Lying in a relationship to prevent hurting someone, should it be forgiven?

talaniman · Mar 22, 2012, 11:29 PM

My honest opinion, she is a girlfriend in name only, and I see no future, or reason to waste time on BS, and drama.

Jake2008 · Mar 23, 2012, 05:53 AM

One of the most very basic denominators in any relationship, is trust.

It takes a building of trust, over time, to feel confident and comfortable enough to say, yes, I trust her. There is no degree here- a little bit of trust, a medium amount of trust, etc., you reach a point in a relationship, where you either trust or you don't.

From there, you build the relationship. Solid ground started with knowing the person you love is trustworthy. That leads to honesty, integrity, values, common goals, etc., that you don't have to think twice about.

Without trust, you are left with doubt, and doubt will cause anything else to be compromised.

Think of it as building a foundation. You start from the bottom up. If the foundation keeps losing its footing, and you are constantly repairing it, you aren't ever going to be able to start adding to it, to give it structure.

None of your doubts are unreasonable, and the doubts are because of cracks in the foundation. So, do you want to sink more time and investment into justifying why you keep having to fix the foundation, or do you just go and build somewhere else.

Cat1864 · Mar 23, 2012, 07:17 AM

I am a bit confused. Did she date your friend before you started dating her or during one of your break-ups?

Frankly, I don't know why you are dating her or why you started dating her. You don't seem to have trusted her since before you started going out. You don't seem to have tried to develop trust in her or the relationship. If I heard her side of the story, I wouldn't be surprised to hear that she hid anything from you to keep you from going off the deep end. How possessive do you act when your friend is around her? Have you been sending out signals that she make her uncomfortable trying to be completely honest you?

It starts with her dating someone you know, your friend. It continues with her being more assertive in going for what she wants which you seem to have looked at as a negative. I get the impression that you have made your feelings about her being more open well known. I would bet she is a natural flirt and you don't know how to handle her being herself. You have snooped into her private messages. You have pretty much coerced her into telling you about her personal time with her friends. Then you get upset about how she acts with her friends. Has she crossed a boundary line? I don't know. I don't know if you keep moving it on her.

Have you tried to change her to better fit your concept of a girlfriend?

Instead of 'confronting' her, sit down and talk to each other. If you can't communicate with each other honestly and openly and work together, go you separate ways. If you look back and realize that there hasn't been any trust in this relationship from the begining, let each other go.

Grayfox · May 1, 2012, 02:29 AM

If I were you I'd take Tal's advice.

adenwestart · May 2, 2012, 10:53 AM

The thing is, although I have thought about taking that advice many times very seriously, the truth is...I do like this girl and we have overcome alot together. Some time has passed since the previous event and Ill be honest, I am no more certain of either. I wouldn't say I've tried to change her but there are definitely behaviors I didn't understand, that I felt like couldn't exist in a relationship. Naturally you need trust and you need a sense of security to be able to build more and more. She tries so hard to convince me that she is telling the truth and I can tell would go very far to get me to believe her. Even after how ridiculous I've acted and the many times I've brought this subject up (the story I told above) and how I don't know if I believe her she has taken time to rehash it and explain. I know it sounds overboard..but my thing is...if shes willing to work this hard I dont think its just because shes worried about being caught in a lie, I feel like she honestly wants to overcome it and cares about me. My problem is I just keep having doubts or Ill requestion myself after she temporarily convinces me. Is my trust in her already screwed? Has too much happened in the past for me to be able to trust her and have something whole with her? Honestly...

adenwestart · May 3, 2012, 06:50 AM

So a girl ive been seeing for a year, weve had a few problems along the way, and in a previous thread I had expressed my concern with something I learned about a few months ago. Anyway so yesterday I found out that I was indeed right and she has gone through hell and back to hide it from me for the past 5 months, which other than cover up, have been real. I found out that someone she had sex with someone she claimed to be a friend not long after we started dating officially, then every time we would have problems would stay at his place. She had sex with him once and went down on him twice and this is all that I know as of right now. Her friend told me all this who is friends with the guy and apparently he had no idea she was with me and wants to message me to apologize and tell me everything. It was 5 months ago, she was confused about whether she wanted to be with me and we had been fighting for a while. The past 5 months have been good. However, I have asked her on multiple occasions about this guy and about what happened and the only thing she ever said was that they kissed a long time ago before I met her and when I found that out I told her I wasnt comfortable with them hanging out. So now the cat is out of the bag and she is begging forgiveness, crying, puking and what not...that whole thing that I feel alot of people do during a break up. I broke up with her and don't know how I feel. My question is did I make the right decision and should I ever consider forgiving her and getting back with her?

Thanks

talaniman · May 3, 2012, 07:40 AM

She got caught cheating and lying and you were right to dump her. No excuses. Now the challenge is getting over her, not back with her, and NO MORE CONTACT with her is your first step in recovering from this failed relationship.

Of course you will be all over the place emotionally for a while. Thats normal for a break up, but eventually, not only will the shock disappear, but your confusion will clear. But thats only if you strictly follow No Contact, and not let her contact YOU!!

Focus on your studies, and future without her.

adenwestart · May 3, 2012, 09:09 AM

Yea that makes sense. So just to be clear. Even if it was 5 months ago I shouldn't let it go. No matter what future we could have or how serious about me she is now or even if I believe its all in the past. I shouldnt let it go. It seems like the right move and believe me its already made, but there is a part of me that knows she is serious about that all being done with. The guy talked to me told me everything. It has been roughly half a year. If this is without question the best move please explain how.

Thanks

talaniman · May 3, 2012, 09:27 AM

Being serious after a screw up of this magnitude would mean nothing to me if we were rocky and breaking up before this all happened. This was but what broke the camels back, in a series of things that indicates a serious disconnect in what was NOT good behavior.

So to be clear, you shouldn't let the cheating go with her, but you do let it go and heal for yourself, and not carrying the baggage from this relationship with you into the future. This experiment failed, you learn, and get beyond it thru healing now. But you can't stop experimenting, and exploring. Just heal, and regroup between experiments, and experiences.

Thats how you get beyond past disappointments, and get on with living, being healthy, and healthy. NO CONTACT!

Lying in a relationship to prevent hurting someone, should it be forgiven?

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