| The Whole Story
Since I have gotten some really good advice here I thought I would lay the whole story out there and see what kind of opinions I get from you people. First off. I live in a very small rural comunity with a population of approx 1700. I have lived here most of my life except a few years where I was pursuing an education and when I first started working. As you may imagine, in a commnity this size, everyone knows everyone else. In some ways this is good and in others it's bad. Everybody knows your name, but your name gets it's run on the gossip list every so often as well lol. Another drawback to a small comunity is that options for romance are somewhat less than in a bigger center. I had known this particular girl for quite awhile even though she was 9 years younger than me. I had known her mostly because she had been dating a friend of mine for a few months. He was quite taken by her but she really didn't feel the same about him. They broke up after a few months and she started showing an intrest in me. I resisted at first because her ex was a very good friend and he really had feelings for her. I resisted for almost a year before giving in. After all, I really liked her as well. We dated for several months on the sly without telling anyone about what we were doing. I felt very guilty about this because I knew her ex would be upset when he found out and I didn't think we were showing him much respect by hiding our relationship from him. She kept saying that what we did was " nobody's buisness but ours" and that they had been split up for over a year and what she did was none of his concern at all. Well, as I'm sure you know, when knowledge of my relationship with ... let's call her Jan... came to light, he was very hurt and hasn't hardly spoken to either of us since. I don't blame him. I shoulda told him, but didn't want to anger Jan.
Since our relationship was now public knowledge, we didn't have to sneak around anymore. This openend up a ton of new opportunities for us. We could actually go and do things as a couple instead of being worried that we were gonna get caught together. It was much better. There were good times and bad. Jan has a major problem with intimacy that we had to work thru. She had been sexualy abused by her step brother from the age of 9 to the age of 16. This was very hard to work thru, but we did it. Or at least I think we did it. It a lot of very hard work to get to the point where we were comfortable with eachother. I never pushed her to have sexual relations until she was comfortable with the idea. We were almost a year into the relationship before we started sleeping with each other even tho we were both sexually active in previous relationships. Once we became physically intimate, the flood gates opened. I have had several physical relationships in the past, but never one where I was so much in tune with what Jan wanted. It seemed as tho sexually we were a perfect match. The more we explored eachother, the more we found we were on the EXACT same pge sexually. It was wonderfull. It still is.
I have been married before and she was engaged to be at one time. I have 3 children from my previous marriage and she has one from her previous relationship. As you can immagine, intergrating everyone together was very difficult. Things were going so well for us that we decided to try living together. We thought that we could all live together as one happy family. BIG MISTAKE. As I look back, I think that this was the beginning of the end for us. Jan and hes son moved into my house with myself and my daughter. My sons live with their mother, but my daughter lives with me. When Jan and her son moved in, I let them kind of take over so they would be comfortable. I let Jan pick out new colors for some of the rooms and let her son have his choice of whichever bedroom he wanted. I thought things were going well, but never realized that Jan was uncomfortable there because this was MY house. I had been married and had an entire life before her there. Her son was uncomfortable because he felt that this wasn't his home. My kids had always been there and he didn't always feel like they wanted him around. I was oblivious to this. I was happy that I had Jan living with me, my daughter and Jan's son were here and I also had my own boys on the weekends. I was happy and I got complacent. I stopped trying as hard with our relationship and didn't even notice that Jan and her son were unhappy. I figured that they would just get used to things and grow to accept the way things were. We started growing apart while living together. Shortly after Christmas, Jan told me she thought we had made a mistake moving in together and that she would be moving back to her own house. I flipped...I was hurt and upset that she didn't want to try and make things work out and pretty much said that she quit on our relationship. This was really dificult for me to understand, but after a few days I accepted the fact that I couldn't change it and let her go. For awhile, things seemed to get back on track a bit. We spent time together but more and more frequently she needed time with her friends away from me. She would tell me she was going to go with whoever to see a movie or whatever. I was kinda hurt that she didn't want to include me, but whatever. lol I KNOW for a fact that she NEVER cheated on me so please don't get that idea. I just was hurt because I wanted to spend time with her and she needed something else. When she would do these things I apparently had a way of making her feelguilty about not spending time with me and not working on our relationship. This often led to problems and arguments. The latest in a long line of similar arguments happend last weekend. We were going to spend some time together with another couple at a lake close by where we live. The plan was that she was going to go to this lake with the couple while I was going to go get my boys and meet them out there later for some fishing and r&r. Well, they left, I went to get my kids, but my car broke down before I even left town. I ended up having to borrow my mothers car to go get my boys. Instead of going out to the lake after, In had to bring my mothers van back to her. The next day I spent most of the day working on my vehicle getting it running. I finally got it going at about 4:00pm . It was getting late so i figured that I would just make supper and then take my boys to a movie. This was the plan anyway. Everyone was going to come in from the lake and go to the movie. I figured we could just meet up there. Well, I went to movie with my boys, but nobody else showed up. I found out after the movie that they all decided to stay a couple extra hours at the lake because the fish were biting. I was already unhappy because the weekend I had been looking forward to was screwed already and If they were staying at the lake longer, I woulda liked to have gone. There is no cellular coverage at the lake, but there is a public phone out there so I figured she coulda called me. Anyway, we ended up having a big argument and when the evening was over we werent speaking. We actually decided to give eachother a few days to calm down. When we started speaking , she told me she wanted to break up. She claimed that she had been feeling depressed lately and was very unhappy. She claimed that she would like to take some time to work on herself and perhaps work towards a future reconcilliation. Okay...fine. Not what I wanted, but at least she dosent hate me...the very next day, her former friend, a girl who is a little loose moaraly posted on my facebook page...." I don't know whats going on, but you can call me anytimer you need someone to talk too". Jan SNAPPED On my facebook wall she wrote the following" It didn't even take 24 hours for the vulture to start circling the fresh meat". I got in contact with Jan and assured her that I was not interested in starting something with her former friend who happens to be married as well. I told her that she was the one I wanted and that was all there was to it. We spoke for awhile. We even entertained the thought of being friends with benifits, but nothing has become of that other than me being slightly confused. Recently she started making cryptic statements on Facebook and MSN messenger about how she was going ato leave facebook so she could concentrate on herself and how she was so sad that things turned out the way they did. The biggest one that worried me was this " Does it make you an alcoholic if you drink alone? Well hello pina colada...where have you been hiding?" Jan dosent drink. She hadnt had a drink in over 2 years. Obviously this scared me a little, but I have not been talking to her since the night I assured her that I don't want her loose former friend. Am I right to be not contacting her? Should I have hope for a reconcilliation? What else can I do? Her statement at the time of this post is " You were everything I ever wanted" we were meant to be,supposed to be, but we lost it" I am confused and hurt...What the heck do I do now?
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