Hello, I've never posted here before, but I need to help from somewhere. I have known my best friend, Misty, since the 5th grade. We started going out in high school, and became closer than ever. We know each other better than our own families. After dating for almost two years, she decided to break up. I didn't like it, but she said that before our relationship went any further, she needed to see other people. It was our first relationship for both of us, and she said she wanted to make sure that what we had was the real thing, or she would be wondering for the rest of her life. She said that she was afraid if we stayed together, the curiosity would drive her to cheating down the road. The plan was to get back together after we tested the waters a little with other people. We wanted to get married some day. We stayed best friends, and it was only a week before we wound up kissing in her driveway again. We couldn't resist. From then on we were together behind closed doors, but just best friends in the public eye. We knew it would have to end when one of us found someone else. Now we are in college (I came to Montana, she stayed in the area) and we still love each other. Shortly after college started, she started dating another man. I was devastated, but the relationship only lasted three weeks. She said she couldn't help but compare him to me, and that I blew him out of the water, but she still says she's not ready to get back together yet. I don't know what to do with myself. I miss her so much it hurts. It has thrown me into a depression that is affecting my schoolwork and my friendships. To make it worse, I went home last weekend to visit, and we ended up sleeping together. We didn't plan on resuming any kind of secret relationship again, but it happened anyways. That will only make it hurt more because she is still not ready to start dating me again. I would just let go and see others, but we still love each other and talk about marriage. This is driving me insane. Please, any help you can give me would be appreciated.

wizzkid89

First I want to say that I understand her point of view of trying to the test the waters. I think both of you need to test the waters a bit, and especially you. You need to just go out and have fun and try and keep your mind off of this subject. It would really help if you just tried to go out and meet different women. You don't have to do anything, just socialize. One you won't feel like you are getting left behind in the relationship, and two it might open your eyes on how she is feeling. In the end though, it is going to come down to this. She needs to make a choice, you obviously want to be in a relationship and she doesn't. Now I know you love her, and I wouldn't see a problem in you giving her more time, and waiting for her if you love her that much. However, I would advise you just come out and tell her how you are feeling. Just explain that the seperation is killing you and you want to be together. But before you do anything, I think you need to go out and socialize. You need to go to parties and just take it easy. It should help clear your mind and give you a new perspective. And if you end up feeling the same way, which is fine, however you then need to make a deciscion. Do you agree to give her more time or do you make an ultamatium and say it's now or never? This is a very important one to make, and it will drastically change the course of the relationship, but it will stop this helplessness that you feel, and you won't feel so depressed. I can't make the choice for you, but honestly it comes down to that. Either you give her more time or you can't stand being without her and make her make a choice. Good luck and reply if you need more help.

Knowledgefinder

It's good that you're being patient and allowing her to sort through her feelings, but I see a problem here. She is twisting you all up inside by not only seeing other people, but seeing you intimately at the same time.

If she wants to be with you, then she needs to stay with you. Right now she is probably making you feel like a yo-yo. Perhaps she may not be doing this on purpose, but it's making the hurt much worse for you because of it.

You have to take some control here and let her know what this is doing to you. If you want to respect the fact that she wants to test the waters, fine. Let her know that, but don't allow her to be with you at the same time.

Why? Because she'll get used to this pattern and she will more than likely fall into the habit of wanting her cake and eating it too, if you know what I mean. In her mind, you'll be her partner in crime for this because in a sense, you'll be allowing her to have that cake and eat it too.

You need to be able to draw a line here for yourself, regardless if she doesn't want you setting the scene up. It seems like she's been setting the scene and the pace for both of you for some time now. You need to set your own pace and scene now. She can't keep doing this to you so you've got to step in and set some blocks up. She either wants to be with you or she doesn't. She needs to make up her mind simply for the fact that you know what you want already, and it's her.

You don't have to hit the highway and tell her your leaving, but you need to at least cut the relationship to nothing more than friends if she can't figure out what she wants from you. She can't be allowing you to take two steps forward and then make you go two steps back all the time like this.

