I am 35, an educated individual and have had a string of relationships both serious and casual myself. I have fallen deeply in love a women that has had an extremey promiscuous past. I have always known about about the many sexual relationships she's had and never got into too many details and was not very preturbed about it. By her own admittance, in a recent fight, she admitted having arrays of orgies where she was either the only women with four or five guys or with another woman with the same nomber of guys. She's done everything that one sees on porn or hears about in fanatsy stories. And it was not just once or twice experimenting ...it went on for years almost every week.The details are sordid when its some one you love...anal sex, multiple oral sex activites ...well if you can imagine it shes done it.
In my mind, I've reserved those act for prostitutes and paid porn stars...I cant seem to get around the fact that she was a whore. This hurts me deeply. I cannot seem to reconcile the deep love with the deep sense of disgust. Its amlost as though she did it now. I wonder if she told me when I wasn't that involved. I would have kept her at a distance or accepted it as I did everything else, and gotten over it. I've told her that it has to end..but we work closely together which complicates things significantly. A clean break is difficult and heart wrenching.
How should I deal with all this?
I was the promiscuos girl, since the age of 14. I did alot of things I'm not proud of, and yes, my husband knows all about my past.
He loved me enough to let the past go, after all, it's the past. I didn't know him then, he didn't know me. I had issues and I acted out, it's life, it happens, to all of us.
You can't honestly say you don't have a past. So, if she's supposed to look beyond yours, why aren't you supposed to look beyond hers.
Is it because she's more experienced then you? Is it really because you think she's a "whore" or is it because you're a bit jealous?
Either way, it's in the past, not the present. Either get over it and yourself or let her go. She doesn't deserve to be judged by something that happened before she knew you.
OK,I see this in the males perspective,correct me if I am wrong.
You are wondering about the odd feelings growing in your gut?
The feelings of,Should I be excited about this,could this be a new beginning for her(and me),does this make me a hypocrite for thinking this is a good thing,since my values are so different from this?Can this become a real good thing,or should I leave and stand for what I am?
If I am off here,let me know.
It has been like this for me in the past also.I have had these feelings and wondered what I was supposed to do,the overwhelming conflicting emotions were...astounding....for a lack of better wording.
I made the decision to stay in the relationship,letting the past be the past,it took time(and kicking myself over and over for compromising my principals)to accept her totally.It lasted 10 years,2 kids.
In the end,I did regret doing what I did.
I ask you this:What does your gut instinct tell you is the right thing to do here?What is your next step?This decision has to be yours and yours alone.all the admonishments anyone can give you for acting the way you have don't mean diddly squat.You have to live with the decision,we don't.
Is the rest of your relationship going to be happy and acceptable to you if this is a major issue for you?
I am a willing listener and I really hope this made sense to you.
Yes I've been considering ending it....Am I being unreasonable?
Apart part of me now regrets even getting into it. She's has always had little lies to hide items of her past.
She had been an abused child with her stepfather who started raping at 13. She then fell in love with and initiated much of the sexual activity. It was a full blown relationship afterthat.
I always understood the psycology around and supported her by never making here feel unwanted. Even till now it never comes up as a "fault" of hers. On the contrary I always support by saying she had no control then and it was a coping mechanism. However secretly it plays on my mind since she still loves him and he is still invovled in her life.
The issues of orgies...was in her control...and by her own admission she enjoyed every minitue of it and secretly wished for some of the pleasure although she could never betray me that way...says. How do you compete with that? Previous to this we enjoyed full sex lives...now I wonder whether it was one sided? I am losing my lust for her. Never happen even when she told me about the other partners and stepdad. Is the correct way forward to end this? I ask this as my mind may be clouded with emotion and I may be making decisions out of anger and pain instead of proper well thought decisions.
I think the heart of the issue is in these words by the OP: "How do you compete with that?"
I think once sex becomes a competitive event, everyone loses.
KBC you are almost on the button....but Im not realy excited about it at all. Its certainly conflicting feelings of different values, her future capabilites.
