Hi Everyone,
It's my first post here and I've been playing things in my head for so long, I thought I'd just get it out there.. at the risk of getting eaten alive by the cyber world, I thought it'd be worth at least getting it out of my head!

Brief synopsis:

After a 5 yr relationship, I decided to end things with my boyfriend 5 months ago. It was really an accumulation of many little things (and some larger) on both of our parts (acknowledged now by both of us) over the years that led to the crumbling mess at the end.

Here's the deal: one of those problems was a trust issue that I had with (of course) another girl 'friend', whom he'd lie about to me and he would receive emails and secretive phone calls from (that were not so subtle in what she thought of him). I'm usually not a jealous type, and he has many other girl 'friends' that I truly have no issues with. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, kept working on things throughout the years, but really this issue continually came up in the same way, it snowballed, I felt like he wouldn't communicate with me, but he could with her, that I couldn't really trust him, and it really tried my patience. On top of all that, my dad became sick with ALS a couple years ago, and that added pressure on me to become a caregiver with a full time job already, and it all became too much. I threw in the towel on the relationship and had enough. We sold our home that we owned together and split. Of course, she was the first person he went to for support once our breakup took place.

Now here I am, I've largely accepted the breakup, I've owed up to my own parts and insecurities, and I'm doing the work on myself to better myself for the future. He's been holding on, stringing along, trying to be friends with me (which I wouldn't mind down the road but I accept there should be a cooling off period here for awhile), but then lashing out at me because I'm basically ready to move on and start seeing someone else, and he's hurting about it and coming to me for support.

I feel like a cold hearted , and I accept that people will see me that way. I broke up with him for my own reasons (he never would have called it). But I've been tested in so many ways the last few years that I just want to find what it is that makes me happy in life. I feel like he deserves a shot at happiness as well, and I know I couldn't give him that with my suspicion and mistrust in him. I didn't like who that relationship was turning me into.

What I'm asking is, how the hell do I just get over this already, am I completely justified in these mixed emotions (i.e. why do I feel the need to be his friend but move on and as a result hurt him all at the same time? ), and has anyone else ever had a huge family illness make them just see a relationship in a different light and change their perspective on things? Life is too short to be unhappy..

Please play nice people;) thanks!

I think you will find that on this site, we all play nice. We might be a bit direct with the truth but that is because we don't have the clouded judgements to worry about the love factors... we just focus in on facts.

You have decided that this relationship is over and he is holding on, you need to start NC - no contact, even if it is by sitting him down first and telling him that you aren't ready for friendship, you don't want your relationship back and for both of you to heal you need to stop communication and focus on yourselves.

First off I would read the sticky's above on the relationship section. Then after that you can come here to vent or get more help on dealing with what you are going through. Best of luck!

We are all nice on here, except to some cheaters. I feel you made a good call, you don't want to allow yoruself to be changed into something you don't want to be. You went with your gut, which is a good thing. Rarely do people have the guts to call it quits on a 5 year relationship because they are scared for the unknown. Go NC to this guy and let both of you heal, more him and read the stickies on the top of the page to help you out.

Not surprising, I disagree with what's above. Going with your “gut” is usually a mistake, because gut is another word for I made an emotional decision. Decisions based on emotion alone are always, yes, always bad decisions. If you were compatible enough to be together for 5yrs, and there were no major problems, then you are probably making a mistake. The one caveat I would add is that there is no reason for him to be secretive about his friend. My best friend is a female as well. But we have never dated, never been physical, never thought about it, and I never hide the relationship or how important it was to me. My ex (now after 7yrs) was told this from when we 1st dated.

Being on the side of the fence your ex is on, I just don't think that what you told to us is a good enough reason. It is true that sometimes relationships end and should, but by definition the opposite is true as well. That some should not end. Sometimes, many times in IMO, the dumper is the one making the mistake. So unless, you are thinking he cannot be trusted at all or cheated, I would re-think. The stress of your family situation may be, and probably is, affecting your mindset right now.

I would also like to add before someone jumps on it, be sure your unhappiness is not related to your family or issues not related to your ex. My ex is unhappy she says, but she does not have anything to be unhappy with in regard to me. She has issues with her career, or how she looks or whatever, but I'm not doing anything to make her unhappy. If you are blaming him, and its not him, then you lose twice. A good man, and you hare still unhappy because you did not deal with the real cause of your unhappiness. I hope that makes sense to you.

