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My boyfriend and i have been going out for two years. the problem is is that im not sure if my feelings for him are waning due to whats recently happened in our lives or that i really dont want to be with him for certain things. in less than 12 months, ive changed colleges, lost my job, and moved 2 states away from the only house ive known. originally i was supposed to live at home in my parents new house, but had to move into an apartment because it was better driving-wise rather than anything else becasue its closer to school than my parents house. i still dont have job where i moved to and the money that ive saved is running out. plus i am questioning my major and whether i should take some time off to pursue other things before wasting any more money in school. im also having problems with my parents and the classes at the old school were a cake walk, and at the new shcool i feel like i ran into a brick wall. so my boyfriend- he's 28, lives at home, doesnt drive, huge sports fan, tempermental, gambles/bets, has a brother with a mental disorder, smokes pot on a regualr basis, has a mediocre job, kind of anal, (mind you these are the negatives, so don't go thinking why the heck is she with him if she has a problem with everything?) most fo the things mentioned i dont have a problem with. I have a problem mostly with the pot but gambling, his brother having a mental disorder and his temperment concern me. The gambling is ok right now. he plays the online poker and does very well, and then hell bet on things and wont do too well, and then get bent out of shape and angry that he lost and he'll dwell on it for it days. he doesnt bet more than he can handle though. its just a concern for the future if we were to go beyond bf/gf. he doesnt believe his brother has a mental disorder. he believes its from the drugs his brother did when he was in college. my bf's history is full of drug use too, but something happened to him at 23 that made him quit all of it except pot. his brother hears voices and i tihnk is bipolar, and is on meds but he had an episode before the meds where he attacked his dad and my bf. I am scared that he'll snap one day and ill be the one thats near him. he doesnt have any violent tendancies, but neither did his brother before the episode. im scared too that he'll snap around our kids, if we last that long. i have a problem with his temperment because i am afraid one day he'll have a heart attack. his avidness for sports and how involved he gets with poker and sports and things, plus i think he has a high energy personality or ADD or soemthing... he HAS to be doing something, except when he smokes.... causes him to fly off the handle and get so tense and angry. i mean muscles in the neck popping out and spit flying out of his mouth and loud angry ranting...So the pot thing... i didnt have a major problem with when we first started going out because he has crohns and nothing his doctors were doing/giving him helped ease the pain. he was admitted twice in less than a month to the hospital for complications,it was bad...he was sick and was admitted the second time at a weight of 140 and he's 6ft. he recoverd and his doc put him on dialysis with this stuff that keeps the inflammation in check and helps him lead a better life. he promised that he would slow down with the pot, and for awhile he kept it up but slowly started to fall into his old habit. he says hes not addicted to it and that he likes smoking because it helps him be happy and makes everything go away. im scared that he is dependent on it to make him happy and that instead of facing the problems or getting legal medical help he shuts it all out with pot. plus it makes him lazy, forgetful, and bad in bed. he thinks my dislike for th epot is based on the fact that i am pretty straight edge... i only drink and that i only do when im with friends, at a bar, etc... and i pretty much follow every law/rule there is...he wont give it up at all and i am scared that my future kids will start smoking pot and bonding time with dad will involve smoking a bowl or joint...i dont want my kids doing drugs and his philosophy is if its not hurting anyone, then its ok to do it... but he doesnt see that its hurting me and its hurting him too. i dont think he'll ever stop smoking and i dont know if id be ok with it if he slowed down rather than quit. ive smoked with him to try it, to see if i feel what he feels but i dont and i tihnk thats because im a happy person to being with... all pot does is make me giggle. so im not sure if i should throw in the towel or stick out until im past the recent life changing things. any thoughts would be great..
I think, and I could be wrong because it looks like she typed it in a hurry, that it's overall about her boyfriend smoking and being dependant on pot. For the most part.
