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There is a man I casually know, a friend of my husband's. I don't see him much, but recently he has started to pay attention to me. He is also married. He started coming around when I was working, and would stand next to me, very close. He calls occasionally, for little reasons. He always speaks to me when I am around. He says little things about my husband, lfor instance "if you have the looks and the brains, what does he have?" He is always looking at me when we are together and whenever I move away from him, he quickly turns to watch me. He is in law enforcement and once while questioning a suspect in front of our store, right in the middle, he turned around, smiled, winked at me and said "hi". He came to our house the other night very late because we had called to ask him a question, and instead of answering on the phone, he came all the way to our house and ended up staying 2 1/2 hours, while he was supposed to be working. I noticed that when I walk past him, if he needs to move for me to get past, he is reluctant to do so. He also was noticeably "stroking" the table while he sat across from me. Is this guy just harmlessly flirting, or does he have serious intentions?
I agree with you Pburke, We are all human and make human mistakes. And that means you have thoughts and they are not all perfect. I know I have been there where you are. But only you can make the right decision, we are here merely to offer advice.
But I do think its a bit much when others start calling someone a "louse" which I think is a little uncalled for. No body is perfect and we all have our flaws its upp to us to make our own decisions about our lives when it comes down to it.
I think when you had mentioned that you were attracted to this guy after you described him and he sounded kinda creepy to the rest of us. I think people were just a little taken a back by it.
It seems like you honestly didn't know this guys intentions and were just asking about it, I see what you were trying to get at. I think the guy does like you, but you have to ask why would he be so obvious to do that knowing your married? Thats why I think a lot of us think he is a creep. He wants you but is friends with you and your husband, doesn't sound like the best of character.
Normally I would be the first to apologize for making a mistake,but in re-reading this thread,I feel that my response was appropriate for the information that was presented at the time.With more information a question has come to mind, if things being as you say why would you be asking about the character of a friend of you and your husband that you are attracted to and not be asking about the relationship between your husband and you which seems more of a point to seek advice about? Just curious!
The answer to that is quite lengthy and complicated, so in an effort to not bore people to death, here goes. My husband and I have beaten the horse to death, so to speak. He has made considerable effort to modify his behavior and be a more sensitive to others, especially me. I on the other hand, seem to be unable to let go of the 12+ years of verbal and mental abuse I have let him subject me to. In general, we have a decent relationship, however, he does at times revert to his abusive side. Don't misunderstand, he has never, and never would raise a hand to me, he is just incredibly demeaning and impossible to please. So basically, we mostly agree to disagree. It is obvious to me that I have not chosen "Mr. Right" and it is obvious to him as well, he too has a laundry list of things about me he would change. It is also obvious to me that I have this crush because I see something in this other person which is closer to my idea of my "Mr. Right". My description of him was probably taken as creepy because it is difficult to describe a person's non-verbal cues without a little exaggeration, making it seem like he is outwardly aggressive. This is not the case, his actions are more subtle and seemingly on an uncoscious level. I wouldn't expect any apologies, nor do I think any are due. I do not often communicate in this manner, and as it seems, it takes a little practice to effectively get your point across.
Hey P sorry for the misunderstanding before,I get to be a little blunt sometimes especially when I get caught up in what a think is totally wrong,and who am I to judge someone else.I hope you stick around and don't be put off by hard heads like myself,good luck with your marraige!
All - mental AND verbal abuse can be MORE dammaging than physical. It's JUST as bad and if not worse.
NO ONE DESERVES MENTAL AND PHYSICAL ABUSE.
I persoanlly would get out of this because it wont get better - these guys promise change, but a few weeks later they resort back to the abuse - it takes years of therapy to get over this.
Yes I know, but we have 2 small children and I would like for them to get a little older before I make a move like that. A year and a half ago I went out looking at apartments, my children told him what we did (not knowing any better) and we had a lengthy discussion. Since that time he has been to counseling and made significant improvement, but I don't think that I can get past it. Additionally, as I said, sometimes he slips back into his abusive ways. It's hard even talking about it because I have already spent so much energy on "working" on it, that I just get tired of thinking about it.
"slips back into his abusive ways" - I feel for you, because they always will. It's also a respect thing - people generally are abusive to people they don't respect.
I can't imagine what you've been through. And if he treats the children the same way, well, they don't deserve it.
I truly feel for your situation! Mental and verbal abuse are nothing you should have to put up with. It is good that he is seeking counseling but I think you still may want to consider moving on to an apartment of your own. Especially with two small children. Even if you may think they are too small to understand they may be feeling the effects of the verbal abuse even if he doesn't do it to them. Have you seeked any counseling to help yourself with this situation? I wish you the best and hope that all works out well for you and your children!
Thank you. I am actually trained as a counselor, so I know I should go, but I just don't have the energy to talk about it anymore. I understand that I don't have the strength and courage right now to move on, but I know one day I will. I'm sure it would be better for the kids, but they adore him and he really loves them, the stress of us arguing has taken its toll on their sense of "well being" though, and my husband at least recognizes that and we both work really hard now not to discuss things in front of them. At this moment in time, we are both working to help our children.
I know its hard honey, believe me my husband is a recovering addict. And I have been there. Thingd are much better now but you never know. Of course your childern adore him he is there daddy and im sure he is a great father, but that doesnt always he is a great spouse. There are plenty of good parents but that doesnt mean they treat there spouses with respect. Take it day by day. Its very easy for people like us to tell you to get out of the situation, Im guilty of it. But since we aren;t there we don;t know exactly what your feelings are and how you want to go about this. And if at this moment your working together for your childrens sake, then at least that's telling me you both want to work on this and you both care enough about eachother. i do commend you on that.
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