met the most amazing through an unsolicited IM in 1999. We were in are early 20's. The IMing turned to phone conversations, and then meeting 5 months later. We fell in love so quickly. I moved from my home to where she lived at the beginning of 2000. In the summer of 2006, after some very stressful times, she decided to end the relationship. I begged and pleaded, but she stood firm. I moved out of our apartment back to where I grew up three months after the breakup. We continued to talk until last week. Periodically, I would bring up the relationship and whether or not it could be repairable. This seemed to only make her angry. I wanted to hear willingness to work it out, but I sought closure and finality. She said a great many things, some contradictory. In the end, I am still left wondering exactly where I stand with her. I can't understand how someone could just walk away from a 7 year relationship without feeling anything. In our early thirties now, what's next?

"I believe we can make it through this."
"I have feelings that I am not willing to reveal to you right now."
"I want proof of changes in your life."
"I need to focus on myself and make myself happy before I can allow anyone else to make me happy."
"If somebody asked me out, I would accept, but there isn't anybody interested in me right now."
"You telling me that I'm (beautiful, funny, smart, etc.) has lost its luster. I'd like to hear it from someone else."
"I've looked up old boyfriends two years after the fact and had a friendship."
"You mean so much to me."
"I want you in my life."

These are some of the things she's told me. We;ve agreed to give each other space, but no definite time period for the time not communicating. I'm left wondering if she's done or she's just afraid of the future. I'm not sure what I should do or even if I should do anything at all. We now live about 3 1/2 hours away, we'll be even farther apart in about three months. I feel that it has to happen sooner rather than later, but she's not going to allow me to force it.

Is it over for good?

AKaeTrue

Are you ready for the harsh reality?
Yes I believe you need to move on. And in the future, Please don't beg and squabble - it's really a big no no... It makes a man appear to be wimpy. Women want strong confident men. A man in control of himself - one who can take charge of every obstacle in his life like a pro.
So in order to attract new possible relationships, you need to attract women... Do this by being charming and confident. Let them see a man who needs no one in order to survive and be happy in life.

chuff

Well I have a hunch that something happened right before the break up with someone else. It's not a clear cut with the information you've provided as it is with other cases that are posted here but her behavior and a couple of her quotes really struck me as something that someone might say who was cheating or wanted to start something with someone else.

Just out of curiosity was this a rebound relationship for her?

Mind you this is only my theory that someone else was involved based ont the quotes you provided. You don't really say what the stress was so it's hard to get a firm idea but did she start acting different within the last 6 months of the relationship? If so that's usually a sign that she wants out or has put "feelers" out to see if anybody would be interested.

Yeah she had already decided to leave before she actually left. You were asking her when she was emotionally removed from the relationship while you were still hoping for the reconciliation. Emotionally you were at to different places.


She was stringing you along in case something else didn’t work out.

I’m sorry to say that I don’t think you have any standing with her. Also I don’t think she “just walked away. I think she knew she was going to do this long before she did.

Again that comment seems like it’s designed to string you along in case she needs a back up plan. The reason I say that is because she says you make it through but she doesn’t tell you what her concerns are. So how are you even supposed to make sense of that.

This was one of the quotes that struck me that I mentioned above. I believe those feelings she hiding are not for you at all. I believe they are for someone else that she either cheated on you with or left you to start something with.

What are you supposed to change into? That’s a loaded statement intended to string you along.

Well I agree with her that she must focus on herself but the reality is nobody can make her happy but her.

And this was another that struck me. I think somebody is interested or she’s interested and this is her way of letting you know it without saying it.

Another statement that says she’s seeking someone else. In my mind it also proves my theory that she left the relationship emotionally before she left physically.

And this was the big quote for me. The reason I asked if you were a rebound it I was thinking she might have gone back to the guy she was with before you and started something with him. But that also didn’t work before so she needs to keep you as a back up.

Again, intended to string you along.

Again, string you along.

I think you need to lose all contact.

I think that’s a blessing in disguise right there.


I think so my friend. I also think you need to let her go so that you can start to get over this. I don’t like the way she’s been giving you false hope and stringing you along. For you to grow and get over this you must let go now and start focusing on the future.

talaniman

Morrolan, Hey bud I can feel your pain and confusion. The good news is she has freed you from her confusion and doubts to seek some one who is more compatible and stable. All you have to do is accept that this is over and deal with the grief of a dead relationship. Hard on the heart, but in the long run you will benefit greatly from the experience and pain and move ahead a much better person. Life has many things waiting for you so be ready with a clear conscience and positive attitude. Put a high value on your youth and freedom and don't look back.