If she wants to test the waters, let her if you're fine with it, but she needs to keep her hands off of you if she is going to do that simply for the fact that you know what you want and it is her. If you were not attached to her completely, then allowing her to do the yo-yo affect on you would be no problem. But you love this girl, so it's a problem. Tell her to stop messing with your emotions and that you'll be ready and waiting for her if she decides that she wants to be with you and only you. Otherwise, don't give into her responses toward you unless it is to react to her as a friend, and only a friend.

talaniman

What would be her incentive to dating you when you are already there. She has the best of both worlds in that she can see who she wants and when and if there is no one else she still has you. She knows how you feel and I suspect she knows exactly what she is doing to you. This is not respect nor is it a healthy relationship. Trust me she has moved on and has you as plan 2. Sooner or later you will have to realise that you need to move on and get over her and have a life of your own without her. If you will be together in the future ,who can say but you will surely hate yourself when she finds someone else, and gives you the DEAR JOHN routine. Take back control of your own life. If she loved you as you loved her you would be together and not friends with benefits.

chuff

To her that means something was missing from this relationship.


So by her logic it’s okay to break up with you and “cheat” with you full knowledge and support. That let’s her off the hook completely while making her out to be “the good guy.”


That was your plan. That was not her plan. She may have told you that was her plan too to either string you along or continue using you as a back up plan.


You wanted to get married some day.


You stayed best friends. She moved on. You were at the right place at the right time for the kiss.


You couldn’t resist. You are also now making excuses for her.


She moved you from boyfriend to “the other guy.” That’s a huge backwards step. She’s stringing you along and doesn’t come off looking like a slut for doing it because you’ve agreed to the secrecy. This is strange to me because it almost sounds like she’s cheating on you….with you. Very strange behavior. You’re a back up plan.





The fact that you somehow agreed to that is not helping you. You’re only being strung along which is building her confidence and killing yours. This happened because of you inexperience with dealing with the break up but you’ve got to let go all ties. Now and in the future with any other break ups.


You still love her.


I bet she’s dated several guys. She just told about this one. By telling you that you blew him out of the water she is string you along. She’s toying with you. She doesn’t respect you to be doing this to you.


I hate to say this but she’s not coming back. She’s already gone.


I know what your going through. I don’t know if you can take the semester off but if you can do it. I wouldn’t normally recommend that but this being your first break up you’ve never felt these feelings. They are all new to you. I’m here to tell that you will get over it and you get better. That being said the first thing you’ve got to do is quit and I mean QUIT talking to this woman. Period. No excuses. Second, I recommend that you get a gym membership or find something physical to do. Set some short term goals that you can concentrate on and work towards them.


Please quit doing this. She’s using you. She’s getting the best of both worlds. Sex and no commitment. It costs her nothing emotionally while it costs you everything. Actually it’s putting you in emotional debt.


She is never going to be ready. It’s over.


You still love her. Quit saying and telling yourself this is all “we.” It’s you. I can’t imagine how you can talk about marriage with the same woman who also tells you she’s going to hook up with other guys. How is that even remotely healthy? I know your going to be tempted to ignore this but believe me if you ever want this woman in your life you’ve got to stop talking to her. You’ve certainly got to stop sleeping with her. Your going to be tempted to ignore this because of you age and inexperience but trust me. I can tell you, you’re going to get good, positive and consistent advice on this board. Think about that before you follow your emotions. Follow the advice here and begin healing your heart, you mind, your soul, and start living life for YOU, not for we and never for her.

rocker1400

Thank you for all the responses. You have helped me to think about what is going on. I find it so hard to believe that she might be telling me that she loves me just to keep me as a backup. That's not like her at all. But maybe she is fooling herself as well as me. As for breaking off contact with her, that's not really possible. She is my best friend, and I don't have too many to begin with. Even if I did, we hang out in the same crowd, so we would always be near each other (I'm transferring back to the same college for the spring semester. Not just for her, but because that is where all my friends are and I'm not happy here). In fact, some of my friends are coming this weekend to visit, including Misty. I think that will be the time to tell her that if she wants me, then she will have to be with me in a relationship. Otherwise we will just have to be friends. That will really hurt, but I don't see what else there is to do. I'm already heartbroken and depressed as it is. If she answers that we will just have to be friends, I don't know what I will do. I don't have any friends here in Montana, and whenever either me or Misty had a problem, we would always go to each other. Now I don't know who to talk to. I scheduled a counseling appointment for next week, hopefully that will give me some help. I have nine weeks till I transfer, I just have to find a way to keep my mind occupied till then. Thanks again.

chuff

Are you F-ing kidding me? That’s not like her? Your right. It’s not LIKE her. It IS her. She’s using you. You are making excuses for her. She’s dumped you, She’s seeing other people, she’s sleeping with you, she’s gotten you to agree to lie about and your going to tell me that’s not like her to use somebody? Your flat out wrong. The worst part is I told you in my last post you were going to be tempted to ignore this. If your going to get better it starts now and starts with you.