5 years is a lot of time but I'm not surprised at all.
A problem that I notice in girls is:
You start accumulating things over the time until the Bing Bang comes. When this comes you are prepared to move on, but your boyfriend is pretty surprised because he would never expect it from her girlfriend of 5 years. So you have moved on during the years you were in the relationship and during this time he was near you. But he has to move on alone now.this is what I see completely unfair (dont be jealous if he goes for support to his friend.thats what you left him.he needs a lot of support now)
Honestly speaking. Is the reason you broke up because you like or feel something for someone else? If no then do you love your boyfriend again? If the answer is yes then love has to be unconditional whoever he is, whatever he does (except some serious things and you don't have any fact that he cheated on you).thats my definition for pure love.
It seems to me like the problem is you here. You are having a lot of problems with yourself. If you think that its time to see and explore what's out there without your boyfriend than go on. You are pretty moved on. Go No Contact.its the best option for him and for you.
I didn't play too nice here but I was honest.

Ka1, while everyone is entitled to their opinion, you have to read the question completely. She had numerous little problems, which often lead to bigger problems. She had a suspicion of him cheating, and no offense, but most rational people when they get that feeling, are usually correct. If you read any posts on here about people being cheated on, their were always red flags everywhere before the dirty deed was confirmed. He wouldn't open up to his own girlfriend of 5 years, but could to his friend? That's a huge red flag to me, if you can't communicate with your spouse then the relationship is not going to work.

I appreciate your opinion. Of course, the girl is not the only reason for the breakup, there were many other things that added up along the way. I considered the family stress, and tried to make the best decision possible.

Lola as I think my own ex might say something similar let me dialogue with you a bit. These things that added up over time, they would be IMO one of two categories. Major things that you ignored or put up with over the years, only you know that. Or little things that are really not important, but are the little annoyances that we all have with each other. If it's the second, I want to ask you, "what do you expect if you ever got married to someone?"

Talk to a happily married couple of 30yrs, and I know there a number of little things over the yrs that annoy each other, but they ignore the little things, because all the big things are there. Is that case with your ex? Again only you know.

I just believe the all too often people in 5yr plus relationships seem to piss it all away. You don't want to do that. You want to make sure you are not doing that. If, IF there were not a large number of compatibility issues, then you can bet no matter what people on the board tell you, there are indeed not that many good ones out there. Yes, there are other good guys in the world, but once you factor in, or rather weed out the ones not in your city, are single, want to be in a serious relationship, have your values and beliefs, have similar goals in life, and would actually be attracted to you, the number lowers significantly. I am not saying stay with him out of fear--no not quite. But do recognize that there may be more there than you think, and your current circumstances may making you leave, when you should not. Especially, given that if you ever get married in life, you will more likely than not have to deal with the same issues anyway with someone else.

Remember a bird in hand is better than two you think may be in the bush.

I don't disagree with your point about trusting his friend over his girl. That's a problem, but red flag, mmm, maybe maybe not. At least in terms of cheating.

But little things, are never important enough in a good relationship unless someone starts making mountains out of mole hills. And people do that very often. It's what keeps therapists in business quite frankly. So no, I don't believe the little things are reasonable. I just don't, if they were then we all need to stay single, cause we all have little things we do that will annoy the hell out of our mates.

But if enough little things keep piling up, it's obvious you aren't compatible. You could deal with little things for awhile, but if you are fighting every other day over something little, it begins to take a toll on your mental health as you grow tired of the constant arguing.

I've been victim to this time and time again, and while I've read your story. I feel your judgement is too clouded for this issue as you are still holding out hope that your ex will come back. Once you have a clear understanding that relationships do end over the little things that you endure time and time again you will see the point of her decision. And yes, it is a friend flag when you can talk to your girl friend more than your own girlfriend who you LIVE with.

I really appreciate the time and attention that you all are offering me. It does help to approach things with an unbiased, outside opinion, and I'm grateful that you all are offering me thoughtful advice.

ka- I just wanted to say that no, I never left him with another guy in the back of my mind. It is only recently that I have met somebody else that is making me think I might be OK with the idea of dating again soon. I'm trying to do the proper work on myself first before jumping into another relationship, as I don't want to re-iterate possible mistakes in the future. That's partly why I've come here.
Also, I guess it does indeed depend what the 'little' things are- and what might seem little to one person might be a dealbreaker for another; it's all relative to our experiences and values. I suppose in some ways, if I were to go into details, finding topless pictures of other girl 'friends' and the like on his computer, was a bit of a dealbreaker for me (one thing if he didn't know them, another thing if they're in our lives daily), and it made me question all of the other things that I had tried to tell myself I was overreacting to (the emails from this particular friend). I bided my time for so long because the compansionship, the friendship, was good. We were good 'friends' together, but relationship wise, I guess we both still had a lot of growing up to do.

