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I met this man over twenty years ago and I was already married. He and I worked together during this time and he fell in love with me. I believe I felt the same way, but I was committed to my marriage. He eventually got married, but we never stopped talking and eventually we told each other how we felt. We were both married and had children. We never did anything but talk. Now, I am divorced and he and I are talking again. He is still married, but we can't go more than two hours without talking. This love we have for each other is the strongest bond I have ever known, except with my children. I feel like a bad person because I can't stop loving him. I have never cheated on my husband and he has never cheated on his wife, but we want to be together. We don't want to hurt his wife because she is a wonderful person and they have had a pretty good marriage. My marriage was awful. We don't know what to do. Any suggestions.
First of all, I am a good person and it is not like I just starting feeling this way. My marriage has been terrible for fifteen years and it was not because of this man. My husband was an alcoholic and a very verbally abusive man. I stayed and raised my children. This man's wife is a nice woman, but their marriage has not been good because he could never completely commit. I had completely quit talking to him, but he recently underwent an organ transplant and we both realized how short life is. He wanted me there with him instead of his wife. I can't help that. I haven't contacted him in five years. I called when I heard he was very sick and we began talking again. I do not expect him to leave his wife. It is easy to say stop, but it isn't you. I can't help the way I feel and he can't help the way he feels. Our children are adults and we never did anything but try to be the best spouse and parent we can be, but this brush with death has been hard to handle. I know this is hard to understand, but I was hoping someone could at least be kind and explain how I can do this (end this) without being so mean. This was my first post and I hope that I could try to put myself in someone else's position before spewing venom. As far as the lust comment, I am not that kind of person and I am old enough to know that never lasts.
You need to let him know that the two ofyou are committing emotional adultry. That, while you understand his feelings, you cannot be part of the fraud that is his marriage. If and when he ever gets a divorce, you may reconsider your decision. But in good conscience you cannot continue to have this affair.
Yes, your children are grown, but just because they are grown they do still have feelings.
Understand that his children will resent him and most likely hate you when they find out. And believe me, they will. Most likely your adult children will end up being ashamed of you.
We are not trying to spew venom here, but you came in and asked a question about adultry and expected us to be on your side, the side of the adultress. We are all for marriage here and try to help people like his wife keep their marriages in tact if at all possible.
Just think, you could be giving his wife advice about saving her marriage from the other woman without even realizing it.
First of all, I am a good person and it is not like I just starting feeling this way. My marriage has been terrible for fifteen years and it was not because of this man. My husband was an alcoholic and a very verbally abusive man. I stayed and raised my children. This man's wife is a nice woman, but their marriage has not been good because he could never completely commit. I had completely quit talking to him, but he recently underwent an organ transplant and we both realized how short life is. He wanted me there with him instead of his wife. I can't help that. I haven't contacted him in five years. I called when I heard he was very sick and we began talking again. I do not expect him to leave his wife. It is easy to say stop, but it isn't you. I can't help the way I feel and he can't help the way he feels. Our children are adults and we never did anything but try to be the best spouse and parent we can be, but this brush with death has been hard to handle. I know this is hard to understand, but I was hoping someone could at least be kind and explain how I can do this (end this) without being so mean. This was my first post and I hope that I could try to put myself in someone else's position before spewing venom. As far as the lust comment, I am not that kind of person and I am old enough to know that never lasts.
sizetack
First of all, you started seeing this man when you were married. I understand that you had a bad marriage and I feel for you there but getting emotional involved with someone else was not the way to go! (Two wrongs don't make a right) If he knew you had such a bad marriage then why did he eventially marry someone knowing that you would be leaving your husband soon?
You say this man's marriage is also rocky. Why is he still married then? There is only one way to end a marriage and that is by sitting down with your spouse and letting them know that you're not happy in the marriage. There is no "easy" way to break off a marriage.
I haven't been in your position but what yous are doing is morally wrong! I don't know if you or him are at all christians but you will have to answer to "the big guy" someday. Are you prepared to explain yourself?
Bottom line... if he is that unhappy in the marriage, he would leave. If he cared for you that much then he would be with you!
