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Girlfriend wants to break up, but still loves me ? ?
Hiya,
Was just wondering if you could offer any advice on my situation ?
Im 28 and my girlfriend (now ex) is 26. Weve been together for just over 6 months now. I live about 70 miles away and only get to see her on the weekends. She is at school as a full time student and a photographer on the side.
Most of the time our weekends are great....time just flies by. I think were really compatable and we really have alot of fun together. Were interested in the same things (music, travelling, partying, adventures). Ive met her parents, went to her Grandmas for christmas and spent that there with her. Her family likes me and i dont really see any issues there.
About 2 months ago she said she wanted some "space" as she was stressed out alot with 3 deadlines at work (freelance photographer) aswell as her college and art projects. She said a week...which i did, but it was hard. Things then went back to "normal" and we saw each other regularly. Our sex life was great until last weekend where she just simply said "no".
Yesterday over the phone we were speaking and i noticed something wrong just in her mood and tone. I asked her about it and eventually got her to confess that she thinks were not right for each other. I asked her why...and she just said that she doesnt love me as much as a few weeks ago...and says she feels like were in a old couples marriage relationship already!! Ouch!
On one hand she says that, but in the same sentence she is saying that ive done nothing wrong, im a great boyfriend, and she still loves me and wants me in her life as a friend. I would bet that shes not seeing anyone else as she just doenst have the capacity for it, and i really really dont think shes that type of person.
She said that she loves me "so much" that she needs to let me go, as she feels that she cant give me what im looking for. She said that its easier to let me down now than in another 6 months. I just dont understand how she can think she loves me, but wants to get rid of me.
She also said sorry for knowlingly being so self centered, but shes been hurt brfore so i think this is a defense mechanism...but she said that she really needs to focus on herself.
I must admit that weve seen each other almost every weekend since weve met....i just dont know what to do, feel, say anymore....I got out of a messy divorce about a year and a half ago, where that completely ruined my life....and i vowed that i would never let myself get that low and depressed again, but im really feeling somewhat of the same right now.
My close friends just tell me to "play the game"...or "wait it out" and show her that you have a life too and dont NEED her....but im afraid if i dont contact her ill loose her forever.
Its been about 4 days now....ive sent her an email saying that id love to speak to her and to just give me a shout when shes ready.
Your friend is right, do as she has asked, leave her alone until she contacts you.
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show her that you have a life too and dont NEED her...
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Show her, and yourself, that you love yourself enough to be happy with being single, and don't need her to be happy.
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but im afraid if i dont contact her ill loose her forever.
She has already walked away, so there is nothing to lose any more, except your dignity. Thats your mind telling you she is more important, than you are, and that is unhealthy, and puts you on the path to misery and pain, by your own hand. Do not contact her, and live your life, making YOURSELF happy, without her. This will heal the pain and confusion, you feel now, with time and work, and allow you to heal, and move to doing better things with your life.
This is a common pattern that many people make when they meet someone else.
Stay with me for a second, hear me out.
She's at college you say? That means she's meeting dozens of new people on a weekly basis. Her pattern of behavior is consistant with the following: She met someone new that she kinda liked, but she was already involved so she didn't persue it. But after time, she wanted to really get to know this guy. So she told you she needed a break and got with this guy. But then she felt sad because you weren't around (duh), so she went right back asap. Then when she was back together with you, she remembered why she wanted to break up again (to meet other people, this new guy probably had a great attribute about him that matched her personality that you don't have), and so she ended it once and for all.
This pattern happens a LOT! Then they say that they still love you and yada yada yada, just like you said she said. Same old same old. She doesn't want you to move on or see anybody else because if you do, it'll make her emotional. But if you chase her or try to win her back, it will just push her away. So that's a lose-lose.
You gotta respect her wishes, and do a no contact. But basically, you'd be doing yourself a favor as well. You broke up. It's over. You say you've been together for 6 months, but 2 months ago she needed "space", so that's onyl 4 months in. That's not long. Hell, 6 months isn't long. That's a short short short short relationship. Not enough time to get to know someone inside and out. 80% of that person maybe. 85%-90% is possible. But you can't know someone 100% in only 6 months. She sounds flaky, needy, insecure. If you try your best to stay with her, she will just do this again and again to you.
I'm sorry buddy. I've seen this pattern a million times and I see no reason why your situation would be any different. I don't want to give you a sugar-coated response, something I'm sure you'd love to hear, but that's not reality and it won't help you one bit.
Dating is...at it's most basic...and hunt. She appears to be moving on to a new hunting grounds and you can't actually stop her. Best to start the process yourself, too. Since she is single (as are you) then she doesn't owe you anything, hard as that may be to accept.
You're going to keep thinking about her because it is a well-developed habit. Until you actually acquire effective alternative use of the weekends (time you've been setting aside exclusively for her), then this is still going to be a problem.
You know, she gave you a good tip...describing your dating relationship as an "old couple relationship" may be telling. Don't try to overthink what she meant, but do consider it in your next relationship. Keep it fresh and unpredictable by making sure you are trying new things together every month...and I don't mean sexually. I mean to get out into the world and experience some stuff.
What i just dont understand is how can she feel this way when just a week ago she was singing my praises and saying that she loved me ? She also told me she would never throw away what we have...etc etc. I simply just dont understand...and what makes it more confusing for me is that she said i did nothing wrong, and was a great boyfriend.
She seemd really honest and open and just said that she needed space and loved me so much that she had to let me go ? ? That sounds like a cheap cop out, but i simply cant accept that coming from her as it just doesnt fit her personallity....maybe im naive, but i really feel that she was being honest ? The last time we spoke (the day of the breakup) I asked her if she thought we would ever be back together...she said she didnt think so.... ? I just dont understand...
BTW, over and over I read your problem, and she's simply tryin to spare your feelings. Women are very emotional creatures. She knows how she would feel in your shoes, so she's trying her best to try to make you feel better about yourself, while still getting what she wants in return. It's evil as all hell, because that makes you think you still have a chance with her. So you contact and contact her over and over, and then she realizes that she made a mistake by keeping you close, so finally she cuts off contact completely.
What i just dont understand is how can she feel this way when just a week ago she was singing my praises and saying that she loved me ? She also told me she would never throw away what we have...etc etc. I simply just dont understand...and what makes it more confusing for me is that she said i did nothing wrong, and was a great boyfriend.
She seemd really honest and open and just said that she needed space and loved me so much that she had to let me go ? ? That sounds like a cheap cop out, but i simply cant accept that coming from her as it just doesnt fit her personallity....maybe im naive, but i really feel that she was being honest ? The last time we spoke (the day of the breakup) I asked her if she thought we would ever be back together...she said she didnt think so.... ? I just dont understand...
That's a much simpler answer than you think, and I've already said it once in my responses. She's trying to spare your feelings. She's trying to make you feel better, because that in turn will help her feel better for making you feel so bad to begin with.
Women are emotional. Most of their lies or exagurations come out when they are trying to spare people's feelings, because that in turn will also make them feel good. They lie when their friend buys a hideous pair of shoes but call them "cute", or lies to you by telling you she "loves you", but in reality she means it as a friend, or doesn't love you at all. Sorry bro.
I really think that this is not the case as she doesnt have the capacity for it....shes too busy with work and school art projects id say.
Well....whatever i do, like you say, shes gone now. I just gotta not contact her. What should i do about our stuff at each others house ?
I really would like to know the honest truth if she is seeing someone else...i asked her point blank and she said "NO WAY"....i just wanna be alone right now and focus on school and my art.
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