Rome- Thank you for your understanding. I think you're getting what I'm saying and you really read my question thoroughly. I suppose my question was more to do with coming to a full acceptance and understanding of my decision, long after it has been made, after the emotional turmoil has settled a bit. In my heart, this decision was made a long time ago, but never acted upon properly, due to outside stresses that detracted my attention. I think yes, my judgement is indeed still clouded and I'm trying to just come to terms with being the evil 'dumper', when I know ultimately I just wasn't feeling fulfilled, not making that true 'connection' (that I know can exist in relationships, as I've had them before), but perhaps in some way I was so afraid of adding another 'failed relationship' to my repertoire, I really wanted to stay and make this work as much as I could. I just need to somehow accept that it didn't, that I need to be happy with myself first and foremost before I can truly do that for someone else, and own my decision. I do still care about him, but I'm no longer in love with him.


Thanks again- really, I appreciate all sides and viewpoints.

Oh- I just wanted to add one more thing.

I have a pretty good example of a strong, weathered relationship: my parents have been married for over 41 years, and even in this time of difficulty, my mother cares for and loves my father in ways I can hardly believe (she basically has to do everything for him now due to this disease). My ex's parents are divorced, have gone a bitter 10 years without speaking to one another. Is it anyone's experience that kids from a divorced family suffer from emotional withdrawal in their own adult relationships? Is it possible that some of the relationship issues I experienced with my own ex are a reflection of what he was exposed to growing up?

SORRY! In my above posts I meant to address both 'Ka1' and 'Someone'

Well, if you're finding naked pics of real female friends of his, then I must defer to Rome's opinion, and that is not a little thing, but a big thing.

And yes, children of divorce can have major issues with relationships. Very often they are determined to not be their parents, but don't have the tools to be more like your parents. LOLA if you could for me ask your mom, what did she do in times when things were in a lull in the marriage. I'm curious, because I think it will bear out something's I have posted and am feeling in terms of peole giving up to easy these days.

I will indeed talk to Mom this evening, actually.. I usually go over there to help out with Dad after work. Last night Mom and Dad and I started to get into this conversation, actually, and Dad strictly believes that people give in and give up too easily these days. He thinks it's partly due to media, that to break up is more socially acceptable and easier to do (churches allow annullments, divorce is readily available with $). However I didn't ask specifically what got them through the hard times (and there were a lot of them). Interesting question though, thanks I'll let you know...

Oh- and btw: one more question:

I think it's partly due to dumpers guilt, but partly because I truly appreciate the friendship that we shared together: my ex is still in pretty constant contact with me despite my very straightforward email and discussion with him last week about taking more time away from contacting each other to help us heal etc. and let go of the anger the breakup stirred up. I do want to be friends, IF it happens on its own, down the road. I don't think now is the time to be trying to comfort each other because we just set each other off. However, he doesn't want to let go but at the same time is torturing me over wanting to let go for awhile. Is this No Contact time? Is there another way to do this without having to completely cut each other out/ without stringing each other along? The anger and arguments that still spiral out are really long overdue to stop now.

Yep... he will get the hint, as I did with my ex. It is better for both of you in the long run. As long as you two continue to talk to each other, the emotions will never settle.

LOLA, I will let the others handle the NC issue. But coming from your ex side of things, I have always, even before my own break-up, felt that the need for females to want to remain friends, is just a way to make yourself feel like you did not screw up. It's like you can say to yourself, "see at least something good came out of this. we are friends." You see this with females that have bad relationships. The cheats, or hitsthem, but they want to salvage a friendship. Now that situation does not apply to you, in terms of abuse... cheating hmmm, maybe I geuss. Those pics are suspicious. But still, its way of keeping something good. Either there is more to your relationship and you feel that in deep someplace, and so you want the option later on, or its what I mentioned above. If he loves you the way you say, he can't be friends with you. He can't. So don't ask him too.

I feel you. I got dumped after a ten year relationship four and a half months ago. I am sure you will have good days and bad. It is a little bit different though because you were the dumper and I am the dumpee, although it does hurt us in similar ways. We spent a number of years with someone, and they do become a habit. You are doing the right thing for you. You do need a cooling off period ,take it from me, if he is still hung up on you, cut him loose cause if you give him just an inkling of interest, he may not be able to let go and heal as quickly as you. Good luck with everything and I hope your next relationship is better for you.