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I've been dating a girl for 4 months, doesnt seem like a long time but it sure was. im 26 and shes 31...we started seeing each other right after she got out of a 5 year relationship in which she thought she was going to marry the guy...she actually says she finally cut the cord with him when she met me and realized what she had with me. anyway, things took off between us right from day 1 and we connected on a level that neither of us have ever experienced before.
this relationship was truly AMAZING. we laughed, joked, had stupid secret handshakes, knew each other better than anyone, sacrificed for each other, spent all our free time together and were passionate beyond anything that can be explained. i truly believe that she is the one. we both had thoughts about moving in together and having a future together. we talked about future events and how we were gonna find a way to work things out when i start law school next month. we got to the point where we were basically living together, spending 4 or 5 nights a week together.
the only problem was that she never could fully commit 100% because she was still emotionally scarred from her last relationship. i always told her that i thought she was worth it and id be there with her until she was ready. well she recently went on a vacation to another country and came home and admitted she had met a guy there that she kissed. i forgave her for it because i knew her commitment issues and we moved on. however, last week i found out that she was still in contact with him behind my back and had even texted him calling him "baby" which was her little pet name for me. i was furious and walked out only to talk to her again 2 days later after i had calmed down.
she had no explanation for her actions except that she was scared of where we were headed and panicked. she has no feelings for him, he lives in a different country for godsakes and she doesnt even know him, but i guess it was sort of an outlet for her to get away from this commitment. the bigger issue is that she decided that she needs space to figure herself out. she admitted that im everything shes ever wanted and that she wants nothing more than to love me and be fully committed to me but she just cant bring herself to do it...she just claims that she has an emotional void that she needs to fill and that she needs to be alone to figure out who she is and what she wants...meaning ZERO contact with me whatsoever. its absolutely tearing me up inside having to go from talking to her and being with her 24/7, to not being able to speak to her at all. i guess what makes it so hard is that i know she WANTS me in her life but she cant bring herself to take it. all shes ever wanted was to be married and have a family and she knew that with me she was headed in that direction. we're both putting ourselves through this miserable hell of not talking...we're both losing sleep...we're both walking around in a fog all day...why would she consciously choose to put us through this??
she admitted shes miserable and she WANTS to talk to me because she misses me so much but that this is the only solution she could come up with so she CANT talk to me. her head is telling her to take a break while her heart is telling her to be with me. i just want so badly to call her and talk to her about it but i dont want to impose upon her space. i feel like if she takes this time to herself shes just going to move on and its over between us. she refused to say goodbye because she feels like she just needs this opportunity to be alone and figure out if shes ready for a full commitment to me. we havent spoken in days and im a complete mess. i know she needs space but isnt there another way?? if she cares about me as much as she says she does why is she so willing to walk away and risk the possibility that she'll lose me forever??
Because people need space to figure things out. Have some faith, she sounds like she has genuine feelings for you, but if you intrude on her now, you will make things worse. Just enjoy yourself, hang out with your buds and hold her in your heart. She'll figure out what she needs to do and then you'll be good to go.
GIVE HER HER SPACE AND USE THE TIME FOR YOUR OWN GOOD AS WELL!!!
I am sure you are scared of losing her, but worse if you don't give her what she ahs asked for you will continue to push her further away, and thats the last thing that you want to do I am sure. She very well may have gotten out of one relationship and jusped into another one entirley to fast and now she is a little nervous. Everyone needs a break at one time. I know it's hard, but it will get easier and if ya'll are meant to be things will work out. If not let it go, and try to move on. If you were only together four months, it was still new, so of course it was still great. She just needs some time it sounds like, so try your best to give her as much space as possible...If anything she will realize how much she needs you too... You never know what have until you don't have it anymore. =) Hope things work out for you!!!
Sounds like a tough situation. People develop patterns and if she abandoned the first guy for you, the same thing just as likely could happen to you. Remember she was someone elses soul-mate before you came into the picture. The overseas thing is not a good sign at all and the fact that you forgave her so easily "because you are aware of her fear of attachment" is by no means acceptable. That just sets the bar at what is acceptable in your relationship. I could definately see where u guys need to slow down, especially after she just jumped out of that last relationship and was spending 4 to 5 nights a week with you. I would almost guarantee she is not taking this near as hard as you are.
see the thing is that she actually is taking it hard...we have a mutual friend who introduced us who has told me that shes very upset and misses me and really wants to talk to me. furthermore when we spoke a few days after breaking up she was in tears over the phone and had a very hard time saying goodbye.
when i told her i feel like this is goodbye forever she stated, "how do we know this is forever...i just need some time alone." i know shes not taking it very well so its hard to accept that she cares about me that much and misses me like crazy but still wont talk to me.
i guess i just need to wait until one of 2 things happens...either she will realize that i was the one for her and she'll come back and work things out or she will realize that she doesnt want me and it'll be over...im just a firm believer in going out and taking what you want as opposed to leaving it in the hands of fate.
A past relationship can KILL even the best new one.
Solution: Be patient. Work on the friendship when its time.
Accept silence when she wants it.
4 months is not a lot of time but still significant to you. So, when she comes back just go slow....She may need a year to recover...And if you represent a potential life-mate already then you are in a tough spot: that is great! but it also means you are a nice guy...and women coming out of relationships want Fun guys....someone they can enjoy and take their mind off things - but walk away from guiltlessly like a sugar-free desert. But you don't want that....
Soooooo, hold the line. No flowers, Cards, texts, emails. But be nice and suggest something fun "when she's ready..." she will be. hope it's worth the wait....
PS - break-ups are life's cruelest emotion...except for a fatality. hang in there!
Just respect her desires. Whenever you push for anything, it tends to move away from you; therefore, give her the time she needs. Before you know it (hopefully) she'll realize how important you are to her and she'll come around. It's almost impossible that someone can just walk out of something so great and never come back. That said, you'll be fine. Focus on you and by the time she comes back, you'll realize that it was worth the wait. But one little advice: take it slow if things do work out with you two. It never was a good thing to just cut to the chase right away. Good luck!
Just respect her desires. Whenever you push for anything, it tends to move away from you; therefore, give her the time she needs. Before you know it (hopefully) she'll realize how important you are to her and she'll come around. It's almost impossible that someone can just walk out of something so great and never come back. That said, you'll be fine. Focus on you and by the time she comes back, you'll realize that it was worth the wait. But one little advice: take it slow if things do work out with you two. It never was a good thing to just cut to the chase right away. Good luck!
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