Hello All,

For the past 2 years I have been in a long distance relationship with a lovely lady whom I adored. At times our relationship was really tough despite all the wonderful moments that we had had togther. (It was tough because obviously we didn't get to see each other as much as we would have liked and picking up where you left off takes time every time you meet).

Anyway, just before xmas when I was visiting her I received the "I need time and space" and "i'm confused" lines which to be honest I felt were coming because she had become somewhat distant. Like a gent I duly obliged and backed off even though she would not give me a reason for her request. Frequency of contact subsided but once in a while I received the odd "missing you" or "thinking of you" text which I acknowledged in the positve.

After xmas she called and said that she wanted to resume the relationship but in a more relaxed fashion taking things slowly. Again I duly obliged. There followed a period of renewed contact culminating in an agreement to meet. ( I do think that during this time I propably pushed things slightly too hard but not badly) A few days before we were due to meet she cancelled saying that she wasn't ready to meet me. Although disappointed I agreed once again.

Contact died over the next few weeks and then out of the blue (yes you guessed it) I receive a call from her and this time she was purring down the phone saying that she misses my voice and me etc. It was during this conversation that she asked me if I minded her calling. I told her that I did find it tough because it felt like she was using me whenever she got insecure. It also seemed that every time I showed a little interest in her she would back off again.

Eventually after a week of "I miss you but i hope you have a great life" messages from her I eventually sent an email asking her not to contact me again as it was really effecting me emotionally. I said that I was either in the relationship or out, there can be no in-between now. Several days later after no dialogue she sent a reply saying that she accepted my request. That was a week ago now.

Anyway, since then I have been reading up on relationship advice to help me better understand what went wrong. Firstly I lost my job and i'm still out of work, secondly her ex found a new girlfriend and lastly I unitentionally became a wuss. Yes I miss her very much and yes I want her back but I'm not a begging sort of bloke. I'd rather she came back to me because she genuinely wanted to give things a go. I also know now that if she comes back I need to be much more of a challenge to her. I appreciate it is difficult to judge the situation based on a few words but can someone assure me that my "don't call me anymore" email was the right thing to do. And if so why? Many thx.

_Ash_

i hvnt heard abt doc love .. but i hv read most of them too ! some of them were so damn boring but i think david deangelo and ross jefferies books were good ... there was one more .. i forgot the name of it ... it was for boosting self confidence ... tht one brought the real change in me ! it was somethin like say this and tht any idea which one is it ?

Wildcat21

Yeah - it's like a light turns on! It's so easy to do.

The key is (sorry ladies) - NEVER put a woman a head of you. NEVER - don't do it.

Squonk

Guy's. A few weeks into this now and I'm finding things tough. I guess the hardest thing is not knowing how she is and just basically missing her. Any words of wisdom out there that can help me through this? By the way I haven't called her and don't intend to, I just need help focussing...

CroCivic91

Whoah! He's alive!

Really now...you're doing a good job...it gets kinda tough, but the result of being patient can only be good. You're just learning to live without her. It's tough, just as it's tough to, all of a sudden, work on things you've never done in your life. Just imagine someone picking you up on the street saying: "Yo dude, gotta come work with us on some rocket science project" with a gun pointed to your head It would be tough, you wouldn't know what is what - but you would keep trying.

Just do the same here...acknowledge it's hard, but just keep doing it!

Wildcat21

Squonk - what happened when you met that one weekend?

The key is to keep busy - I went to the gym for 2 hours every day and work real hard when I went throug hsomething liek this. Spent a lot of my time with my friends - also drank a lot (which I don't necessarily recommend). Also went on some dates - that helps a lot. I did get her back and it was great for a while.

You might want to call after 3 weeks or a month.

I assume she plans to marry?

Squonk

Nice comment CroCivic91. I guess I need to grin and bare it, you are right, thx. You know, the worst thing is that I keep thinking back to my last signing off email which basically said thx for agreeing to not contact me etc. I went on to say that i felt used (because she had stated that she was not so good at relationships so early after previous relationships), which in hindsight was not a fair thing to say and I also said that all I ever wanted was to be together with her. I feel such a prat for saying this now. That is way too much pressure for her even after two years of dating. Looking back I can see that she was confused and the last thing she needed was heavy crap like that from me.

