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Hi everyone,
I'm about 7 weeks into my breakup now and I'm doing so much better! I'm so thankful for this board! I started seeing a counselor today because I was having guilty feelings about things I wish I could go back and change in the relationship.
One thing that really bothered me about my ex was that he kept in contact with ALL of his exes and ex "flings". He even went so far as to take ME out on a couple lunches with them. I voiced my opinion about how uncomfortable it made that he was still messaging, phoning, and occasionally hanging out with his ex girlfriends. He said it is just a sign of his maturity that he is capable of being friends with his exes. Personally, I felt like he was kind of keeping them on the backburner "just in case". He tried to go back to one of them right before he met me, but she wouldn't take him back as she had already met someone else.
The counselor today said that she thought him needing to remain friends with his exes was a sign of immaturity. She thinks he felt the need to hold onto the past, and it made him incapable of committing to the future. She also said it was immature for him to try to change my boundaries of not being okay with him hanging out with his exes. He made me feel like I was the one who was wrong.
I feel like I could NEVER be friends with one of my exes. I haven't talked to my first ex boyfriend since we broke up 2 years ago, and I never plan on it either. This most recent ex was my best friend, and we are extremely compatible personality-wise. I still feel like I could never be his friend though. I think I will always be attracted to him in some way, and that wouldn't be fair to whoever he was with.
I was just wondering what everyone else's opinion is on this. Are you friends with your exes? Is it ever appropriate?
Years down the road when the dust and hurt has settled and the maturity has come down (?) then maybe we can be friends. In the middle of the emotional turmoil, never!!!
It's just frustrating that he made me feel like the crazy one for feeling threatened by him wanting to hang out with his exes. His exes are pretty much the reason why our relationship failed. I wonder if he'll ever find a girl who will accept all his exes?
I think it's a dude who needs a lot of attention then. I dated a gal like this and just didn't think it was right. I think every dude she hung out with still thought he had shot. Very jaded - I think she enjoyed knowing that - but it all stemed from a jaded childhood. She toyed with them.
Maybe years down the track when everyone has moved on entirely then perhaps you could. But i bet by then you wont want to and will most probably not even want a friendship.
But right now 7 weeks after the break up i dont think there is hope in hell of having friendship. NO WAY!!
The first 3 to 5 years most likely one of us would have went to jail if we were in the same town, but now 15 years latter we are friends, still live 1000 miles apart but talk a few times a year.
I really don't feel it's appropriate to maintain any on-going friendship with an ex that includes lunch dates and the like if one is in a current "committed" relationship, especially if the significant other expresses discomfort with that. I certainly wouldn't be comfortable with it if I were in your shoes. On the other hand, if one is being free and single and wishes to continue seeing his/her ex's socially then there's really nothing inherently wrong with that. Of course, an obsession with the past is never a good thing under any circumstances. It also isn't good to allow oneself to be led on by the hope of eventually getting back together with an ex if it's never going to happen. Remember, an ex is an ex for a reason.
I could never do it. My latest ex was similar to yours in that he kept friendships with most of his other ex girlfriends too. He had even had an ex girlfriend as a housemate at one time, and she had a fiance' at the time. She moved out when she married the new guy and my ex attended the wedding. I found that to be very odd. He also kept in touch with other exes via email who were long distance. One of his ex girlfriends is now dating one of his best friends and he doesn't even care. He is not bothered by it in the slightest. It's like he can just shut off his feelings like a light switch. Again I find that odd!
When he broke up with me, of course I got the "let's be friends" line and I said no. I know that he found that odd because nearly all of his other exes stayed his friend. I guess I was the only one of his ex girlfriends to turn him down. He made me feel like the "bad guy" (so to speak) in all of this. I still had feelings for him and was very hurt by the way things ended anyway (which was him suddenly dumping me for another girl), so I choose not to be friends with him. He kept contacting me for a long time despite my telling him not to though. I replied to him out of politeness, but finally after he started telling me about his new girlfriend (which was the girl he dumped me for), I ended contact for good. I think he must be an immature, unfeeling person or maybe just a clueless one. I don't really know. I had never had an ex act like him before. I couldn't be friends with him, but I still miss him. It makes me sad, but I can't do it.
As far as my other exes besides the one in question are concerned, I would probably be polite and chit chat if I ran into them, but as far as being friends...hanging out, talking on the phone a lot, I doubt it. In the instances that I broke up with a guy and knew I hurt him, I thought it best to leave him alone and not continue to hurt and confuse any of them, so I didn't stay in touch. I let them move on and find someone better for them than me. Then if they were the ones who broke up with me and I tried to be friends, it wound up that they wanted to turn me into a "booty call". Again, I know some people can remain friends with exes, but I never could.
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