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My boyfriend and I were talking, and somehow the topic of my hair came up; first things first, I am african american and native american-usually I get confused with every race in existence besides white. Regardless, I do have nappyish/ more so curly hair. Usually right after I was it it is curly but, if I come it out its an afro. Anyways, my entire life I've been a little conscious about my hair as I grew up around latinos and caucasians with long hair either straight or curly or wavy. Only up until I began to befriend other black females such as myself did I feel comfortable about it and not so ashamed and embarrassed. Like most black females we been conditioned to think straight is the only way to go as it is most beautiful and what not. Well, Ive been watching Tyra and one of my best friends is black--she wears her hair all natural; she wears it well and people dont seem to think negatively about it. I want that freedom too. Washing, blow-drying, hot-combing and straightening all for it to sweat out in a few hours is tiring. Sometimes I want to braid it so I dont have to spend hours doing it. Recently Ive been thinking about just growing it out a few inches longer so I can wear it all natural, but my boyfriend says he prefers it straight and he likes it better that way. He is obviously not black so he doesnt understand the issue very well. It also upset me because it puts such a restraint on my hair versatility. He doesnt like when I braid my hair, but its like "dont you know" we braid it so it can grow instead of damaging it from daily endeavors. I feel like he only thinks im beautiful if my hair is straight and I dont like that. I want him to appreciate our cultural differences and not think im any less attractive than other women simply because my hair is not long and straight. What should I do? I dont want to perm, Ive had it before and it severely damaged my hair. Should I just wear wigs and weaves the entire time? I used to be comfortable with my hair around him, and now I definitely Im not. Any advice?
Hmm...I think you are overlooking the fact that I have to spend significant amounts of time to "straighten" my hair for his pleasure. The black men that I know really dont care all too much about whether or not his "black" or even any woman with nappy-ish thick almost unmanagebale hair--is STRAIGHT. As long as it looks presentable and nice. My dad is black and my mom fixes her hair in so many different styles that resemble african heritage and he never complains, or says anything about his hair or our hair. Actually, he always compliments it. I have some male friends that are african american and they think similarly. So i dont know, i think its both a cultural thing and a guy thing.
So i dont know, i think its both a cultural thing and a guy thing.
I don't know if it's so much a guy thing as it's this particular guy's hangup. I'm AA and my hair is pretty versatile. I date all races and never had anyone make me feel uncomfortable about our differences. The white guys I've dated knew that I had to do certain things to my hair to make/keep it straight. They knew from the onset of the relationship that we're different but never made a big deal of it.
Sit down and talk to him and give him a chance to actually voice his feelings to you. It may not be so much that he likes your hair straight because he wants you to be something you're not but maybe if it was like that when you met, it's just something he's used to. Talk to him.
My dad is black and my mom fixes her hair in so many different styles that resemble african heritage and he never complains, or says anything about his hair or our hair. Actually, he always compliments it.
How much time does your mother spend trying to get her Native American hair into hairstyles resembling your father's Black heritage? Of course he doesn't complain it isn't his hair. She is doing it for him, because she wants to or she likes the styles. What if she went for hair styles from her own culture?
It still comes down to it is your hair. He isn't the one torturing himself to style it.
I bet you have beautiful hair. Give him a chance to see it and get used to a new hairstyle.
How much time does your mother spend trying to get her Native American hair into hairstyles resembling your father's Black heritage? Of course he doesn't complain it isn't his hair. She is doing it for him, because she wants to or she likes the styles. What if she went for hair styles from her own culture?
It still comes down to it is your hair. He isn't the one torturing himself to style it.
I bet you have beautiful hair. Give him a chance to see it and get used to a new hairstyle.
I think there is a misunderstanding and I shall apologize for not being very detailed with my last post. My father is black and native, my mom is just black, for some reason I have more of the texture of native american hair as it is extremely soft and fine when straight. My sisters isnt even as soft and light as mine. I guess I absorbed the majority of the Native hair gene. Anyways, I think it may a have a little to do with what I looked like when we first met--but everyone who has common sense knows people do not look the same forever. Of course, I going to want to change it up every now and again, people just have to get used to change I think. I dont know if I want to "sit down" with him and discuss it; he doesnt like to talk about little things here and there that to him mean nothing. He just says stop or he will be like "I dont want to talk about it anymore" which is why I usually come on this site lol; or text a guy friend for immediate answers and opinions. I dated a white boy once and he wasnt so much concerned about the way I wore my hair. I was wearing braids and then I took them out he said it looked nice both way. I dated two black men and they always were very understanding of the situation. Whether it was nappy, curly, straight. And then the latino/portuguese guy I went out with for a few months didnt say much at all but I do remember he liked when my hair was curly with gel (in an afro style) and then he too liked when I straightened it. If I remember correctly, it actually "surprised him". he didnt know I could do so many things with it. I just want him to appreciate my hair and not be so judgemental about it. Im thinking Im just going to get straight-long haired weaves/wigs so I dont have to deal with my hair and so he can be aesthetically pleased.
