I love my girlfriend very much but I don't really want to have sex with her anymore. This is becoming a problem in a hurry for obvious reasons. All of the literature and articles I have read on the subject simply point to some physical issue in regards to medications, chemical imbalances, health problems, stress, exercise, chemical dependency, etc. I know none of these things are the issue because I'm in my late twenties, healthy, and very active. I don't take medications, drink or do drugs. I'm not depressed and I have no male sexual dysfunctions. I'm a little stressed but what working adult going to college isn't a little stressed. In all reality, I know what the problems are; I just have no idea how to handle them anymore. I have done everything that I can think of to fix the issues but to no avail. This is the first time in my life that I have had to realize that my sexual attraction to a woman is deeper than simply her physical appearance, which has made my search for answers nearly impossible because the literature and articles I'm finding don't cover the kinds of problems I'm having. Even though one of the problems that I'm having does encompass some weight gain on her part, I don't believe that simply resolving the weight problem would have a drastic affect on my sexual attraction for her.
I have been with my girlfriend for over a year now. When the relationship was still in the “Honeymoon” phase, the sex was typical of any new couple. As time passed, we both lost some interest in sex which happens in many relationships. I have had a three long term relationships, one of over five years, so I am well acquainted with the cycles that they often take. However for the last six months, the average number of times we have had sex has become once a month or less. Even once a month has become a strain for me to muster the effort. Sadly, I only have sex with her because I feel bad that it has been a month or more. I know she is getting annoyed and feels insecure and unattractive. I want to want to have sex with her but I just can't seem to find the want to have sex. It has just become the one chore that I put off for as long as possible.
The reasons for my loss of interest are complicated because there are a few variables that go into the dilemma. The first and most obvious reason is that she has gained some weight sense we have been together. My girlfriend was not a small girl to begin with, which is normally fine with me. I tend to like a woman with some shape, but now her shape has grown out of my comfort zone. I have no idea how to address the issue in a way that won't hurt her feeling terribly. I have tried to instigate exercise and eating better, though this has had no lasting effect. I have tried to get her to start walking around parks with me, going to the gym, and eating healthy. I am not one of those guys who say “You need to lose weight but I am not willing to help you.” She has absolutely no drive to lose weight, among other things. I know that she knows what I'm getting at, but she just doesn't seem to care for long.
This brings me to turn off number two. She has no ambition or drive to do much of anything. She talks a lot about what she is going to do with her life but never follows through with anything that she says. She is like a bullet coming out of a gun and hitting a pool of water. Her endeavors last a few days, maybe a few weeks, but they always fall to the bottom of her things to do. It annoys the hell out of me because I work a full time job and go to school at night. I come over to visit her every day, only to often find her sleeping or watching television. Her room is a pigsty. She has not done laundry, cleaned, or anything productive in weeks, accept go to work. I get fed up and grossed out by her living conditions and wind up cleaning all of these things for her, on the only day off that I have all week. Once in a while she will get a little ambition and clean a little, but these sprees are few and short lived anymore.
The third turn off is she won't finish anything that she starts. Whether it's College or a book, she will get to the end of something and quit. This is a real turn off because I see too much intelligence and talent being wasted. I'm not sure if it's a fear of success or the failure that the thing being completed has no real value. I just have no idea why she would be one class away from a degree and refuse to finish. I don't find it attractive at all considering that I am working my tail off to get a degree, so that I might get a decent job and provide a more comfortable life for myself and any future family that I may have.
The forth and last problem is that she, in her mid-twenties, is still completely dependent on her parents in that she both works for and lives with her parents. This would not bother me at all if it was one or the other, or it was the only problem. I would be more understanding if I knew that she liked her job and where she lived. However, she doesn't like either and will not do anything to change it. By this point in her life it would also normally be expected that she was at least independent on some level. I love her parents because they are wonderful people, but the umbilical cord that is still attached is a little strange to me. I understand that the cost of living in our area is really high and she has bills, but I have dealt with all of the same problems on my own and have done just fine. Not to mention the excitement of having sex in my girlfriend's parent's basement was gone for me well over a decade ago. The very last thing I want to do at this point in my life is have sex in my girlfriend's parent's basement because it is just a little weird and uncomfortable.
My major concern with these things is that they won't ever change. I have tried to imply or directly discuss all of these issues with her, only to be told that she will work on them. I watch her give it her best effort for a short time but it seems like once she feels like the “heat is off”, that it won't be a problem anymore. I don't see her work at anything over the long term. I would never want to start a marriage or a family with her right now because I feel like I would have to perform all of the duties necessary to run the marriage, raise the children, plus look after her.
I don't want to force her to change. I don't believe that I have the ability or right to force anyone to change. I want her to want to change for the better. I want her to continue to progress as a human being in positive ways. I genuinely love and care about her. We can have a lot of fun together. She still has many amazing qualities that I love. She is smart, caring, loving. She has a great sense of humor when she wants to. I'm not looking for “Ms. Perfect.” Really I just want her to become up to the challenges that life bring and not get stagnant. When I met her, aside from living at home and working for her parents, she was not like she is today. Who she was before and what I saw her trying to accomplish was what made me attracted to her in the first place. I feel like once she got me, she figured she got what she wanted and stopped moving forward with her life and started moving backwards in a lot of ways. Now I don't really want to have sex with her because of all this. I'm just not turned on anymore. I have no idea how to handle the situation and I'm in serious need of advice! I don't really want to break up with her because I love her dearly and I do not want to hurt her. I feel like I have invested too much time and energy into our relationship to just quit without exploring every possible solution, but I'm not happy. I hope that someone will have some insight!