I love my girlfriend very much but I don't really want to have sex with her anymore. This is becoming a problem in a hurry for obvious reasons. All of the literature and articles I have read on the subject simply point to some physical issue in regards to medications, chemical imbalances, health problems, stress, exercise, chemical dependency, etc. I know none of these things are the issue because I'm in my late twenties, healthy, and very active. I don't take medications, drink or do drugs. I'm not depressed and I have no male sexual dysfunctions. I'm a little stressed but what working adult going to college isn't a little stressed. In all reality, I know what the problems are; I just have no idea how to handle them anymore. I have done everything that I can think of to fix the issues but to no avail. This is the first time in my life that I have had to realize that my sexual attraction to a woman is deeper than simply her physical appearance, which has made my search for answers nearly impossible because the literature and articles I'm finding don't cover the kinds of problems I'm having. Even though one of the problems that I'm having does encompass some weight gain on her part, I don't believe that simply resolving the weight problem would have a drastic affect on my sexual attraction for her.
I have been with my girlfriend for over a year now. When the relationship was still in the “Honeymoon” phase, the sex was typical of any new couple. As time passed, we both lost some interest in sex which happens in many relationships. I have had a three long term relationships, one of over five years, so I am well acquainted with the cycles that they often take. However for the last six months, the average number of times we have had sex has become once a month or less. Even once a month has become a strain for me to muster the effort. Sadly, I only have sex with her because I feel bad that it has been a month or more. I know she is getting annoyed and feels insecure and unattractive. I want to want to have sex with her but I just can't seem to find the want to have sex. It has just become the one chore that I put off for as long as possible.
The reasons for my loss of interest are complicated because there are a few variables that go into the dilemma. The first and most obvious reason is that she has gained some weight sense we have been together. My girlfriend was not a small girl to begin with, which is normally fine with me. I tend to like a woman with some shape, but now her shape has grown out of my comfort zone. I have no idea how to address the issue in a way that won't hurt her feeling terribly. I have tried to instigate exercise and eating better, though this has had no lasting effect. I have tried to get her to start walking around parks with me, going to the gym, and eating healthy. I am not one of those guys who say “You need to lose weight but I am not willing to help you.” She has absolutely no drive to lose weight, among other things. I know that she knows what I'm getting at, but she just doesn't seem to care for long.
This brings me to turn off number two. She has no ambition or drive to do much of anything. She talks a lot about what she is going to do with her life but never follows through with anything that she says. She is like a bullet coming out of a gun and hitting a pool of water. Her endeavors last a few days, maybe a few weeks, but they always fall to the bottom of her things to do. It annoys the hell out of me because I work a full time job and go to school at night. I come over to visit her every day, only to often find her sleeping or watching television. Her room is a pigsty. She has not done laundry, cleaned, or anything productive in weeks, accept go to work. I get fed up and grossed out by her living conditions and wind up cleaning all of these things for her, on the only day off that I have all week. Once in a while she will get a little ambition and clean a little, but these sprees are few and short lived anymore.
The third turn off is she won't finish anything that she starts. Whether it's College or a book, she will get to the end of something and quit. This is a real turn off because I see too much intelligence and talent being wasted. I'm not sure if it's a fear of success or the failure that the thing being completed has no real value. I just have no idea why she would be one class away from a degree and refuse to finish. I don't find it attractive at all considering that I am working my tail off to get a degree, so that I might get a decent job and provide a more comfortable life for myself and any future family that I may have.
The forth and last problem is that she, in her mid-twenties, is still completely dependent on her parents in that she both works for and lives with her parents. This would not bother me at all if it was one or the other, or it was the only problem. I would be more understanding if I knew that she liked her job and where she lived. However, she doesn't like either and will not do anything to change it. By this point in her life it would also normally be expected that she was at least independent on some level. I love her parents because they are wonderful people, but the umbilical cord that is still attached is a little strange to me. I understand that the cost of living in our area is really high and she has bills, but I have dealt with all of the same problems on my own and have done just fine. Not to mention the excitement of having sex in my girlfriend's parent's basement was gone for me well over a decade ago. The very last thing I want to do at this point in my life is have sex in my girlfriend's parent's basement because it is just a little weird and uncomfortable.
My major concern with these things is that they won't ever change. I have tried to imply or directly discuss all of these issues with her, only to be told that she will work on them. I watch her give it her best effort for a short time but it seems like once she feels like the “heat is off”, that it won't be a problem anymore. I don't see her work at anything over the long term. I would never want to start a marriage or a family with her right now because I feel like I would have to perform all of the duties necessary to run the marriage, raise the children, plus look after her.
I don't want to force her to change. I don't believe that I have the ability or right to force anyone to change. I want her to want to change for the better. I want her to continue to progress as a human being in positive ways. I genuinely love and care about her. We can have a lot of fun together. She still has many amazing qualities that I love. She is smart, caring, loving. She has a great sense of humor when she wants to. I'm not looking for “Ms. Perfect.” Really I just want her to become up to the challenges that life bring and not get stagnant. When I met her, aside from living at home and working for her parents, she was not like she is today. Who she was before and what I saw her trying to accomplish was what made me attracted to her in the first place. I feel like once she got me, she figured she got what she wanted and stopped moving forward with her life and started moving backwards in a lot of ways. Now I don't really want to have sex with her because of all this. I'm just not turned on anymore. I have no idea how to handle the situation and I'm in serious need of advice! I don't really want to break up with her because I love her dearly and I do not want to hurt her. I feel like I have invested too much time and energy into our relationship to just quit without exploring every possible solution, but I'm not happy. I hope that someone will have some insight!

