Hello,

I have been apart from my man since 14th November. Here is what happened:

When we met on 14th May, 2005 things took off. We were both so much in love with each other even after I had to go through a painful divorce and losing my unborn baby. I met him and instantly we were in love. He fell in love with me harder than I did for him. During last september, I brought the conversation into marriage since I am 35 years old and would like to settle down with kids and all, he said he needed some time to think about it. When he came back after 5 days and no connections until then, he told me that he would definately consider marrying me eventhough he does not believe in marriages. His father, his best friend, his cousin are all cheaters and do not have a happy married life. Things were fine after he said that but towards the end he started acting cold, hence I did. When I wrote him a letter asking what was wrong and hope that all would be fine since I loved him a lot and cared so much for him. His answer was clear:
I am stressed out about this marriage stuff. I do not want responsiblity so I am taking off. I had nothing to say but goodbye even though I died inside. He said if there is unhappiness, one should not mix reality to feelings. He instantly sent my stuff that was at his home back to me. Last week I found out he had been seeing his girl since 3 or 4 weeks. They say he is not into her all that much and all. I am thinking maybe he liked this other girl and left me for her, or he awent straight into a relationship maybe to forget me?? I do not know. There is 1 thing I know. I miss him a lot. We are on line all the time but not say anything to each other. I love him still. I am also seeing a psyciatrisit almost 3 times a week. nights and weekend are hard. Cant sleep cant eat but I am working on it.

Any strategies on how to get him back?

Thank you

roogirl

Hi Singy

I'm really sorry to say that you might have a tough time getting him back because he's made up his mind, fair and square. Not only did he make his intentions clear, he followed through with them as well.

As far as the other girl is concerned, it could well be a rebound relationship or it could be the reason he left you, if you want to be certain you really need to get it straight from the horse's mouth and ask him. From what I can tell he seems to be very upfront and honest (to his credit).

I think it's best you let go. I know it's hard to get through this period where you miss him terribly, and it's good that you are seeking counselling as well. But time is the best healer and dont forget this horrible period of not eating/sleeping is only temporary. It will get better, promise!

talaniman

You must accept that this is over and start to move on with your life.

s_cianci

It doesn't sound like he's coming back. He's made it clear that he's not interested in anything permanent. You and he seem to have different goals and aspirations so it's hard to see why you would even want him back. He's not going to make you happy and he's not going to give you what you want. I'd forget about him, be done and move on. That's the best thing you can do for yourself now.

Geoffersonairplane

He sounds afraid of commitment. You both want different things. You want to settle down and there is nothing wrong with that. He is afraid of this and is probably not ready.

Here is the clue.



Possibly a rebound on his part, but he is not ready for what you want. Marriage is not on his agenda it seems.


Of course you miss him, that is understandable. You must now though try to pull away as best you can. Stay out of contact with him and keep yourself busy. I would say that this relationship is over and he will not be coming back, most likely. I am sorry if that hurts and I fully understand that it is hard to let go but you must try for your own sake. You will find what you want but evidently, he did not want the same things as you did and you must try your best to accept this. The right person will come along who will want the same as you and will also appreciate you for who you are. Maybe he did too but was just not ready for the same things as you.



Lastly, please forget strategies. They rarely work. Some people on this website play the No Contact game to try and win the ex's back by trying to make them miss them. I admit that for a month, I believed in this but it really was not the way to go in terms of healing. No contact is for you to work on yourself, become a better person, stronger and basically to grieve and heal. No contact may make him miss you (MAY) but it is not going to bring him back.

Games are for children and in a way, a strategy in terms of what we are talking about here is a kind of mind game. You are not a child, far from it. You are a person whom is feeling the blow of a huge emotional loss. You will get through this, I promise you. You have the strength and will see the light at the end of the tunnel.

My warmest wishes that the new year is much brighter and clearer for you!!

Singy

Hello Geoffersonairplane,

Thank you for your reply. It's been a while and here is what happened. What do you think this means :

I went away to Italy for 10 days and while I was there he called to wish me a happy birthday and new year. We talked really casually, I just said it was nice to hear from him and that he should take care of himself. His friends also called me to wish me a happy birthday too. Anyway when I got back to work yesterday, he said hello on msn messenger and we talked casually about my trip, about his boat, his cousin etc. again very casually. and for about an hour. Eventually I said to him that I should get back to work eventhough it was nice to chat and that I missed it, he said take care of myself and that we should talk again time to time soon.
What do you think this means?

Thank you again for your replies...

talaniman

Sounds like he is trying to tap back into you ........slowly Friendship? Love probably but he is going slow. Maybe thats the way to go slowly.

ordinaryguy

To quote Elmer Fudd, I'd be vewy vewy wawy. He's already jerked you around once. It's pretty unlikely that he's matured as much as he needed to in the few weeks that have passed. I'm afraid he's just playing you again, but if you must go along, go vewy vewy SLOWLY!

rol

yes go slowly....

keep the converation away from "us" everytime ,exactly as you have been doing. Let him bring it up. He left you , if he wants you back he needs to try and reconnect with you and not the other way round! The contact is a good sign(albeit a causiouly good sign)

<Eventually I said to him that I should get back to work eventhough it was nice to chat and that I missed it, he said take care of myself and that we should talk again time to time soon.
>
wonderful, end the conversation first every time.

Do not contact him, when he messages do not tell him ur every move, let him wonder , and be a mystery.

heres my thread which had wonderful advice, which perhaps maybe useful to you also.

http://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relatio...?highlight=rol

Singy

Hello all,

Since the last time, here is what happened. I switched off my msn. Like right now he is online but I am not. I am off to Newyork this Friday and not coming back for another 10 days. I am planning to go back on line in 2 weeks. I am planning - only planning - to enjoy myself with firends. I am still going to my pshycaistrist and getting professional help. I started taking motorcycle courses at the weekends. Not going out at night coz that makes me feel depressed ( you know how you love someone and nightclubbing is tiring especially at my age where everyone seems to be an a..hole -

I do miss him terribly and still love him eventhough I hear he is still with his girlfriend. I wil keep you posted on whats going on and keep up with your brilliant comments advices and friendship

Thank you again. Well see what happens when I come back.