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    CarolinaP81's Avatar
    CarolinaP81 Posts: 30, Reputation: 2
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    #1

    Jun 19, 2008, 10:05 PM
    I love him so much but I pushed him away how do I get him back?
    My boyfriend (26)and I (27) have been together for three years. I love him so much. I have never felt the love I feel for him for anyone else. Last year we took a one month break because I felt that the communication and the trust was not really there. He worked on his issue of trust and communication and we ended up getting back together. When we got back together we tried to take it slow but the feelings that we have for each other are so strong and real that we just kind of took off where we left off. We have been together for about a full year now. In the beginning of June we celebrated 3 years. About 3 weeks ago we got into an argument and I told him that it was obvious that he didn't know what he wanted now this was the second time I made that comment to him. He got very angry and yelled "Your right I don't know what I want!" I broke down and started crying and he apologized told me he didn't mean what he said that he was just very angry at me for making a stupid comment because he loves me was going to propose by the end of the summer and we would get married in 2 yrs. A week later another argument surfaced in which he had said he was going to spend a weekend in miami with my family and I.. Then he backed out on it last min. He told me he only had agreed to go because he didn't want to see me cry and then he kind of didn't want to go in the first place. I was very hurt and then I started to fixate on what he had said the week before that he didn't know what he wanted and then the whole weekend trip both incidents hurt me so much. I became distant in the past 2 weeks and he would try to be all loving and I would kind of back away a bit. Two nights ago I asked him to lets go see a couples therapist he told me flat out no that infuriated me so I told him I wanted to break up with him because he was being cold and distant and didn't seem to want to work out our problems. The following morning I knew I had made a huge mistake I kind of gave him an ultimatum and I wanted to apologize tell him that I loved him tell I was sorry but in turn he once again was nasty/cold and smirking. That night we decided to talk and he was in like panic mode he said he was not sure anymore what he really wanted it he wanted me. Marriage, engage by the end of the summer, a family he wasn't sure if he wanted anything. He said I hurt him the first time around and he had promised himself if I ever broke up with him again that he would not stand for it. I cried I apologized. He told me he loved me very much... we made out and then I asked do you still want me? And said he didn't know because we had been arguing and he was already stressed out at work and in school... that he didn't know anything because his brain was going a million directions he didn't know what he wanted to do in life. He said the best thing to do was to just clear our heads from Thursday to Monday or Tuesday and think about what we really wanted and our goals for our relationship. Now I don't know what to do. I am so scared that he is going to call this whole thing off. I love him I want to be with him. I just am terrified and so sad because I pretty much caused this. I couldn't get over the fact that he said he didn't know what he wanted 1 week before our 3 yr anniversary. And, now he is saying he doesn't know if he wants marriage/family. I am so confused and scared. I wrote him a letter apologizing for being a nag and for not letting things go and for not being understanding and loving... But, now what I don't know what to do? Do I give him space to think? Do I call him and tell him that I love him that I am so sorry? I don't know what to do? Please help I am so heartbroken and I miss him so much.
    flipperex's Avatar
    flipperex Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
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    #2

    Jun 19, 2008, 10:34 PM
    To tell you the truth, I might not be the best person to advise u, but, I'm going through a similar thing... not that big, but... after 2 years my girlfriend wants a brake because she's unsure of her feelings... its not the same thing, but in that reagon... kind of :)
    The thing is, my advise would be, give him some space. Yes, tell him you love him, but don't be pushie. Just a short call, or a sms. Just tell him how you feel, and give him space. In the meanwhile, the thing YOU need to do for yourself, now this is going to sound crazy, but it 90% of the time works: Think happy thoughts. I know its childish, but IT WORKS. U just need to feel it. So, every day, like a prayer, "I wish he'll get back to me" "i wish he does love me, he'll be with me..." Everything you want, you wish for it, and wish it hard, with emotions. Think about how you feel when your in his arms, and wish you were there again...
    Best of luck
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #3

    Jun 20, 2008, 06:59 AM
    You both need to take enough time for the emotional dust to settle. Your communication skills are really lousy, and ultimatuims are a very bad idea.