Please break for paragraphs if you write another long post. Thanks!

Have the two of you tried counseling?

Sorry about that! This is a first for me.

I was seeing a therapist a few months ago because of all of this. When I asked her to go for a session, she was not really up to the idea. It seems that as far as she is concerned, any issues are my issues and not hers. That is what drove me seek answers via this site. The therapist was nice and liked to listen but she really had no better idea of how to handle the situation than I had. Especially considering that my girlfriend was not willing to participate in any counseling.

But she is one of your issues -- in fact, the only issue! If I were the counselor, I would personally invite your girlfriend in order to get her input on how to fix you.

Did you and the counselor talk about your breaking up with your girlfriend? -- if you could, what would happen if you did, and what you would do then?

Just a few thoughts:

She has put on weight and become demotivated. Could she be depressed? Is she on any medication, including perhaps birth control, which could be having an adverse affect?

Could you be putting more pressure on her than you realise and it has become counter productive? Maybe you should back off somewhat and give her some space to work on things herself.

Maybe you should stop mustering up the energy for duty sex. In a way forcing yourself is being dishonest. I doubt her feeling unattractive and insecure is actually caused by the lack of sex but rather brought to the surface by it. Of course it is really nice when our partner shows their desire for us but being made to feel attractive shouldn't be the main reason for sex. When 2 people who are already confident in themselves come together to share a physical expression of their love that is so much more fulfilling. So when she expresses unhappiness with the lack of sex, acknowledge that it is a problem, admit that you don't know how to fix it, and ask her again to consider coming to counselling with you to help you do so.

You keep mentioning that she put on some weight...

Really? I'm sorry, but that's kind of screwed up.

You should love her no matter what. How are you going to feel when she is 8 months pregnant with your baby? Are you going to be like this as well?

Human bodies change. And females tend to get the short stick... We get chunky off air. I guess if you cannot find yourself physically attracted to her because she gained a little, then you should get to walking. Your starting to make her second guess herself and feel bad about herself, because you have a little issue. Or you could just get over yourself.

Maybe you do have some underlying problems you haven't discovered yet. Maybe you are stressed with work and school that sex is the last thing on your mind. Maybe you are subconsciously falling out of love with her and you just haven't convinced yourself yet.

