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I love my girl but do you think I should just move on?
I've been with my girlfriend for two years. We split up for about a month in our first year, because I just couldn't be with her anymore. I loved her but there were little differences between us that just got too much for me. She's a caring and kind hearted girl but I felt our relationship was one sided, I seemed to be doing all the leg work in our relationship. There were things I thought I'd forgiven her for but that still irked me deep inside. For example, I was in hospital for 5 days and because she didn't want to leave the people at work short staffed, she never came to see me, even though my ex-girlfriend did. She also told me soon after I left hospital that she worried I wouldn't be able to take care of her because I was always ill, which didn't really help. So we broke up but got back together because I still loved her and missed her.
Roll on year two. We broke up again at almost exactly the same time as the year before. This time it was because I felt she didn't respect me as a man, she was selfish and inconsiderate with money and I just didn't feel she loved me. Examples, got her a few things for Christmas that set me back a bit, because I've just finished university, and she was angry with me because I didn't buy her a Christmas card. couldn't find a card with the right message so didn't get her one and I told her this but she wasn't having it. Felt a bit under-appreciated but just shoved it in a corner. Even though we make about the same and at times was too broke to pay she'd still make me pay for stuff as I'm the man. I skipped lunch at work so I could go see her early at her house. She was cooking food for her family but never offered me any and gave a packet of crisps and cheese and onion pasty. Then fell asleep on the couch leaving me to watch TV even though we hadn't seen each other that week. Didn't feel like she loved me, more the idea of me. The final straw was when she went on holiday with her mum, around Feb this year. I made efforts to call her every night but she never really spoke to me and was always gone after 2 mins even though it was costing me a fortune just to phone her. So I broke up with her while she was on holiday.
She phoned my family and asked them to make me take her back, saying she'd changed. I still loved her, so I did. She seemed to be more loving and has really changed but other things are still the same. She still expects me to pay for everything even after I've just spent huge amounts on other things and her. We went on holiday which is normally a 50-50 thing but she never paid me her half and still expects to pay for other things. I don't think she's attracted to me sexually. And even the kisses are lukewarm. We went on holiday and had sex twice. In three days. I'm 25 and have a high sex drive but she just isn't interested. She never cuddles me unless I make a move and we really seem more like friends than people in love.
I do love her but I'm not happy. I'm a good looking guy and I'm a really nice person and I think she only wants to be with me because there are not that many decent guys around. I hate saying I love you these days as I don't think I'm being too truthful. I'm not the perfect guy and I know I have my faults too but I don't want to be with her anymore. The problem is her family loves me and her mum has already accepted me as a future son-in-law. She talks about us getting married and I'm sure I could endure it but I don't want to be enduring marriage, it's for the rest of my life right?
What do I do? I don't want to hurt her and I do love her but I just feel like we are not right for each other. I'm just not sure how to go on.
Thanks. I think I'm just confused right now. At times I think I'm fine. Then at others, things are less clear.
These kinds of thoughts are the exact reason why you need to be on your own and work on yourself. Until you've given yourself enough time to heal from the break up, you shouldn't ben worrying about "what if's" or "is it possible that". Just focus on the healing process first.
I've never been the type to be hung up over a girl which is why this is new territory I guess. I normally heal very quickly. If something doesn't work, I cut my losses and sort of move on knowing I tried my best. But with my ex, she's still in my head.
My sister suggested I wrote a list about why I would go back to her and why I wouldn't, realised going back would be a mistake. But it's the fact that I have these moments that I just don't get. Shouldn't it be black and white? I miss her but KNOW I shouldn't go back, not these doubts that creep up on me. I guess I must have loved her and probably, at some level, still do but know I shouldn't be with her.
The other girl, I think, I've met at the wrong time. She's everything I would want in a girl but I'm not everything I'd want to be in a relationship. I just don't feel like me...
you say you just dont feel like yourself-I think you need some time to figure out who you are.
After a breakup its only normal to feel sadness and loss even if the relationship was not too great.i dont think its a great idea to not allow ourselves to grieve the end of a part of our life.
Be good to you-look after you and wait for quite some time before becoming emotionally involved again.
You need lots of time alone. Right now you are hurting your ex, your new girlfriend and most importantly yourself. You need to break it off with the ex and the girlfriend and explain to them in a thoughtful manner that you need some time alone.
The reason for having time alone is to appreciate yourself and you will much clearer for what you want in the future. Don't stay with any of them by telling yourself you're not going to find someone else, there is plenty of fish out there.
It's natural to miss someone after a breakup. It doesn't mean you belong together. If you really wanted to be with her you wouldn't have needed to be on a break to begin with. Couples that are commited to each other work through things, they don't walk way, in my opinion anyway.
I agree with the others. You don't belong in a relationship right now. The new girl would just be the rebound. Take some time for you to figure things out.
I think you're feeling sentimental for your ex. This is normal but it doesn't necessarily mean that you want to be with her again. This is what happens before you actually decide if you want to end it for good or go back (you're jittery). Because of this, I would suggest that you make the decision after you weather the storm of emotions you're being pounded by.
It's the rare couple (extremely rare, actually) that can get back together, start fresh and move forward without the same problems as before. I personally have never got back with an ex but from what I have seen from a few close friends who have done so, nothing really changes except the expectations that each party now have for their partners bahaviour. People don't really change (and if they do, the process takes a longer time than both parties are willing to endure). You can't change your personality towards a person by being away from them (especially in a romantic relation). This is something you need to do while you're around each other so you can go through the growing pains of change. This doesn't happen during time apart. This is why I think getting back with an ex doesn't work.
You said that this new girl would be good for you but the timing was off. Explain this to her and see what she says. I think the new girl or the quest for a new girl would be best. I wouldn't go back to your ex because of feelings of familiarity and comfort because it will bite you in the a-- eventually. You said that you weren't willing to take the step with the new girl but you are considering to take that step with your ex (again). This is why I feel you're going back for feelings of familiarity and sentimentality. Once you're in the mindset of the single man and can think clearly about what you want and expect your thoughts will be much more understandable and you'll be ready to take all the necessary steps in whatever relationship you do decide to pursue.
Wow! Thank you so much. This feels exactly like what I'm going through. I guess I do need to weather the emotional storm and then decide in the calm. That was awesome advice.
Wow! Thank you so much. This feels exactly like what I'm going through. I guess I do need to weather the emotional storm and then decide in the calm. That was awesome advice.
The only advice I can add to all of this is to remember that all of this will still be here any time you need to review it.
Any updates will get you more and probably clearer advice.
As you are finding out, jumping from one female to another is a disaster (and no fun at all).
You can't skip the healing process, and expect another to just fill the hole in your soul. It doesn't work that way, and its not realistic.
Get over the ex, and then I'll bet you don't even want her back. Then you will be ready to explore your other options, and opportunities, that life will present.
Only after you heal can you see the possibilities in another relationship, without the ex haunting your thoughts, and clouding your judgment.
Cdavison i'm going through the same thing as you are. my gf of 2 and half years cheated on me with a married man and still told me she wanted things to work out. I looked back and it seemed like i was doing most of the work in the relationship and there were so many times i wanted out and i was stressed out of my mind with her and trying to please a self centered girl. It was almost impossible to deal with. yes there are tiny moments where they do give you some happiness but when i look back most of it was me being stressed in trying to please her crazy ways. Now im a week in to NC and it has done wonders for me. Yes i still am curious about her and thinking about her but my outlook in life is much more different than the week after we broke up. Its a slow but sure process and i do believe time off being alone can help.
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