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Promiscuous Pasts of partner

Asked Dec 5, 2008, 02:05 AM — 28 Answers
I am 35, an educated individual and have had a string of relationships both serious and casual myself. I have fallen deeply in love a women that has had an extremey promiscuous past. I have always known about about the many sexual relationships she's had and never got into too many details and was not very preturbed about it. By her own admittance, in a recent fight, she admitted having arrays of orgies where she was either the only women with four or five guys or with another woman with the same nomber of guys. She's done everything that one sees on porn or hears about in fanatsy stories. And it was not just once or twice experimenting ...it went on for years almost every week.The details are sordid when its some one you love...anal sex, multiple oral sex activites ...well if you can imagine it she's done it.
In my mind, I've reserved those act for prostitutes and paid porn stars...I can't seem to get around the fact that she was a whore. This hurts me deeply. I cannot seem to reconcile the deep love with the deep sense of disgust. Its amlost as though she did it now. I wonder if she told me when I wasn't that involved. I would have kept her at a distance or accepted it as I did everything else, and gotten over it. I've told her that it has to end..but we work closely together which complicates things significantly. A clean break is difficult and heart wrenching.
How should I deal with all this?

28 Answers
tickle's Avatar
tickle Posts: 19,301, Reputation: 12336
Expert
 
#2

Dec 5, 2008, 02:21 AM
Sounds like you are living a soap opera. The fact that you are working together certainly complicates matters.

You obviously have been considering calling off your relationship or you would not have written here. Her past situation will always be foremost in your mind. And have you considered STDs that could be maiming you now as well.

Either one of you has to leave your working environment. But which one? I guess it comes right down to who is the most necessary to your employer.
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marine12345's Avatar
marine12345 Posts: 7, Reputation: 1
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#3

Dec 5, 2008, 03:11 AM
Yes I've been considering ending it....Am I being unreasonable?
Apart part of me now regrets even getting into it. She's has always had little lies to hide items of her past.
She had been an abused child with her stepfather who started raping at 13. She then fell in love with and initiated much of the sexual activity. It was a full blown relationship afterthat.
I always understood the psycology around and supported her by never making here feel unwanted. Even till now it never comes up as a "fault" of hers. On the contrary I always support by saying she had no control then and it was a coping mechanism. However secretly it plays on my mind since she still loves him and he is still invovled in her life.

The issues of orgies...was in her control...and by her own admission she enjoyed every minitue of it and secretly wished for some of the pleasure although she could never betray me that way...says. How do you compete with that? Previous to this we enjoyed full sex lives...now I wonder whether it was one sided? I am losing my lust for her. Never happen even when she told me about the other partners and stepdad. Is the correct way forward to end this? I ask this as my mind may be clouded with emotion and I may be making decisions out of anger and pain instead of proper well thought decisions.
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DeleteAndBan's Avatar
DeleteAndBan Posts: 39, Reputation: 18
Junior Member
 
#4

Dec 5, 2008, 04:28 AM
I totally understand where your coming from. You are with a woman who does not share the same norms and values as you do and this makes you wonder what else she is capable of.

I believe that partners who are different are more interesting for a long term relationship as there is more learning and growth involved for both individuals. Unfortunately when it comes to such deep rooted issues as values with respect to sex and intimacy, I find that its better that these core values of a human being match or differ only slightly. Your core values which you have lived by your whole life are not something that you can change overnight, if at all.

Its also hard that she apparently enjoys something which you can never give her... You can't split yourself into 5 persons, so eventually she might find her sexlife boring with all the consequences.

If you should end it is up to you, do you think you can live with someone who apparently has a different take on intimacy and sex?

Also I wonder if the rape and orgies are not connected in a psychological sense, and if so what is the relationship? Is there still damage/unprocessed feelings?
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tickle's Avatar
tickle Posts: 19,301, Reputation: 12336
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#5

Dec 5, 2008, 04:41 AM
Hi, marine, I think time out is in order to clear your mind, get your bearings and re-assess your situation. And just those three are enough for the moment. Also possibly she can do with a time out as well.

You two should not be seeing each other for a while.
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plonak's Avatar
plonak Posts: 742, Reputation: 600
Senior Member
 
#6

Dec 5, 2008, 10:09 AM
Hello,

I haven't read all the posts so please forgive me if I repeat anything.

Honestly, she doesn't have to divulge anything about her past to you if she doesn't want to.. It is truly none of your business.

She chose to open up to you and tell you those things.. Whether or not you were fighting, she told you something very personal.

I think that is VERY HARSH to call her a whore.. It's such a double standard with you men, If a man told his girlfriend that, she probably wouldn't bat and eye at it because "well he's a man" right? So then why isn't it ok for a woman to do it?

You need to be living in the present man. Didn't your mom teach you to not judge people? That girl doesn't owe you a damn thing and if you dump her for this it's YOUR MAJOR LOSS!

GOod luck
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talaniman's Avatar
talaniman Posts: 44,320, Reputation: 50351
Senior Family & People Expert
 
#7

Dec 5, 2008, 03:41 PM


If you can't handle it, have the courtesy to leave. Realize this is your problem not hers. Don't do anything to make it her problem, other than set her free to find her own happiness.
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N0help4u's Avatar
N0help4u Posts: 16,954, Reputation: 9423
Uber Member
 
#8

Dec 5, 2008, 03:52 PM
It boils down to she has a totally different lifestyle than you and from what you said--I've told her that it has to end.. I take it she STILL lives this lifestyle so I say all you can do is an ultimatum--either it ends as you've told her OR you drop the relationship NOW.
If you continue with her KNOWING she most likely will not stop then you are no better than any of the other guys she is messing around with because by her continuing with the other guys it is saying YOU are no more meaningful to her than they are no matter what she says to you her actions speak louder!
So leave her.
IF you had said this is her PAST and she no longer does these things then I would tell you if you both love each other and she has changed her lifestyle FOR YOU then get over it.
But with the I've told her that it has to end.. I take it otherwise. THIS IS her present not her past
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liz28's Avatar
liz28 Posts: 4,660, Reputation: 5253
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#9

Dec 5, 2008, 04:02 PM
At least she was honest and up front about her unpretty past and most people wouldn't have been so honest. So she deserves credit for that and I sure it wasn't easy telling you those things without being judge.

What is done in the past is done and she let all her skeltons out the closet. If you can't handle it or accept it then do both of you a favor and split. There's no need to drag this on but know she didn't pretend to be something she wasn't. Move on and find someone more suitable for yourself.
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artlady's Avatar
artlady Posts: 4,208, Reputation: 7451
Ultra Member
 
#10

Dec 5, 2008, 04:21 PM
If, as you profess ,you are deeply in love than you either need to accept her as they say*warts and all * or move on if you can't.

Many women who are promiscuous have very low self-esteem.

Many have been sexually ,physically or verbally abused as children.Many have had no male role model or a poor one.

I think she showed a lot of respect for you and your relationship by being up front about her past.She did not have to do that.She stood to gain nothing .

If you think she is the same person today that I would say walk away. But if you love her than you need to understand her motivations for her past behavior.

Is there a part of you that feels you can never live up to her high sexual maintenance?

Do you feel perhaps that you can never *outdo* what she has experienced? That you will never be enough for her?


All questions you should ask before cutting your ties,especially if you are deeply in love.


We all have skeletons in the closet and we all have done things we are not proud of .

Some people can truly forgive but if you can't and are going to crucify her for her past then perhaps you should move on.
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