Sounds to me like you need to search yourself. If you really love her, and are at that point in your relationship you can talk to her.. and her weight gain REALLY BOTHERS YOU, maybe say something.. BE NICE.. but say something. I told my boyfriend to let me know when I'm gaining weight.. and he has.. and it was OK, because I told him to. Id rather have him tell me something then have someone I don't know say something about me. Plus, I WANT to look good for my boyfriend.

Make a decision, make a choice.. Do something that benefits the both of you...

I believe your lack of physical attraction is because your minds have become disconnected, and you are not going in the same direction. I think you have come to know she is not the person you thought she was and have learned more about her and things you really don't like. That's very typical of couples after a year and the honeymoon has faded to real life. I don't think its her weight as much as other areas of the relationship that are just not working for you.

Now you can encourage her to go with you for a physical, but if she wouldn't agree to be part of YOUR therapy, that doesn't sound promising at all. So what adjustments can you make. Stop doing her work for her and insist that she be responsible for her share of work in this relationship, or it simply cannot function. This requires some TACTFUL BRUTAL HONESTY on your part. Don't attack her weight, but do point out that you don't like the direction this is going, and ask for some changes that can help. She needs to know your expectations, hopes, and fears. And YOU need to know hers. In this way you can get on the same page, and evaluate whether this is really worth the time and efforts you put in and whether you both are willing to work together to resolve whatever issues you have with each other.

I think the main concern is you pressing to hard for changes that may take a while to sink in, think about, and for her to make up her mind how she can best work with you. This requires patience and paying attention, but you do have to lead by example with an understanding of what she can realistically do. The sex, or lack of it, and the weight gain, are but symptoms of greater problems in other areas of this relationship, which I see as lack of honest communications.

I define communications as not only talking, but listening and learning, so pay attention. She has been telling you for a while she is unhappy, but so are you. A very gentle yet direct approach is what's indicated, and then you can evaluate what works, and what doesn't. If the birth control she is using has such adverse effects, find out what can be done about it, if indeed it's a factor in all this, but you have to gather facts, to deal with the feelings you both have at this time.

I think knowing when and how to push, and knowing when to back off and change tactics are your best options for approaching this. She may get defensive, and emotional, but don't argue about it, but don't give up your view of things either, just step back, let the emotional dust settle, as giving your partner time to digest things is one of the most important parts of being able to communicate, and get on the same page, so start by getting to why she is unhappy, and what SHE WANTS TOO DO ABOUT IT!

Here's a question followed by a series of questions that I would like to pose to you and anyone else that may find themselves in a similar situation. Man to Man. Are you at all addicted to pornography? Even in the slightest way? Do you have sexual needs that you don't see your girlfriend can provide for you because her body type doesn't fit the sexual ideal that you have conceived in your mind as a satisfying sexual experience? How are dealing with your sexual urges if you're girlfriend isn't satisfying them for you?

Pornography addiction, even in the slightest is a very serious issue that poses a threat in many a once healthy relationship. I've had a very similar experience to the tale that you speak of. And it isn't until you challenge yourself to overcome this issue and rid your life completely of it, (IE. Deleting all of your pornographic material from your computer and external hard drives/DVD's without a single trace)that you can fully appreciate your woman for all the good qualities that she does bring to the table.

You can't say that you love your girlfriend 100% and that you're giving your relationship a fighting chance if you have a porn related option in your life. Truthfully speaking, it's the equivalency of cheating on her and with another woman, or a number of women. And the habit is extremely debilitating not only to your relationship but more importantly to how you view sex as a whole. It's not real and it's important for you to realize that it's not your fault if you are in fact a user of porn. It's just as addictive as smoking cigarettes and the industry that produces it is fully aware of that.

If you relate to anything I'm saying here, than please do yourself and all the women in your life a huge favor and be the bigger man, (no pun intended);) Don't submit to the ease of using porn as a replacement to making love to the woman in your life that deserves to be the object of your love. Save all of your sexual urges to be communicated and experienced by the both of you as a couple that is in love.

