Hi,
If you have not already read my other posts i will update:
My live-in bf of 5 years decided that he wanted space, he moved out of our home and rented an apartment a couple of miles away. we've never done the nc thing, as talking to him is a big part of my life that i did not want to lose. we have even been seeing each other and going out on dates and stuff and we've even spent a couple of nights at each other houses. it seems like the move was actually the best thing for us although we are still not officially "back together"

My problem is right after his announcement of "wanting a break" i got a bit upset and decided to try to move on since he obviously didn't want the same things out of a relationship that i did. in my mind the only reason he wanted to move out was to be unfaithful ( he's done that to me before - be unfaithful, and have also admitted in the past that, that would be the only reason he wanted his own place) so i went out, scored a couple of numbers and have been having great conversation and even a dates with this totally amazing guy we'll call him B.

B and i have been talking lately about being together, but i have been very reluctant since i don't want to break his heart. i know that i am still in love with my ex and i know that this is nothing more than a rebound relationship and i don't want that. i would never want to cause pain to anyone. It's hurting B because he says that he wants to be my knight in shining armor, he wants to make me forget about my ex and heal my broken heart.

in a way i felt like i was leading him on so i stopped calling, stop anwering and stopped seeing him. B now tells me that he won't give up on me, he knows that i care ( which i do ) and that he will wait on me. I DON'T WANT HIM TO! I really like this guy, he's so unlike anyone i have ever met before but i'm still holding on to hope that my ex and i will get back together. I feel like i'm being selfish. i don't want to let go of my ex, but i don't want to let go of B either. he makes me feel good, and when something is on my mind he is always there. ( for the record B and i have never been intimate)

Last night B told me that he is in love with me, i got really quiet and just hung up the phone b/c i didn't know how to respond (immature i know). he called back and i did not answer. he left me vm saying that he knows that i was not ready for that but he just wanted to let me know how he feels. i do have feelings for him but it can't possibly be love. i've tried to let him down but he wasn't having it. even though deep down i was so glad that he didn't give up. i am so confused. what am i suppose to do now?

chuff

I think you need a break from both guys because guy B shouldn't be in love with someone who can't feel the same way. Guy B also seems to be pushing for something or perhaps he is threatened by guy A but either way it's not a safe emotional spot for him or you for that matter.

MsTasty

i know i feel the same way. it's an emotional rollercoaster that i do not want to be apart of. but it seems like everytime i try to break it of with B he pushes even harder and it feels like i'm left with no choice but to give in or feel like an evil witch for breaking someones heart or hurting his feelings. i've tried to remain just friends but he alwasy pushes for more.

talaniman

Your stuck! Can't go back, or move forward. Leave them both alone, and give yourself time to figure it out. You have no clue what you want or how to get it. Time to find out for yourself and no one else.

MsTasty

YES, the reality is sinking in that i am a confused soul. i don't know which way to go. after reading your post Tal i called B and explained that i needed time to think and it's best not to contact me until i get myself together.....wanna know what his reply was. "take all the time you need sweetheart, i am not going anywhere, i will make you mine"... kinda scary but i guess i get what he was saying. he's really in love.

also called my ex....had to leave a vm (go figure) asking that he call me back to talk about what's going on w/us.....he called back and guess what the first thing was that came out of his mouth....... " u want some D*ck don't you" and i'm like whhaaat...hold up buddy that is not what the call was about. (he can be so immature at times)

anyway he's on his way over.....we are going to talk and i have to let him know about B, (he is clueless to the relationship that we share) and also let him know that i agree on the space thing. let's see what happens.

note to self: you will TALK....and TALK only
i repeat nothing more will happen besides a conversation

ok i think i'm good......i'll let you guys know what the outcome of the evening is.....thanks for the advice.

MsTasty

well my ex came over last night and talked, he said some things to me that i've been wanting to hear for soooo long, but somehow i didn't feel what i thought i should feel. he was saying things like " we have been thru alot and i feel that it has brought us closer than ever, and no matter what happens with us i will always love you. i would rather be mad with you than happy with someone else"....and things of that nature

i know i love this man dearly but it's extremely hard for me to trust him. i don't want to feel like i've wasted 5 years of my life for nothing, i really want a future with him, but i just feel so indifferent now. he has caused me alot of pain yet i can't move on even when someone as fantastic as B comes along.

everyone tells me to stop seeing B and to just leave him alone but in my mind i always ask myself what if i never meet another guy like this?? then i have to be stuck with dogs like my ex and i don't want to go thru that again.

i'm not an emotionally strong person, this i know and the confusion is driving me insane. in a way i want to be alone and in a way i don't. how does a person get over a fear of being alone?? how can i gain my independence back?

talaniman

Face your fear of being alone, and as you discover who you are, learn to love yourself, you will find what makes you happy, and eventually someone to share it with. I believe your instinct are telling you, your ex is not the one for you, and I hope you heed that warning. For now just be happy with being independent, and do for yourself and go slow, there is no pressure from anyone, and if there is leave them alone, and do what you want. Good Luck and love yourself.

chuff

I just don't get a good vibe about Guy B. He seems to be a little pushy or almost have some stalker tendencies. Not full blown or anything but he seems so persistent but doesn't understand the boundaries you keep giving him. He also seems to hear what your telling him but doesn't listen to it, if you know what I mean. I'm not doubting he likes you but I kind of question if he respects you, even if that disrespect is unitentional.

I guess if I started dating someone coming out of a 5 year relationship I'd be taking it slower then she would because I would assume I am the rebound and he for some reason is full steam ahead, even after you tell him to slow down and he agrees. It just comes off as strange if you know what I mean, raising a few red flags.

Jiser

Ideally you need to have space from both. You need to learn to live independently for a while without pressure from either parties. This as said above is time to learn about yourself and what you want from life as the situation your in now is clearly not healthy.

Having said that it doesn't mean you have to completely emotionally detach from your the two men in your life and there may be chances in the future but in the mean you must work on yourself away from these people without contact!!! Any contact you do have will add to confusion.

MsTasty

I know i'm beginning to get a wierd vibe from him, today he called me 5 times back to back and as i was leaving work on my lunch break i noticed his car was parked behind mine, i got totally upset and questioned why he won't give me the space that i am asking for and he tells me that he's insecure about the space and nc thing and asked if we could talk about it over lunch. i told him no, that i wanted to eat alone and have some time to myself. after much persistence i finally got him to move his car and left for my favorive cafe.....HE FOLLOWED ME... he states that he was just making sure i got there safely and he wanted to see the kind of places that i like to go........

i'm getting kind of scared now, he is surely not the GREAT guy i began this thread about. he doesn't listen to anything that i say about space, his excuse is that he feels like he's met his soulmate and he doesn't want to let me go. i told him today that what he's doing and what he's saying is making me uncomfortable and pushing me farther away....we've only been dating for 1 1/2 months...how can he be so in love??? it doesn't make sense.

he promised to stop calling and let me get my head together, but 15 minutes later he was calling again to make sure i made it back to work safely! i didn't answer he left me a vm. he hasn't called since then and that was a whopping 5 hours ago. (new record for him)

my best friend thinks i'm being paranoid, but i don't like the way he keeps insisting on disregarding my requests. i know she's just saying that b/c she wants me as far away from my ex as possible and her favorite saying is " the only way to get over an old bf is to get up under a new one" i don't see it that way at all and i don't feel like i'm being paranoid either. my gut is telling me something and i will not ignore it......i will be keeping my eye on him.