Ulysses

Morrolan, I am really sorry for you and can understand what you're going through. You are apparrently asking yourself how could a relationship of 7 years stop in such a sudden way. But I agree with Chuff here that she might have considered this and finally taken her decision long before you learnt it. This situation is much similar to mine (again 7 year relationship that ended this autumn). I am not sure if I'm up to such advice as I am only in the beginning of let-go proccess, but I can tell from experience that pain trickles away slowly, and you will feel better later...

Morrolan

I have considered that, but it's not truly in her nature. Cheating, that is. It is possible that she is interested in someone new.



Does a rebound relationship last 7 years with talk of marriage, moving in together in another state, and definitive plans for the future? She did break up with a boyfriend months before meeting. I don't know if that factors in as it was almost a year before we actually got together.


Well, the stresses were mainly caused by me. I didn't have a driver's license when we met, and was never really motivated while we were living in New York. It was very important to her. I also had some debt that I fell behind on to live a lifestyle that I couldn't afford. When we were living together in North Carolina, I was making much less money and couldn't afford to make the changes that could have saved the relationship.

I still believe that to this day. However, she constantly told me that she hadn't moved on. And she got slightly offended when I told her that I wanted closure if she had.

Is that true in all cases? She has never lied or misled me in the past, and I made it very clear that I wanted honesty over the saving of my feelings.

I feel that somewhat. It's just the unsolicited comments of "I want to work through this." that make me believe that there may be some question.

She has told me her concerns. That's where the thing about proof throws me off.

I would agree with your belief. I just haven't seen any evidence to the contrary. I've looked for weight loss, changes in appearance, and evidence of another person in her life, but have found none. It doesn't mean that it isn't true, but it's definitely very well hidden. She used that quote when I talked of pulling away and closing the possibilities off for good. She has even said that she wishes she could honestly have said that she cheated on me, but she hadn't so she wasn't going to lie to me.

Along with her telling me her concerns, she has said she wants a man with a license, a car, a decent job, and stability. I have 3 out of the 4 right now and should become debt-free and stable within 3-6 months.

This confuses me. If there is somebody else, wouldn't that defeat the purpose of trying to make herself happy.

She swears that she isn't looking for it. Around Christmas, she acted very happy to hear from me, and even wanted me to come see her. She acted very excited that she might be able to see after the couple of months that we were apart.

Another statement that says she’s seeking someone else. In my mind it also proves my theory that she left the relationship emotionally before she left physically.



The guy she was dating before me is no longer in her life. He went into the military and they have not talked in years. But I do think that you may be right about a someone else.

Why would you not be honest when someone is standing in front of you asking just for honesty?

I've pushed for that, and she gets offended by me trying to clean up loose ends with mutual friends and her family. She is insistent that she intends to have a friendship with me and that maybe it can turn into something more.

I've gone through breakups before and been on both sides. Some of what you mentioned has crossed my mind. However, I know her pretty well, and some of it just doesn't fit her. She has not ever lied to me, nor has she misled me. She's always been very straightforward with me.

As statistics show, breakups that last more than 3-4 months tend to become permanent, I don't have any hope that things can get better. She disagrees and says she has known more than a few friends that find their way back to each other even 6 months or a year later. She has said she's even looked up old boyfriends after two years. She seems to want me to keep holding on. I'm confused as to why someone would put the person they love through so much hurt when they could just come clean and give them the closure they are seeking.

As this is the perfect woman in my eyes, I'm afraid of settling for second best. Trust me, my feelings are not a kneejerk reaction. I've felt the same way for 7 years. I am taking this space time to clean up my own life and move on. I'm afraid of what will happen if she contacts me in a few months and is happy to talk to me. The emotions and memories are too powerful to ignore. I am the one that has been pushing for closure and a complete separation, but she is the one that wants to keep me close by. Any opinions on that?

If there isn't another person in her eyes, should I wait the space out and maybe try for something later if the chemistry is still there or should I harden my heart from it and look for the second best?

s_cianci

I think you should treat it as though it's over for good. She obviously isn't being straight and upfront with you and probably never will. Get on with your life and meet and date others. Get involved with many activities that are of interest to you. Don't obsess over her and don't have any more contact with her. Realize that you don't need her to make you happy.

talaniman

She wants one thing you want another. You want to move on, and from what I have read here, that sounds like a great idea.

Morrolan

It is a great idea. Unfortunately, much easier is theory than in practice. I've lost so much of myself over the past couple of months. It's a long and bumpy road back.

talaniman

You got that right, my friend. You face a hard long road ahead as many here can attest to. The good part is you will emerge healthy and have a new sense of self respect and self awareness that will carry you for the rest of your life. You will make better decisions and choose better paths to walk thru your life. You will get yourself back better than before and will know what makes you happy and what doesn't. Well worth the journey.