i have just found out that my parter has been visiting massage parlors for masturbation. this has totally shattered me as i never thought for one second that he was capable of this sort of behaviour. when i confronted him he denied it but i have the proof. he has confessed to me that up until a couple of years ago he had an addiction to these 'massages' for which he saw a therapist but swears that he is not doing it again. i have the proof that he has, including records of his phone calls to these girls. i consider what he is doing to be cheating even though he is not having actual sexual intercourse with them. i am a mess and don't know what to do. he made me believe that he had the same ideals about sharing your body with others as i do. i really don't have anyone to talk to and i feel dirty and also afraid that i have a disease. has anyone been through a similar experience. i don't know whether to leave or not. our relationship was great and he says he loves me and wants to spend his life with me. i love him so much and i am devastated. i feel like my life has been taken from me. he said he will go to councelling but that i'm not allowed to raise the fact that he had a past addiction to these girls. he has told me that it's my problem that i don't trust him.

RickJ

This is fully a relationship issue, not a sexuality issue. There are many here who give excellent relationship advice - and even advice regarding addictions, however I strongly believe that the two of you together counceling with a professional is what you should seek. I'll move this to Relationships where I think it will get more views.

goldnugget

thank you rickj for responding to me. i have been hoping someone would respond. i haven't slept for 3 days now and i keep vomiting and imagining it all and what he has done. i don't know what to do. i am really stuffed up now

talaniman

Your partner needs help in a big way, but if he has an addiction then he must decide that he needs help and it doesn't sound as if he has hit bottom. You could seek help yourself and ask if he will come, but don't hold high hopes for it. If he does not want help with his problem then you must do whatever you have to to protect your self from his problem. If its possible some time away from him so that he can THINK about his options may be in order and it may sound drastic but is very neccesary for you to organise your thoughts and let him know you will not stand idly by and allow this behavior. If you must get checked by a doctor do so, but if all he does is masturbate, no sex then passing a STD is almost nil ( NEVER believe an addicted person)but do it for your own peace of mind. It is hard to live and deal with an addict so put YOURSELF first and take no excuses, just positive action on his part. I also wonder if you two ever talk to each other and if their may be a communication break-down somewhere. Counselling for you both would be the ideal solution. Good Luck

goldnugget

i have said to him that we need to get some help together. it's been four days since i found out and, at first he said (and even booked) a lie dector test (that was his idea not mine) and counselling but yesterday he said that he won't do any of those things because he shouldn't have to prove himself to me. he said he will go to counselling as long as i don't talk about his past 'addiction' to these girls but that i have to move out of the house for him to even go to counselling. he has become very angry. he is not violent and is still good to me

Fr_Chuck

Ok, when you go to couseling you have to talk about everything, from what you think of your parents to everything you have done.

And of course his past cheatings has to be discussed in couseling.

So I would tell him either he goes to couseling or you two do a temporary seperation, don't allow him to back out of it. And besides marriage couseling, he also needs private couseling to work on his aditition problem.

This is my opinion anyway

SINGLE4

Hi goldnugget!

I feel for you! I would be totally devastated too!

Sounds to me as though he thinks you are the one with problems... not him! And... HE DOES NEED TO PROVE HIMSELF TO YOU! It is a form of cheating! Sounds as though he has NO respect for you or your feelings! The TRUST issue is because of him and not you! I don't understand some people when they so something SO STUPID and turn it around on their partner! You are not to blame here! He has alot of changing to do and I you DO need to move out! He has to be willing to change in order for the relationship to work! If and/or when you go to counseling... his past "addition" does need to be brought up! That is the whole reason that there are problems in the relationship!

You know what he did is wrong but it doesn't sound like he completely COMPREHENDS this! This man appauls me!

Good Luck and stay strong! Keep telling yourself that you deserve better than this because... YOU DO!!!

mysticque

There are many types of addiction out there. Some are repairable and some aren’t. The only times its not repairable is when your body is completely dependent to the substance like drugs, marijuana, alcohol, smoking and other things but it’s not always the case. Your whole system can’t function without any of these substances/chemicals associated with. If you do intend to stop the addiction usually it will be a gradual process, time consuming, replacement of a new drug or similar non-destructive substance, patience, and with a positive outlook. I’ve had a couple addictions in the past. And I never went for a therapist due to the fact that I wasn’t dangerous with myself or anyone else for that matter. Your partner could be unmotivated, unhappy, or unsatisfied with your sexual activity/practices. Some women out there bear such talents and skills how to fulfill a man’s maximum satisfaction. If he has already attained that level in the past it will be up to you to challenge that action. I know it will be hard to trust someone with such malevolent addiction/actions but you can work it out without even going to a therapist. If you both believe it is necessary then do it. If he’s not inclined to do so don’t push him or that will even disturb the whole situation. The responsibility is mostly his part. He needs to stop doing this or else he will not be able to have a healthy relationship with you or anyone in the future. If you do want to support him then do what’s best for both of you. Motivate him; fulfill what’s his greatest desire. I don’t think it’s dirty if you want to make him happy sexually regardless if the action seems naughty.

K_3

He is trying to make you feel it is your fault. He is mad because you caught him in a lie and he can't talk himself out of it. That is common with addictive personalities. It is not your fault, he has the problem and he has to talk about it to overcome it. Asking you not to bring it up at counseling defeats the purpose of going to counseling.

I am so sorry for you, I know a guy that frequents those places and I do not believe his wife knows. I was amazed when I found out because he is such a nice person. If he does not go to counseling, possibly you can to help you make some decisions. Good luck.

chuff

Well, I think you need to end the relationship. I agree that he needs help and even if he gets it he's already done something that you consider cheating. To me if my partner even kisses someone thats cheating so this crosses that line obviously. The very fact that your physically sick and not sleeping is your bodies way of saying "this is painful please make it stop." Just get out before you start down the cycle of pain. Please you'll be happier later when your emotions die down trust me.