There is only one way to end this. You need to tell him that yous need to stay apart until (or if) he gets divorced. You may be suprised at his decision. Only time will tell.
It is easy to judge others. I believe in marriage as well. I was married twenty three years. I am a christian woman that was raised by christian parents who were married over forty years. I would have never dreamed that I would have ever been in this position. You are right I did ask for advice, but I didn't want you to side with me. I know this is wrong, but I wanted advice as to how to get over this and move on. Instead, I have been called names and told that I do not respect marriage. Obiviously the people that have given me advice have never been in my situation. It is hard to give advice unless you have experienced a similar situation. I understand your position and I agree with it--that is why I posted. I wanted to see how other people have dealt with this. It isn't as easy as you think. Emotions are not something that you can just quit having. I have tried for twenty years to suppress my feelings and so has he. We stayed married, didn't talk, and rarely saw each other. Our spouses knew we were very close and we were very respectful of their feelings and denied any feelings we had for each other. The near death experience has just caused us to feel the need to connect again. We are not bad people. We are just two people that have always had deep feelings for one another. We can't explain it and if I could shut it off I would, believe me. I don't want to live this way. I know God has a plan for me. I just wanted someone to help me with getting out and getting over, because I haven't been able to do that on my own.
Obiviously the people that have given me advice have never been in my situation. It is hard to give advice unless you have experienced a similar situation.
You're right... we haven't been in your position because we don't believe in it! "Temptation" lerks everywhere. It is whether or not you give into it!
Do you have a close girlfriend that can help you through this? You need support from your "good" friends.
The only way to end this relationship is.... to tell him that what yous are doing is wrong and that you need space. You will be okay down the road. It will be hard but you need to learn to respect yourself! You deserve to be in a loving relationship with someone that is NOT married. Time will heal!
It isn't being mean to end it decisively and clearly. Maybe we all misinterpreted your post, but it didn't seem obvious that you had in fact firmly decided to end it and simply wanted help getting over it. It sounded more like you wanted to explain why you couldn't just end it an move on. Please forgive us if we misunderstood.
STAY AWAY FROM THIS GUY!!! You start talking with him WHEN the divorce papers are signed.
Think about his wife!!!! You're being VERY SELFISH HERE.
You like him now becaue he is unavailable.
I bet $1 million he doesn't get this divorce and is looking to use you for some excitment. Many married men WILL lie, cheat ans steal to be wit hanother women.
No contact with this guy unless he HAS a divorce - not a lie where he says he getting one.
I've never been in your positin because I know better. This is cheating - even emotional cheatin gis wrong.
Two things to do - would you ever tell your parents about this? Could you tel lhis wife this yourself?
It's wrong - get over it until he has the divorce.
I think if you truely loved this man, then you would want him to be happy and want what is best for him, which is his wife and his children. It must really suck to have fallen for a man you can never truly have, there are plenty of men in this world....just think how you'd feel.
Years ago I fell in this trap but it was only as a boyfreind/girlfreind relationship......I wish I could take back that decision to this day....and with marriage adn children it is even more severe.....trst me when I tell you I know it is hard but you have got to, especially if you really love this man, not let this continue.....The best way to get ovet this is to move on....easier said than done, but you got to stop talking to him if it just stirrs these up more, a thing my mom told me, IF you find yourslef feeling for another man tell your husband it has a way killing the seed, the more you keep it a secret the more the seed grows and teh more it gorws the more likey you will be to commit it.....IF you want help ending this, then tell his wife you have feelings for her husband.....she will help you end the relationship.....I think this man need to tell his wife.....
I think the wife needs to know.....maybe thats is stupid but serioulsy am I alone in thinking this wife needs to nkow what is going on here.....maybe not....anyways you gotta force your self to break contact. the feelings may never go away, but you got to move on.....this is not a road you wnat to travel down, you will end up hating yourself and it will affect your spiritual life...You do not want God's wrath on you for destroying a marriage, you do not want to be killed like jesabel. Tell satan to shut up and leave you alone, and go pray about this wiht a trusted prayer warrior freind. ( I gave tehchristian side of advice since you said you were christian)
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