When you don't have the option, the escapism, you'll learn to be inspired by the things that she positive things that she does in your relationship. And you'll learn to respect the inadequacies that she has and you'll be motivated to help her with them and the pace that she is comfortable with.

Also realize that losing weight is not an automatic task for women. There are way more physical expectations that women face than we do on a daily basis. Reminding them of this by expressing our dissatisfaction is not helping the matter, it's only making them hate us and it's forcing deeper the emotional issues that go along with it. Often it takes 6 months for a stagnant woman to lose 5 pounds and up to a year to lose 10 pounds. The timeframes set out by Weight Watchers and SlimBand are just another deranged example of marketing in today's society. Yes, be supportive of her inadequacies, and yes provide her with positive reassurance along the way in the form of compliments.

It's a tall order to ask your girlfriend to lose weight for her own benefit and you need to exercise extreme patience. Extreme patience... otherwise you'll just end up pushing her away and worse you might push her to the point where she'll end up breaking up with you. Because you really do love her, you owe it to yourself and you owe it to your relationship with her to be 100% invested in all her faults and gains along the way. That's what a relationship is about. Shed the third-wheel, get rid of that mistress you have on the side. Be truly and fully committed to the woman you chose to be with a year ago and you'll see your own mental perception of sex change for the better. Trust me... I've been there. Good luck.

Leave her now. She is depressive and not creative. It is not your problem. I know this sounds rough, but it is not. You will be taken slowly down by her low energy and uncreative vibes and you will both tend towards intertia. Break the circle now, and the consequences are not your problem , provided you brekup with respect and tact. Good luck!

Reading these has made me laugh a little. I've been through similar issues with women I've dated. I feel like love is something that can easily cross lines of attractiveness, and honestly I don't think my parents have sex much at all and they have a wonderful relationship, but in the end, relationships that work are relationships that are mutually beneficial.

I've never dated a woman who was completely happy with her body (and I've dated some unbelievably attractive women) and I am a man so what would I know, but when I see a problem with myself I want to fix it. Even if I just sit there and play video games and eat **** which has happened before. And didn't make anything better. I've had my hand held for a long time by people who loved me and didn't want to see me sad who would tell me that I wasn't that bad or the best... "things will all fall into place one day, you'll see" who were unintentionally holding me back from being a better man and living up to the potential that they all thought they were protecting in me. And things will not fall into place. I am a bartender and student as well and I just served a beer to a guy the other day who just turned 64 and is living off food stamps and his friends because he never got it together. It is normal for us to want to protect someone like this so people help him all the time and now it's too late, but if it were possible to stop them from telling him that it's okay to get fired all the time and come up with excuses all the time and whatnot would he be stuck in this perpetual wheel of self rationalization? It is impossible to know but it would seem that he might have a better chance if people stopped babying him.

While the porn thing (blackdahlia) might help with the sex (it seems logical that if your only outlet left was a girlfriend then you'd be more appreciative sexually), it seems that the problem is bigger than that.

Some of the posts here have encouraged your idea that the problem is you, but our push to be nice guys all the time really clouds a thorough understanding of the big picture. The idea that you are not doing enough seems ludicrous from the picture you've painted. Your girlfriend is becoming less physically attractive, is messy, and can't get herself together which means she's a charity case. I don't think that you need to get over yourself at all. She seems to be bringing nothing to the relationship which turns it into an expensive babysitting job. Breaking up with her might force her to grow up a little bit.