The only person fooling themselves is you. She’ in complete control of her life and yours. She is not the person you’ve made her out to be in your mind.


Yes it is. To say anything else is an excuse.


That’s your best friend? Your best friend lies to you and tells you to lie about the kind of person you are, and you do, and that’s your best friend? I’ve got news for you, your best friend is a horrible human being. Your best friend does not share the same feelings of friendship back to you that you share for her.


Hang out with new people. Tell your friends that you’ve known this girl for all these years and you’ve lost yourself and now your on a journey to find yourself so you can’t be around her. Your actual friends will understand. If anybody else laughs at you for it then I guess there not your friends either.


Oh brother.


She has already expressed this to you. She told you this when she broke up with you. She doesn’t want you. But if you want to feel even worse about yourself, you just follow through with this plan.


Some friend. I wouldn’t want her as my friend and I don’t even know her.


Really? Read my first post. Tal told you what to do. Rocker told you what to do. Knowledge told you what to do. I told you what to do. Find the consistencies and follow them. Others will offer ideas. Follow what is consistent.

Again, I told you, you were going to ignore this. I’ll give you credit though. You came back to the answers. Some people don’t. You did. Your at least searching because you know what you doing isn’t working. I’m telling you start following the advice here. We are all older, wiser, experienced, and most of all we have been in your spot.


Her answer is that you will be friends. She’s actually already told you this several times.
I don’t think you’ve been listening.


Give yourself a break. You just moved there. You’ll make friends. There have to be clubs or organizations you can join. I’m telling you also to start working out. It relieves stress.


Talk to us. I bet you’ll get better advice here then from Misty.


Good. I bet your counselor has heard this story before so hopefully he or she has some good advice.

Gillion

Think of it this way. She knows your "husband material" and so she is being pragmatic to not "burn her hut" while she goes out into the world to experiement with Tom, Jim and Harry.


You are in denial and also confused.

Wake up.

[SIZE="4"]You do not know her, [/SIZE]

If you did you would not be here asking us questions.


Not one bit.

She bloody knows what she is doing.

She just does not want to feel like a slut/whore/bad guy.

So she does everything mentally and physically possible to make sure she never gets the blame and YOU help her to do that.

In other words she feels somewhat guilty and does not want to deal with that so she adapts and makes sure that you help her to not "feel so bad"



You are confused by mixed signals of course you would be fooled.


[SIZE="7"]LIES[/SIZE]

You are lying to yourself.

The emotions you feel are the same that a batterd wife feels when she stays in a marriage with her jobless, whiskey drinking, woman beating husband.



EXACTLY.

That is why you take crap, because you do not have backup friends.

YOU ARE SOOOO EMOTIOANLY POOR you are affraid to loose old friends.

You are here now because you are alone without other sensible voices contributing to your well being.

That is why your user-girl can afford to be the way she is.

You are her backup and you are isolated.

One of the tricks to seduction is, FYI, to isolate or choose isolated victims.


RUBISH !!.

Be a MAN !

Certain "primitive" tribes force a young man out of the village into the "wilderness" with his bare hands to survive for months on his own before he is allowed to come back home. When he does he is seen as a man. If he doesn't he is dead because some animal would have probably killed and ate him.

You have to be able to deal with isolation on your own and find ways to survive in the wilderness outside of your comfort zone.

Just because we live in modern houses made of concrete does not mean our primal survival skills are somehow negated.

Wake up my friend ... We are still in the jungles, this one is made of concrete.

Same rules, different hazzards.

Wildcat21

Dude - lots of grea tanswers here.

See - you're her doormat. Grow up - leave her alone. Do not talk wit hher.

She can't have you - be the prize - not the doormat.

She is WALKING ALL OVER YOU. Get a life - be busy wit hschool!!

Skell

This girl is using you and walking all over you man and the sooner you realise it and stop it form happening to better.
stop making excuses for her.

She isnt what you think she is.

Time to move on. It will be hard but we can help you through it.