Mind says this, Heart says that

First I'd like to say I'm new to the site, and so I read the "what to expect when you get dumped" post. Very true, and I definitely understand. And I'm sorry this is so long... Ended up venting some.

Now I'm a 23 year old guy, met my ex when I was a freshmen in HS. We met on AOL and chatted for 4 years before meeting. We met, fell in love and stayed together for 4 years and 8 months. It was a bumpy road, but it never mattered to me how bad it got because I loved her.

During our relationship I was not allowed to go out with friends, or have friends who were girls, was'nt alowed to watch movies with nudity or that show a lot of female skin. Yeah she was insecure, easily jealous etc. I never cheated, nor wanted to, loyalty is important to me. I may have lied about things here and there (mainly about watching movies that had nudity lol) But eventually just stopped lying all together.

She would complain we never go out, but then if I'd offer to take her out she would say no because "there are other girls there I might check out" or "that movie has nudity or close to it" or we just didn't have the money because she job hopped for a few months and I had to break myself and borrow from parents to pay bills. All I could really do was watch law and order and play video games. Which she complained I played to much.

And she was a big stickler on being honest, fes up when you make mistakes or do something etc. Always worried I would find someone else prettier or whatever. Or cheat on her.

Well I'm sure by now you could guess what happened. This last October she wanted to go downtown to dinner for a b-day for a girlfriend from work. I'm like sure have a good time (I worked overnights at a hospital I couldn't go) well she texts me later askin if she could go bowling with her sis, I'm like sure. Well I happened to get off early, so I head to the bowling alley to surprise her. Not there. Next day I don't confront her, I hint at it and want to see if she would be honest. She wasn't. So I go online and I look up the clubs where I live.... And then look at the picture section for that particular day she was downtown. Low and behold she had a pic taken and didn't realize it.

So I did prob the worst and best thing, broke up with her the next day when she still wouldn't be honest. (oh and also saw she had been texting, and calling a new number on the cell bill) Well I come to find out through many sources, that she was cheating on me with a guy from work, went out with him that night, a day after we broke up she moved in with him, locked my mom on a 2nd story balcony while we were moving my stuff out, called cops on each other, flirted with cops with me right there. Lol. Wow. I take a second to look at all she has done and I'm like wow. All one week before my birthday, and 2 months before I was going to propose (on xmas eve). She has been living with him since.

I made a myspace, wrote in a notebook till I filled it, blogged a few times a day. My cousin moved in with me at my new apartment and I started partying and drinking (which I wasn't alowed to do either. And things were bad but not that bad. Then she made a myspace *groan* which sucked. I checked it every day for a week before I made myself not check it (was 2 months before I relapsed and checked it today) shouldn't have.

It has been 3 months yesterday since all this happened. And my mind says all that ^ but my heart loves her so much. She is the first thing I think of in the morning, last before bed, and always in my dreams (although my dreams never have us back together which is good... ) Everything in the city I live in reminds me of her. We did so much together. I hate watching tv and quit playing video games for 3 months before I finally picked up a control again. I started working out because I thought I was to skinny or whatever. Now I just work out when thinking of her gets bad (everyday) My heart hopes she will come back, or realize the mistakes she has made. My heart breaks seeing her holding someone new and being happy (her myspace)

And all the while my mind is saying, it's over, she isn't coming back, you need to remember the bad not the good so much. I know I'm not ready to date again, the few girls I've talked to just doesn't feel right (so we just friends) I know time will make things easier, lol I've given most the same advice I might get. I am smart and wise enough to know it isn't the end of my life. I know I may potentially meet someone new who makes me happy. And that I will stop feeling so hurt.

But then again, I have those feelings, where I know my life isn't over, but the lifewith her is. And that's what mattered to me. I wanted to marry her. Good and bad. And she dropped me after so much like I was nothing.

So I read things like "what to do when you get dumped" and "what to expect" etc, I blog a lot on myspace, and now I'm on here asking, what, I don't know. It feels good talking, and writing, and I didn't know what I was going to write, but looks to me as all the reasons why it might have been a good thing.

But I miss her everyday. And I really do not know what to do. Because everything makes me think of her, or makes me sad. And I know I'm not the first or last to feel this way, but I just can't listen to my own advice I guess.