And yes the ladies maybe probably right ..this has made me insecure, not because I'm jealous in any way...far from it....but the image I had of her has been shattered. If it was an issue of jealousy it would started when we met.
As I said in my first post, I've no trouble with the issues of her promiscuity all this time. Things like gangbangs and orgies every week for years....Thats not just promiscuous...thats.....
DeleteAnBan summed it up right....she enjoys something I can never give her.
KBS I hear your thoughts on standing by your values and principles. Thats the real struggle standing by those and my love for her.
KBC you are almost on the button....but Im not realy excited about it at all. Its certainly conflicting feelings of different values, her future capabilites.
And yes the ladies maybe probably right ..this has made me insecure, not because I'm jealous in any way...far from it....but the image I had of her has been shattered. If it was an issue of jealousy it would started when we met.
As I said in my first post, I've no trouble with the issues of her promiscuity all this time. Things like gangbangs and orgies every week for years....Thats not just promiscuous...thats.....
DeleteAnBan summed it up right....she enjoys something I can never give her.
KBS I hear your thoughts on standing by your values and principles. Thats the real struggle standing by those and my love for her.
I'm not sure you're being honest with yourself. You didn't say insecure, jealous, she enjoys something you can't give her. You said: "How do you compete with that?""
You believe that gang bangs and orgies are not promiscuous, they're ... Your image of her has been shattered.
You may very well be doing her a favor in the long run if you walk away now. If you can't get those imagines out of your head, if you feel she was beyond promiscuous (whatever that category may be), I'm not so sure you won't express these feelings some time down the road during an argument, when you are angry, when you are insecure.
When people are willing to "forgive" other people for their pasts they really aren't doing anyone a favor. I don't know that it's up to you to forgive her and if you can't overlook her past, well - as I said, walk away now and do her a favor.
I agree with JKT regarding your voicing an opinion during an argument somewhere 'down the road'. Then you will say something you will regret later, it will hurt her and then, what next ? Sorry but you have already heard too much and it sticks.
So, I say, leave well enough alone, move on because this is going to hurt both parties too much to bear.
Sad it seems she is trying to change and leave her past behind, And she is not judging your sex with others for casual events.
So what if she was even a hooker, would that make a difference if she were to change and leave that behind for you.
I would say you have a serious problem yourself, she does not have the problem. If you can not move past this do her the favor and let her find someone that can love her for who she is.
KBC Why did you regret may I ask! If she did it again or lost interest..that is exactly what Im afraid of.
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I just seen her post ...find you to objective and unbias on both sides
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KBS I hear your thoughts on standing by your values and principles. Thats the real struggle standing by those and my love for her.
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This is my exact point,this is my regret.
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I compromised my values and attempted to be different than what I stand for so I could fit(adapt) into a life with someone. I later found I couldn't be with her.
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I would explain further but it gets personal and I can't air the dirty laundry in this public forum.
KBC
*Note, Had trouble transferring the 2 posts,had to combine them,sorry for any confusion.
I agree with chuck, so what if she was beyond promiscuous? It seems as if she wants to settle down and have a real relationship. If you love her deeply what happened to love being unconditional? I'm a sadist and I'm sure many men wouldn't be able to handle that. But my husband and I were willing to make compromises in the name of love. I also was 'promiscuous' in the past-meaning I had sex with more people than my husband (and he is older than me). But his view is that since HE is the one I chose to be with (and only him) that all of my former partners don't even matter. Once we commited to each other the past was wiped clean. Maybe you are being a little too judgemental because you have different views on sex than she does. I'm a pagan, my husband is a christian- we agree to disagree and we don't try to change each others mind. Yet we still compromise, I attend church with him and he agreed to marry me on Halloween. If you can't agree to disagree on your views, if you can't accept her for who she is and was then stop seeing her. She must have trusted you and she must have thought the relationship was strong enough for her to be honest about her past. You failed the test. So let her go, so she can find someone who accepts her fully- so she can be happy.
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