Hi, brief detail about how it started. I broke up from an abusive relationship of eight years and the person that assisted me in moving, is the man that I'm currently involved with. We kept in touch innocently, talked as friends, then we just hit it off together falling deeply in love with each other. He caring for me and me feeling cared for. He helped me get over my past relationship which I have tried to for years. He never fell for anyone but his wife and he cares about her alot. I dont want for them to break up because he is a very genuine person that is very kind and caring. We discussed we cant be together and I'll find someone of my own someday and when it happens we'll still be friends. We can't control our emotions for each other, we have passionate sex and fulfilling talks. I love him for his companionship, his knowledge, his caring and sexually. Yet I don't want him to leave her for me, but sometimes I wish he was never married. I feel a bit confused about our situation. I already know that being involved with a married man is wrong so please don't remind me about laws and stuff like that and I don't want to hear that he is just with me for sex cause it is not like that. Give some good advice please.

valinors_sorrow

Read this line until it sinks in:

"I already know that being involved with a married man is wrong so please don't remind me"

Translation: There is NEVER a right time to do a wrong thing. Not ever.
And everything that comes from that is wrong too.
Sorry Marisa but that is how the world works. Please notice where I am from..... I invite you to join me there too!

Depressed in MO

Girl, you will get no sympathy here. Infact, I'm sure we'll never see you again once people start posting what they think.

marisa_franklin

I am in the real world but sometimes my emotions draw me elsewhere. I can't control them I let it control me what should I do. I feel that I need to be with someone at all times to be happy or I'll feel very depressed and then I'll call my ex and start all over again.


Don't worry that is why I registered to get different opinions. I don't want sympathy from anyone. It is not so much sympathy but just views of others I am looking for some may even base it on their own experiences. I am trying to build a strong stable mind to cope with life outcomes so that I can be able to control my emotions. So let them say!

valinors_sorrow

I believe you Marisa, and that's called..... codependency. Its very real and its very painful and destructive. Just look where its led you! Its where a person is addicted to another person or to having a "love" interest. Some like to hide it behind an exaggerated notion of love but I assure you it is NOT love. And like any addiction its not your fault. But it is your responsibility to do something about it. Here are two paths, both work for people all the time.

Either seek out free help -- read books (Codependency No More, Women Who Love Too Much, etc) and support groups in your areas.

Or seek professional help with it.

Should you read anything and have questions about your recovery from codependency, please feel free to post them under Addictions, the forum that I monitor.

K_3

Rarely does anything good come out of a relationship such as yours other than hurt feelings and devastated lives. You were in an abusive relationship and someone comes along and helps you and cares about you and it feels so good and safe that you fall in love. He, on the other hand has been married for a time and loves his wife but after a few years life gets boring and sex is the same. The two of you have a lot to talk about because you have not been talking to each other for years and everything is new. Sex is great because it is new in the relationship. It will all wear off as in all relationships. There has to be more to hold a couple together. He tells you he loves her, at least he is honest. You are going to get hurt and you need to break off the relationship now. It is only going to end up hurting someone and maybe all three. What if his wife finds out? The chances are great she will and she may have an idea now. Do not hurt someone, she is his wife, she loves him, she trusts him.

As for you, you are just out of an abusive relationship, why did you stay so long? 8 years is a long time. For someone to stay in a relationship that long shows some low self esteem issues that you need to deal with before you begin another relationship.. Being with a married man and saying you do not want to hurt his wife or him to leave her is commendable. It shows you think little of yourself to give yourself to someone who can not and is not going to commit to anything more than sleeping with you. Think about it. Tell him you cannot continue with this, you do not want him to leave his wife, you just want to get on with yours. Do not get into another relationship until you know you and love you.
My sister was in a relationship with a married man for 10 years. Her marriage broke up over it. She was never one to cheat, she was sincere. Not making excuses for her, just saying innocent people on both sides get caught up in something that can not possibly turn out good when it starts out with deceit for anyone. You & he are being deceitful where his wife is involved. No lecture. Just the truth. By thinking you are not harming her because you do not want him to leave her may sound to you like you are being a good person, but the truth of the matter is, you are hurting her just as much by doing what you are doing and that is not being a good person. I am saying this because I think basically you are a very good person and you are not seeing the whole picture. It just feels good to have someone care for you. You must stop this or you will hurt more than you know.

marisa_franklin

Life history, so that you might assist me. I was raped when I was eleven which happened for a period of three years by my step-dad. I left my parental home to go to a friend's home where I became involved with her brother when I was fifteen. The person I just broke up with after eight years. Reason when his mom died one and a half year after our relationship he became very abusive physically and emotionally. I became pregnant and he never stopped his abuse he left and went with another girl whom also got pregnant. I left but he made me come back, I went back. He tormented me everyday till I turned to God for help cause I was on the verge of going mad, I prayed. Many times I left but I kept going back and this time I am stronger with the help of God and my friend. What is wrong with me do I need an extra help. Every day I ask God to forgive me and show me the way and I know he will because he has brought me through a lot of torment. I have built a shield around myself, I am afraid to be in a relationship with another man yet I feel as if I need a man. I know that this man is wrong for me but i cant seem to do without him. What is wrong with me!

mr.yet

Ask yourself this question--Will this person ,love and support me above all else?

Your need to contact a support group in your area to help you understand what is happening in your life, what positives changes you can make, to grow with support for people who care.

Just may opinion

valinors_sorrow

Reread this post of yours. This is why you need professional help. There is no shame in that. Its just a shame if you don't get it and continue to create the result in your life that the unhealed woundedness in you is creating. I came from as equally as destructive of a background, very nearly didn't live through it and it took considerable work for me to overcome what I have. I am not completely healed but I know when I need to seek help now and do so. That is why I have answered the way I have-- I really do understand.

What happened to you is not your fault but what you do with it is your choice.

K_3

Because you are afraid to be alone. There has been much that has happened to you in your lifetime that you need to deal with and heal from. You have for the first time found someone that is not physically abusing you, but you are allowing him to abuse you in a different way.
With God in your life, you can do whatever you want. He will give you the strenth. Find some female friends to support you and nurture you. You must believe you can do without this man. By saying you can't you are putting that thought in your mind. Yes, you can do without him. You thought for 8 years you could not do without your other man, and wow you are doing find without him now. Just do not replace one man for another. Get some counseling and learn to love yourself and be with yourself. You will never have a good relationship until you can do that. Believe, and have faith and you will win.