    Give each other some time apart especially you. You could really stand to be alone, and work on yourself without any pressure from him.
    confused1145's Avatar
    confused1145 Posts: 176, Reputation: 17
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    #4

    Jun 20, 2008, 08:01 AM
    Give him some time and keep your distance for a short period. This may be what both of you needs. Like they say, you never know what you have until you lose it. Maybe he will have a change of heart.
    CarolinaP81's Avatar
    CarolinaP81 Posts: 30, Reputation: 2
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    #5

    Jun 21, 2008, 02:44 PM
    Thank you for your advice... I am trying to keep my distance. I did text him an I love you and my friend had this idiotic idea of inviting him to a Cancer fund dinner and idiot me listened to her I left him a voicemail I felt so stupid I should have never called he texted me back the following day saying sorry he wasn't going to make it and that he felt we should leave things the way they are for now. Should I move on? Do I wait? Do I do both? Omg so confusing and crazy... In the meantime I have been reading a great book titled ---The 7 best things happy couples do by John C. Friel Ph.D and Linda D. friel M.A... its a really good book and I am kicking myself for doing things I regret but then again it takes two BUT I can only change the way I am not the way he is.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #6

    Jun 21, 2008, 03:02 PM
    he felt we should leave things the way they are for now. Should I move on? Do I wait? Do I do both? Omg so confusing and crazy...
    I don't recommend waiting, but I do recommend finding how you feel and cope with those feelings, as if he will never come back. He doesn't seem to have the same problem you do, and he knows what to do about it. Follow his lead, and leave him alone, and find your own happiness.
    CarolinaP81's Avatar
    CarolinaP81 Posts: 30, Reputation: 2
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    #7

    Jun 27, 2008, 10:43 PM
    Tonight I went to Barnes and Nobles and picked out some self help books and was reading them... one of Joe's friends came in and saw me he said hi and then he was like how you hanging in there I was like Im okay I just don't understand how someone can say they don't know what they want after three years... he was like well Joe said he really didn't trust the relationship after you called the break for a month last year. So I said so why did he and I agree on getting back together? Was this whole year a lie? And his friend said "Well Joe said that this year ....." well you know what its not my place to say never mind then he went on to say that according to the horoscope we are not compatible and that I would be more suited with an aquarius - a guy like him. Mind you he is 38 single and living at home still..? I am so confused... What is he trying to say? What is he trying to do? Sabotage any chances we have of getting together? I haven't heard from Joe. I sent him "Hi..I love you" text he replied "hi how are you?" I said "Im okay, 3 more days left to your bday"... now his birthday is the 29th... my question is do I drop off the gift I had for him or what do I do?? -so confused do I even listen to his friend?
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #8

    Jun 28, 2008, 04:58 AM
    Never listen to his friends, and be confused by there version of things, I do mean never. As for him and his birthday, what are you doing focusing on him, and the false hope of a future, when you should be making a better future for yourself?? Until you leave the past where it is, you can never just enjoy TODAY!!
    CarolinaP81's Avatar
    CarolinaP81 Posts: 30, Reputation: 2
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    #9

    Jul 2, 2008, 11:12 AM
    On Sunday the 29th it was Joes birthday I dropped off two broadway play tickets which I had got him and a gift card from my parents. He seemed happy that I did that. We spoke for a bit and he told me he wasn't ready for marriage or kids and that he wanted to live out his 20's. He told me he could only guarantee me being friends and that no matter what he would still be there for me I told him I loved him and would be there for him as well... but then he went on to say that he disliked my mom because he felt she didn't like him and when we got married that she would never live with us. I told him my mom could be a bit cold and I understand and I agreed with him. He then again went on to say that he could be my friend for now because he did miss me but he didn't miss walking on eggshells and all the bickering. So he confused me where he said we can be friends but then he spoke about marriage and he also spoke about just having two kids. He said he would call me so we can go out and have coffee. I didn't contact him I have been trying to figure out what it is that I want and how I can better my communication skills and for once just to listen. I have been going to therapy and a lot of anger and stress comes out from my family so I have been trying to deal with that. He texted me on Tuesday around 2pm asked when I would be free I said wed or thurs. night and he said we should get together Thursday. At around 10:30 Tuesday night he texed me asking me to meet up with him I said okay where do we meet up and he replied never mind I didn't realize it was so late... I am so confused?? Someone please help me! What the heck is going on.
    freeatlast1's Avatar
    freeatlast1 Posts: 33, Reputation: 6
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    #10

    Jul 2, 2008, 12:19 PM
    Carolina,

    I'm trying to understand the situation as best I can, but I can tell you that you need to stop blaming yourself. I don't see what you did wrong. I know how you feel hurt that he wanted to cancel travel plans to Miami and then the ultimatums, etc... same things happened in my previous relationship. That's just a sign that things are going downhill. Nobody's fault in particular, when a relationship is not working out both people start doing things that are hurtful and that they shouldn't do. But for it to get to that point, the relationship must have been declining for a long, long time.