Girl, almost every single thing you said was negative here. Read your own post. Get rid of him. He's not going to change and the problems in his life are not going to go away by him smoking weed, except for when his mind is mental itself. You are not happy-you can do better for yourself. Being with people like this only brings you down with them. Trust me, I know.
You said yourself, you are a genuinely happy person and don't need to smoke pot, but you tried it and wasn't impressed with it...-Then don't become what you don't like/want. You sound young to where you have many years of life to live-don't just settle-get what you want, what you REALLY want. You can't keep justifying what he does. You said he gambled, and then you said "well, he does pretty good with the money he bets...." you mention things you don't like about this man, and then you turn around and justify the things he does that you don't like. Stop it. get away from him. You will be much happier.
I would move on. It sounds to me he has anger issues, drug issues, gambeling issues, so on and so forth. All of these things are MAJOR red flags. Finish college, get a good job, make a better life for yourself and have kids with a respectible guy. You wouldn't want to bring children into this situation (at least I hope not.) If he can yell at you, frothing at the mouth, what will he do to the children.
I would be gone, life is too short. Want better for yourself. Good luck.
Seriously??? Like Mo said, re-read your own post. Really, read it. If a guy breaks into homes and robs them blind of all their possesions, and does this everyday, but doesn't physically hurt anyone, does that make him a nice guy? Come on, you know the answer to your own question, you just don't want to admit it.
Bern, I've asked this questions to other women on this site in a similiar situation and I will now ask you, would you introduce this guy to your precious daughter?
Would you say, "Honey, there's this fun and exciting guy I want you to meet. He's cute and cool, the only thing is that he has a bit of a gambling problem. It's under control right now, but, well, he's also spontaneous and emotional, but that might be due to all the pot he smokes. He doesn't have a great job, but he does make enough to support his drug habit and has enough left over for him to gamble. Unfortunately, he doesn't make enough, even though he is supposed to be a 28 year old MAN, to live on his own and be self-sufficient paying his own rent and bills, but heck, he lives with mommy and daddy still. Oh, and by the way, he has this unstable brother that has attacked him and his dad, but just wear a helmet and you should be fairly safe, just don't take your kids over there if you get knocked up. And, whenever he can, he'll take you out for a fun time, on the bus cause he has no car...that's good enough right honey???"
I'm not trying to sound sarcastic to hurt you Bern, I want you to see the kind of life you're living and the kind of life you will inherit if you stay with this guy. I know you're having a heck of a time right now with losing your job and moving away from home but it is all survivable. If your previous school was a cake walk then its good that you left that school because it didn't challenge you and challenges make us stronger and sharper. This difficulty in school is even harder because you're wasting precious time and energy with your bf. Don't do this to yourself. Wake up and realize that you're sugar-coating the hell out of this relationship and this guy. I don't think you pictured him as the man of your dreams when you were a kid and now that you are a mature adult, you shouldn't want this for yourself now.
There might be lots of pros you can find to stay with him, but I'm almost certain, it doesn't outweigh the cons for leaving him. His gambling might be under control right now, but what do you do one day when you're married and it's not? Emotional instability can cause great chaos and enable us to make unwise decisions. The pot may not be enough one day, then what?
Walk away from this and don't look back. Hard, maybe, but not impossible. Give your future a chance to flourish. Don't let him guilt you into staying either. If he is not ambitious about his future, don't let him take away yours.
Dump this loser like a hot potato. He's no good for you. You've got your life to deal with right now and he's not going to help matters any. No good can come out of this. Is this the type guy you'd want for your daughter or sister? Think about it.
He has a problem with drugs from what i can get out of it. Get rid of him.You dont need that. Plus he is angry and bordering on abusive. porobably to do with the drugs.
Why take that? Get out while you are safe!
There is too much good advice you've been given, and I will only add for as much as you love this guy he has too many issues that need to be addressed. I really don't think that you are capable of giving him the help he needs. I see him getting much worse before he gets better, Save yourself a lot of heartache and leave him alone . Sorry.
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