything is bearable although it may not feel that way.

rowan1

thanks simone of where it rains too much (i know someone else from there. but i put myself in counseling at fifteen. and didn't get out til last year. hopefully all of that sank in somewhere. i think it did. but you're right, i do need to take care of me. be true to myself and seize control of my future. and the boys by proxy. it just gets hard and confusing at times blazing that trail. easy to get distracted....you have some valid points that i hope help someone else in the future

Choux

I don't think it is a good idea for you to be tearing yourself down at every turn....that is just a way to avoid thinking about your life's situation, by heaping-on everything "wrong" in your life, making the situation so overwhelming that you virtually paralyze yourself from taking any action. Changing your life is about changing one aspect, and that aspect one step at a time so you're not overwhelmed.

You have to decide what you want from your life going forward....what will bring you more happiness than misery? You have to think about this seriously, you're getting older and your kids will grow up. What do you want for yourself? What do you want your life to look like in 10 years? Be realistic.

I think you have been very damaged in the past, but have *valiantly overcome* so much negativity. You have found this older man-- have a safe, soothing relationship, which perhaps reenacts past ways of interacting with a man, I don't know. Living with your mother may be infantilizing yourself, a safe easy place to rest, also.

You never know, you may *need* some of the comforts you have set up in your life. Consider that when you make an assessment of how you want to live in ten years.

You many want a professional to help you with your life plan, help you think about alternatives, how to implement the beginnings of your plan.

One thing for sure, we as individuals always *feel much better* when we take that first step toward self-betterment. One success builds on another, never rush!, and follow the plan. Rome wasn't build in a day.

Best wishes to you in the future,

rowan1

thank you so much. you're right about getting overwhelmed. the first change or seizing of my life was the divorce. and i'm willing to admit that i've become a little gun shy. it (the divorce) was a big step. i'm not generally a wave maker. but i do need to stop being sooo concerned about how my waves affect others. i've let it prevent me from moving forward. there will always be consequences. every action has a reaction. but those consequences don't always have to be dire. i'm trying (very hard) to live by three things. Seize the day (make the most of each and the most of each person, you don't know where you'll be tomorrow), another similar-what do you want to see in looking back on your life? do you want to know you tried? took the risk? or not...what would history say of you? and be true to yourself....they aren't always easy to live by...not easy to answer-especially if you don't know yourself. i know i sound less mature than i should for my age, but living in a ptsd state for so long kinda stunts your growth, ya know....so i learn i live and try to catch up. what's most important is what am i going to teach my boys? that liveable risks is okay. that caring for others is wonderful, but remember that forget to take care of yourself reduces that gift if you are hurt in the bargain-and unable to continue caring as before, and that we all have strength and courage...more than we possibly can imagine...just take the steps, keep breathing, close your eyes if you need to but move...take that step and the others will be easier....that there is no way of knowing what will happen in life, no way of controlling it, the only control we have is how we perceive things and people and how we choose to respond....i read something somewhere recently that went something to the effect of "don't focus on the problem, focus on the solution" that it makes things easier....and far less negative....thanks for the pep talk and feed back...rowan1

Xrayman

I read your post and cant help thinking that you are talking yourself into failure-im stupid, idiot etc. STOP IT!

if he wont leave his wife tell him goodbye don't "ruin" his life or yours any further-move on.

because I'm a buddhist, id advise you to do some research into buddhism-but only as far as the philosophy/psychological parts first. I think it is what may help you at this time.

best wishes,
x

rowan1

yep. biologist to..very zen ain't it?

erin7799

You want people to be respectful and be nice to you because of your situation... because you're "stupid". But are you showing respect and being nice by "shtuping" another womans husband? I just totally laid into someone else w/ the truth about being w/ a married man. You know it's wrong. I don't care what good you found in him. Nothing that has happened to you in your past gives you the right to hurt someone else. Sometimes the biggest hurt is the one where the other person doesn't know. And how do you face her? You're not just hurting you by allowing yourself to fall for an unavailable man, but you're hurting his wife, too. I don't care how many nights he's slept on her couch he has no place in your bed.

rowan1

thanks erin....that reaaally helped. i knew coming on this thing was a big mistake. does it feel good to know it all. kids...grow up. don't tell me how to...i quit....i don't need that type of crap from a judgemental kid. i've been on both sides of the coin honey, and i don't need a lecture....talk about stupid!!!! i guess i was for ever thinking that other people could see that we all have flaws, and share the wisdom garnered from them... don't bother answering me...any oneeee.....i've handled the situation, made my decisions, and let that be that....i've never gotten on one of these things and now i know why---you're it sweety....twit...

Xrayman

did I help or not???