    Give him some space and try to keep yourself busy. Above all, don't blame yourself for anything.
    jiltedgirl's Avatar
    jiltedgirl Posts: 125, Reputation: 23
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    #11

    Jul 2, 2008, 12:45 PM
    I can sense all of the hurt and turmoil you're experiencing, Carolina. I agree with freeatlast. You need to STOP BLAMING YOURSELF. You said it yourself. It takes two to make and break a relationship. I also don't want you to get your hopes up. I understand that you still love him, but distance yourself from him so you can regain some of your independence. Contradictions between what people say and do are never good signs. It sounds like he either wants it to be over or take it slowly. My fear is that he will want to be friends, and that will hurt you. Tread carefully.

    You have shown him you are willing to work on yourself and the relationship for him. Does he?? I don't think he's as willing to do that, as shown by his actions. Apart from wondering what HE wants from a relationship, ask yourself this: are you sure you want to be with someone like him??

    Good luck,
    J
    CarolinaP81's Avatar
    CarolinaP81 Posts: 30, Reputation: 2
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    #12

    Jul 2, 2008, 12:47 PM
    The relationship was great up until a month and a half ago when he told me he didn't know what he wanted that he was scared of getting married because he wasn't financially ready he wasn't where he wanted to be and then on top of that he cancels last mintue to miami. I became cold and distant no sex for a month. I told him I felt hurt and unwanted he asked if I needed a couple of days but instead I said I don't want to be with you but then I calmed down and told him I didn't mean it that I loved him and wanted this to work because we were happy before those two incidents. I am working on myself but I remain confused ugh... He also said to me I love you but what if we get back together and a month later you dump me again? This is just to confusing! I want to tell him the only reason why I said I didn't want to be with him because I felt like he didn't care, he hurt me and I felt betrayed.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #13

    Jul 2, 2008, 03:20 PM
    My boyfriend (26)and I (27) have been together for three years.
    I think the other posters are on to something you need to stop doing, taking the faults and mistakes of others as your own fault. Its not. After 3 years I think you straight up deserve to know how, and when this relationship will move to the next level. He is the one balking at communicating or listening. That HURTS, and you should be selfish and start looking out for you and what you need. His confusion is contagious, and some distance is needed for him to unravel his own mind. Sorry, but if a partner can't carry there own weight, a relationship can't move forward.
    CarolinaP81's Avatar
    CarolinaP81 Posts: 30, Reputation: 2
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    #14

    Jul 2, 2008, 09:19 PM
    I agree... today he has confused me even more and I even think he may be reading these blogs. He vented via text how I hurt him, how I left him-- pretty much how he is faulting me for leaving him a second time around. I tried reassuring him MANY times that I love him want to work things out. It was a vicious cycle till finally I said listen I am willing to talk and start working on us let me know when you are ready to talk. He called me at 11pm he said he called to say hi I kept it simple asked about his day, the news and he went on to tell me he was looking at pictures of me pretty much to get off on. I am tired of this it seems like he wants to degrade me. He said lets be friend I accepted... friends don't call each other up all horny and say they are looking at pictures to get off on. After that phone call I am tired of the bullcrap. In fact his phonecall made me stronger. Thank you guys you give pretty good advice. My therapist pretty much said the same thing he is holding on to the hurt and maybe one day he will let go. Till then I will occupy myself and keep fixing myself.
    CarolinaP81's Avatar
    CarolinaP81 Posts: 30, Reputation: 2
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    #15

    Jul 3, 2008, 11:32 PM
    Joe and I spoke and he said he in no way tried to disrespect me or degrade me. I was pissed off when I posted that blog. He called at 11pm last night to break the ice. He was just trying to reach out because he knew we had left off on bad terms he was trying to be nice. We met up at starbucks tonight and had a really nice time it was simple and fun.

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