I understand that it is amazingly hard to hurt someone you care about. There is no trick to ending a relationship like this just like there is not quick fix to becoming more attracted to your girlfriend. It sounds like the attraction is something that you're okay with talking about but the issue is a lot bigger than that and you're trying to find a way to maintain a relationship that is not good for you because of your feelings. I couldn't say but it would seem that these issues are only going to become more compounded and leave you with a stale unfulfilling, guilt inducing relationship where you kind of resent each other and then resent yourself for resenting her. Then you feel the moral obligations that Disney put on you as a kid (the happily ever after stuff doesn't just work, you have to work at it and it has to work at the same time, I know a lot of people and seriously I only know a few couples that I look at and think 'wow there is a relationship I'd be lucky to have'). There's a poem we analyzed by some Irish poet and I can't remember what his name is but he compares building a relationship to building a wall that you build with stuff that's real and stuff to fill in the cracks that are lies we tell each other and lies we tell ourselves and when all is done you have to pull the scaffolding off or whatever and see if you did a good enough job for it to stay up by itself. The metaphor pops into my head a lot don't know (just looked it up it's Heaney and it's called scaffolding he's pretty brilliant but I'm not that into poetry so maybe I just don't know *** I'm talking about).

I, like all other people have only had unsuccessful relationships excluding the current of course so perhaps it's not even worth looking at but here: I have always tested in the 99th percentile in standardized tests, I am not a genius but I am very clearly more intelligent than most people, conceited and confident, and I make friends easily. My girlfriend is none of those things. Which is why I thought at the beginning of our relationship that I should keep it physical because I didn't think that there was any real way of her bringing something of equal value to the table. But as our relationship progressed I began to really understand why I needed someone like her. She is loyal, grounded, responsible, wildly devoted and capable of maintaining goals that take years to accomplish. As much as she lacks in the strengths that define me, I am astoundingly worse in the second group. I have relied on being clever my whole life so much that I've never set goals or had to work hard for something I really wanted or felt the need to adhere to any sort of code of responsibility. And without her I still wouldn't. But without someone like her in my life I would be left a stunted version of the man I could be. This is how I feel a relationship should be. Being put into a situation like many people who are forced to trick themselves into thinking that they are happy with their choices (as a bartender and just from watching those around me, I see this stuff all the time you might be surprised at how normal it is for couples to resent each other and then remind themselves out loud that they are lucky to be with this person). I think that many people are dishonest with themselves to protect the feelings of those they love but I think that they are missing out on a more fulfilling life. And otherwise what's the point?

I, myself, am in somewhat the same situation. Forget all the feminists trying to make you feel guilty... that's why you've lasted this long in the first place. Forget the addicted to porno stuff as well as the birth control stuff.

Birth control may have some affect, but wasn't she on birth control before you and wasn't like that then?

Now, I'm addicted to sex. I watch porn because I'm addicted to sex and not getting real sex because I don't find my girlfriend attractive (and don't want to cheat) NO ONE IS ADDICTED TO PORN

"You should love her no matter how much weight"... BLAH BLAH BLAH-Shut the F up! We do and that's why we'll still here. Doesn't mean you should just lay there and not try to get the extra weight off. It arouses me to just see my woman try and exercise (usually one of the rare times we have sex). It's the NOT CARING part we HATE. Gaining weight is the physical part of what is unattractive. Picture walking into a messy house with a chunky person laying on the couch without a care in the world... EVERY DAY. Just laying there... laying there... LAYING ->THERE... RIGHT THERE.. 20something years old woman living like a preteen boy. Scratch that (I was being nice) LIKE A F*ING PIG!

That's our problem as men. We may be the most ruthless people to others outside our relationship, but we are so protective of our pride (relating to feelings and as a Lion's territory) that we sacrifice ourselves and feelings to protect it.

The only option I have found (and still postponing, myself) is leave. I found the same out about my woman and thought that it would change.. so here we are countless arguments, one child, 3br 2ba 2car garage house later (that I pay for alone, even though now she works and I only get military compensation) and she's still insisting there's something wrong with me... well, now I agree. So I'm leaving. Forgot to mention, my woman's also an "alcoholic" I put quotation marks because I'm a big drinker too (love it) but it always comes last to my family.

I'm keeping this site in my favs. Let us know how you did and I'll update mine also