I just want him to appreciate my hair and not be so judgemental about it. Im thinking Im just going to get straight-long haired weaves/wigs so I dont have to deal with my hair and so he can be aesthetically pleased.
I'm a bit concerned that your BF is so infexible that the only way he likes you is with straight hair. I'm also concerned about the importance your hair has as part of the relationship and that you feel you need to 'aesthetically' please him.
Something is not quite right here. If he didn't like the size of your breasts would you change them? If he didn't like the shape of your nose or mouth, because they were too African American would you have them altered?
Why the fixation on your hair? Why is it SO important for him to like it?
It is nice when our partners appreciate our physical appearance, but in the end it is not who we are. It is merely an expression of our personality and our personalities have many aspects.
Perhaps ask yourself why you feel the need to adjust this aspect of yourself to meet your BF's expectations. It sounds like you're trying a bit too hard to please him to me.
my mom fixes her hair in so many different styles that resemble African heritage and he never complains, or says anything about his hair or our hair. Actually, he always compliments it.
Your dad is a smart man, and most men are the same. We compliment our female partners and appreciate them.
I think your to fixated on please this guy, and I wonder how healthy that is.
I can say that jumping thru hoops to be attractive toward him will only make you lose yourself, and your self esteem, and thats where I think your headed now.
For sure if he doesn't like your hair, then he doesn't like you either, or himself.
Why the fixation on your hair? Why is it SO important for him to like it?
It is nice when our partners appreciate our physical appearance, but in the end it is not who we are. It is merely an expression of our personality and our personalities have many aspects.
Perhaps ask yourself why you feel the need to adjust this aspect of yourself to meet your BF's expectations. It sounds like you're trying a bit too hard to please him to me.
You know, I never really thought about it retrospectively. I guess just like any young woman who is in love, I want to please him, yet I dont want it to be at the expense of limiting my hair to just straight hairstyles. I want him so see me as the most beautiful no matter what but I guess it wont be like that. I am not sure. I braided my hair once and he told me he didnt like it. He never explains why either, so theres no room for discussion or compromise. Its like if I want him to think im sexiest that I will ever be it has to be straight. There so many more things I like to do to my hair, and that I did when I was single; no one ever complained to me or said it was ugly, so why am i feeling that from him. It doesn't make sense to me. I am insecure about the way I look for him because something happened in our relationship some months ago; perhaps i put so much of the blame on the fact that I wasnt physically attractive enough to him and what not...But enough about this, I want freedom with my hair! And I just want to be alluring to the eye regardless of what style i choose. By the way the way I would do my hair is not anything too out of the ordinary either. Pretty typical for girls in general, or even other black females. Its not ghetto, its not distasteful, ect.
You know, I never really thought about it retrospectively. I guess just like any young woman who is in love, I want to please him, yet I dont want it to be at the expense of limiting my hair to just straight hairstyles. I want him so see me as the most beautiful no matter what but I guess it wont be like that. I am not sure. I braided my hair once and he told me he didnt like it. He never explains why either, so theres no room for discussion or compromise. Its like if I want him to think im sexiest that I will ever be it has to be straight. There so many more things I like to do to my hair, and that I did when I was single; no one ever complained to me or said it was ugly, so why am i feeling that from him. It doesn't make sense to me. I am insecure about the way I look for him because something happened in our relationship some months ago; perhaps i put so much of the blame on the fact that I wasnt physically attractive enough to him and what not...But enough about this, I want freedom with my hair! And I just want to be alluring to the eye regardless of what style i choose. By the way the way I would do my hair is not anything too out of the ordinary either. Pretty typical for girls in general, or even other black females. Its not ghetto, its not distasteful, ect.
Something about him is creating insecurity within you.
It wouldn't matter if you had a mowhawk or a beehive or dreadlocks - it's actually not about your hair, it's about you feeling that you lack confidence when you are with him because he is critical of your hairstyle.
As the other posters have said - it's your hair. Wear it however YOU wish. If he doesn't like it then that's his problem. Don't allow him to control how you look and how you feel about how you look (if you know what I mean).
You are you. Not an extension of his likes and dislikes. Take back your power.
my boyfriend has a say in my hair styles. when i can't make up my mind and feel like giving him a say. and even then i have the final say. he loves me for me, and if he wants to keep me around, he knows that his response to any hairstyle i decide on had better be "of course you still look beautiful!" he does not get to decide that my hair can't be a certain way because he doesn't like it. wear your hair how you're comfortable with. if he doesn't like it and has the nerve to tell you not to style it a certain way just because, show him the door.
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