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    No sexual attraction with my girlfriend

    Asked Sep 29, 2006, 08:49 PM 33 Answers
    I met a girl about 2 years ago. From the instant I met her I knew she was a really nice girl and someone I would like to get to know. We started dating right away but not a whole lot.

    I'm a male by the way. My history is basically that I suppose I am an attractive guy and I have had quite a few partners. I don't/didn't sleep with everyone I met but maybe a few ayear. Anyway my point is I've gotten used to some wild women and so forth.

    This new girl however was pretty green/innocent.. I am her 3rd partner.

    For whatever reasons at the time I was not quite ready for a commitment and I told her this. She liked me enough she said fine but she didn't want me sleeping with others. Well we continued to date though I did sleep around a little.

    After 6 months or so I finally realized I really liked her and did not want her to get away so I asked her to be my girlfriend and we have been together since.

    We are pretty close now. I care about her and love her very much. I think she would be a great wife and I think we would be happy together. Everyone in my family LOVES her too, and her family likes me.

    It all seems perfect, but there is a problem, she just doesn't excite me.

    I guess I am used to girls being "slutty" in the sack. They don't necessarily have to be "slutty" in reality but I am guessing that is what gets me going.

    With my girlfriend, it is too late. She is so sweet and so innocent even if she tries to be bad it just doesn't work. Ok, she has tried. She's done a lot. It didn't work.

    Now, I am in my 30s and my body is not the same anymore. I am not as easily aroused as I was and it takes a bit more to get me going. Some girls do still arouse me though, but my girlfriend doesn't, ever. We have sex perhaps once or twice a month, and I usually have to force myself or pop a viagra or more to get aroused and do it. I would not need this kind of help with many other women though. I've had a few do their best to take me home and such and let's just say I was very very aroused, though I did not oblige.

    So basically this and this alone is really keeping me in a slatemate with my decisions. On the one hand I think she'd be a great wife(and she would marry me btw). On the other hand I am afraid I'll never be sexually stimulated and maybe cheat on her. Ok I pretty much know at some point I would if I never enjoyed the sex. I will always have opportunities thrown in my face and I would probably crumble eventually if I didn't enjoy my sex life at home.

    As a result of a lot of this I have been thinking of leaving her, but then I spend time with her and realize I want to be together with her, but then I realize that it wouldn't work if I wasn't attracted sexually.

    Any advice people?

    Thanks

    Last edited by yesnojoe; Sep 29, 2006 at 08:55 PM.
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    33 Answers
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 47,030, Reputation: 10286
    Senior Family & People Expert
     
    #2

    Sep 29, 2006, 09:48 PM


    That's the number 1 excuse that cheaters use to justify their actions, The wife doesn't take care of my needs. Recognize it for what it is, an excuse. If you think marriage is mostly about the sex then I advise you not to get married, as there are so many other things that go on in a committed relationship. A good sex life starts with good Communication. Plain and simple. The attraction you speak of is lust and it fades with time and requires only the physical. Love is so much deeper and it grows when nurtured by both people in the relationship. You like this girl but not enough communication has gone on where you both are satisfied so there may be many things lacking not just sexual attraction.
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    yesnojoe's Avatar
    yesnojoe Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #3

    Sep 29, 2006, 10:11 PM
    Funny, my mother who has been married for 30 years seems to think it is an important issue. I've had several relationships and this is the first one where I've had sexual attraction issues. My past relationships, including one that almost ended up in marriage, were all sexually "healthy".

    I don't think you read my post carefully. This is not about cheating. This is about a conflict I am having because I don't want to have sex with my girlfriend who I love very much.

    There is a problem when someone isn't attracted to their mate. That isn't normal. When my body tells me it wants to have sex I don't want to do it with her, but I don't cheat on her..

    I am asking for advice, not uninformed accusations.

    Where did I say marriage is mostly about sex? I never wrote that, and I don't believe that, otherwise I would have been married years ago.

    Please don't put words into my mouth either. I didn't write most of what you say and you are wrong about almost all of it.

    What I would like is some advice, not a scolding.
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    scheris's Avatar
    scheris Posts: 10, Reputation: 2
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    #4

    Sep 29, 2006, 11:04 PM
    When you met her, were you sexually attracted to her? I believe lust and love come hand in hand, in my opinion since before her you had enjoyed many women that were perceptively 'slutty' and you met this wonderful chaste girl that is the complete opposite of all the girls you used to date. Like when they say loose women are fun to date but not the type you marry...