Hi Wildcat 21, the last weekend we met was before xmas. I knew she was reluctant to meet and the first 3 hours were bad. She hardly said a word until I said that we needed to sort things out. I asked what she wanted to do and she said she needed time and space. I said no problem. Once we had cleared the air she switched back to the girl I knew and loved - caring, relaxed, friendly, loving etc. The rest of the weekend was really nice. She said maybe we could meet for New Year but backed out of that a few weeks later. Then after New Year it was into the occasional "I miss you, I care for you, I wanted to hear your voice" calls. If I responded in the positive she backed off again.. weird stuff. I don't think making contact with her is my call any more. I mean she has agreed to let me go so I guess I should go. She definitely wants to marry but I think she is confused and scared about commitment. Reading between the lines I think there were aspects of me that she liked and aspects of her ex that she liked and she ended up beating herself up trying to figure out what to do. I gave her the "get out of jail free" card I think! Don't worry guy's I won't call...

Wildcat21

I think it was just the way you approached this woman. You were just plain too available to her - big turnoff - you need other things in your life. you can't surrender to one woman - even when you are married you need to little bit of mystery and doubt going.

You can't be a 'nice guy'.

You have to be carefull what you say - less is more!!! Always with woman - less communicatin, less words, less time spent together.

Never contact a woman every day - never - unless you live with them - make them contact you.

" and I also said that all I ever wanted was to be together with her." Learn from - never say that again until your wedding DAY!

Wildcat21

Hey Dude - Also - those akward moments need to be wiped out by humor. You needed to make her laugh - She HAS to equate you to FUN! FUN! FUN! and only fun. You should have grabed her hand and taken her somewhere - where ever you were was not the right seetting either.

And if there is a problem - you needed to talk about - ask what was wrong - I am sure something was bothering her - woman WONT come out and say what's wrong - you need to ask open-ended questions. Probe her out and get done to the bottom of what is bothering her - just letting her talk would have helped out a ton - as you LISTENED!!!! DON'T EVER try to solve her problems UNLESS she specifically asks.

Squonk

It has been 5 months since I last saw her and 5 weeks since I last spoke to her directly. A week ago I sent her a letter.

I'm sorry guy's this may seem like a weak thing to do but I just wanted to set things straight regarding some stuff that I said in my last email to her 5 weeks previously when we finally agreed to split. Basically in that email I accused her of using me and came on a bit heavy. That response has been weighing heavily on my mind and as I have got stronger I felt ashamed of the comments, so the letter was an apology for those comments. I felt so much better because I was looking after my own needs.

Anyway, she sent me a text saying thx and that she sort of expected something would come from me. I replied saying no worries. I didn't ask how she was or anything like that at all. It was just a pleasant short text. Two days later (and I wasn't expecting this) another text arrived saying that she was thinking about me and my letter that I was on her mind and that she would write back soon. I didn't respond.

So folks is this entering a new phase? How do I proceed. Personally I feel much stronger and more confident. I miss her but know I can live without her. I can naturally be myself now ie cool, strong and pleasant but aloof. I still think she needs to take time out to recover from her ex which is something that she has not done properly. Who knows she could be back with him. Of course it could be that she is sensing that she has lost control and is trying to re-establish her power. I need to be careful. If there is any chance for us in the future it has to be based on unconditional love when we are both ready, I have too many friends already!

Squonk

Wildcat I need some advice! (or anyone else)

I received a load of texts from her last week saying that she misses me and thinks of me and asked if we would ever see each other again etc. It culminated in us talking by telephone for the first time in weeks. During this conversation she started to tell me why things happened the way they did. It seems that she needed to give herself time to get over her ex and that also there were pressures in our relationship that she could not cope with. ie me moving there etc. The therapy thing is still going on but it does sound at though she really has been very low ie depression. Anyway she said that she wanted to see me and we agreed two weeks time. She didn't want to hang up but eventually we did. During the conversation she asked if I was seeing anyone and whether I had dated anyone. I said that I had but it hadn't been serious. She really did sound very mixed up with her thoughts and I just tried to be calm and friendly and understanding.

We spoke the next day briefly and then I backed off because in the back of my mind I felt that this could be just another mood swing. Sure enough, after three days of no real contact I called her sensing that there was another shift in her thoughts. She told me she was scared of meeting in case things didn't work out well. I said I understand and I expect nothing. She said that I was the only one that she wanted to meet but wanted to feel totally right before meeting. I'm cool with this. I haven't spoken to her for two days now but i'm wondering if I should wait for her to contact me or try and encourage her and gently show her that we are starting over and that i need it slow too. etc. Any advice