    So brings me to the point, maybe you like the idea of this girl and marrying her because she, like you said would make the perfect wife etc. Which brings you to the decision of which matters to you more. I am not at all telling you to forsake your 'manly' needs and set that need aside. Like you mentioned she does make the effort to be naughty for you in the bedroom. It seems to me you need to make the effort for her and use the things you love about her and let that turn you on. Don't expect from her things other girls use to do for you, what makes it special between the two of you is the things that you do for each other, not comparing what you have to what other partners have done previously. If that makes sense...
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    yesnojoe's Avatar
    yesnojoe Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #5

    Sep 29, 2006, 11:17 PM
    Yes, it makes sense. Good advice. I've never been selfish in the bedroom, but as I've gotten older I've HAD to be selfish to perform, if that makes any sense..
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    YeloDasy's Avatar
    YeloDasy Posts: 363, Reputation: 81
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    #6

    Sep 30, 2006, 12:12 AM
    I guess I have never been in a relatioship where I loved someone and was not wanting to have sex with them. If someone were married, with kids, had a lot of stress, etc I can see this as normal... BUT...

    It seems like it is an issue with you... not how she is. If she tried to act naughty and "bad" but you still don't want it, then it may be all in your head. I am not saying that you have a problem, but maybe seeking professional help (such as sex therapist) for yourself or as a couple can help a lot... maybe help you see other ways to view sex and try new things, and if a couple, the therapist can help you learn about yourself and as a couple in ways that you have not yet... and it might help her as well if she is interested in going with you.

    I do agree with Tal that ommunication is key... not just how slutty you want someone to be, but much deeper and emotional... and wanting to have sex sometimes means pleasing your partner... but you sound like you just don't want sex... including giving her pleasure...

    Sounds like it is more than just sex... not sure what it is... or if you even know... so , after listening to me type this out, I still think ptofessional help with be a great benefit! I have worked with some sex therapists in my field and they have dione wonders!
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    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 47,030, Reputation: 10286
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    #7

    Sep 30, 2006, 03:46 AM


    Yesnojoe- You clearly misread my post as I was only pointing out that you need to investigate your own feelings and the importance of talking more in depth with your g/f to get to the root of the problem. From what you wrote the thing that turned you on was slutty acting females and even though your g/f has tried she falls short in this area. Clearly your expectation of her to be something she isn't is an indication of a problem you need to solve, as acceptance is a basic building block in any longterm relationship. I also think when you said you had to be selfish in bed to perform, in your next post shows that maybe your whole idea of sex with your g/f is strained at best and I think it could go back to the expectations you have of her to be more like your previous females. This can be dangerous in the long run when those expectations are not met. Selfihness will turn to frustration and then to anger. Not that you want to cheat or would but the pattern is there to justify it for many men and women. Sorry if I sounded as if I was accusing you or scolding you. I was not, just trying to present my veiw point. I've been married for more than 30 years and the sexual attraction is still hot but I know its more because of the mental and spiritual closeness than from the physical needs.Some times that attraction doesn't lead to intercourse but It does bring us closer. Maybe as YeloDasy says a professional is needed. And no no blue pills here. (high blood pressure). I hope I've helped and cleared the previous post up Good Luck.
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    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 47,030, Reputation: 10286
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    #8

    Sep 30, 2006, 05:31 AM


    You are not the first guy who wants a nice girl to take to mama and a slut in the bedroom.
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    s_cianci's Avatar
    s_cianci Posts: 5,473, Reputation: 759
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    #9

    Sep 30, 2006, 07:53 AM
    First of all, I'd like to know just how is it that you constantly get these "opportunities thrown in your face?" I don't think these opportunities just come out of nowhere, I think you create them. Certainly sex is an important part of any relationship but it's not the only part. Have you pinpointed exactly why you're not more attracted to this girl? Keep in mind that a relationship that's based purely on sex is a very fragile one and has no substance whatsoever. It sounds like your relationship with this girl is based on more than just sex and that's a good thing. I understand that a sexual attraction is important too and if this girl just doesn't "push your buttons" then you just may not be right for each other. At this point you need to weigh all your priorities and decide what is important to you and what you really want. You say that you know she'd make a good wife and that she'd marry you. To me those are very important traits and not ones to be brushed off lightly. I'm wondering if maybe you have some unhealthy or unnatural views about sex and that's may be what's causing your hangups. Maybe you should consider talking to a counselor who can help you uncover whatever issues you may have that seem to inhibit you sexually when you come into what seems to be a normal, healthy relationship with a decent, upstanding woman.
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    YeloDasy's Avatar
    YeloDasy Posts: 363, Reputation: 81
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    #10

    Sep 30, 2006, 07:56 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by talaniman
    You are not the first guy who wants a nice girl to take to mama and a slut in the bedroom.
    Haha... Great topic for another post!
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