I've been dating a guy for 6 months knowing that he has some issues about being insecured and low self esteem from a previous relationship but i have accepted him for what he is. things were going great spent 4 days out of the week together consistently talk on the phone everyday 5 to 6 times a day. and decided one day to just up and leave without saying goodbye . 3 days later send me a text saying that he is tired of life and quit his job and took off to some place and he said that its not me that is the problem. just like that. not sure how to take this. email him to ask him why but would not give me a reason. just not sure what to make of this. how can i move on without knowing what the reason is for the break up

fredg

Hi,
As you said, he told you "it's me", not you.
You already knew he has issues with his mental health, to some degree, and you accepted him as he is.
Accepting someone "as they are" doesn't mean they will change just for you; it simply means they still have the same problems.
Let it go. If eventually he wants to get back in contact with you, he will tell you specific reasons why he left. If not, then get on with your life, and meet some new people.
Best of luck,
fredg

shenda

Sometimes in life, we suffer ourselves with wanting to know why? As if in our knowing, it will suffice to change to situation. We are a people that thrive on knowledge, for it is our source of power, influence, control, etc.; however, there are some times in our life, that knowing the specifics will not change the outcome because we do not have direct/indirect influence, nor is it within our power to alter a particular course set. We you stated that you accepted him, for the essence of who he is, then you also agreed to accept his sudden change of behavior because that is also a part of him. Your plight is one of prideful consideration, you are self-absorbed, which is not entirely a bad thing...somehow, you want to attribute a part of his action as a blatant reaction to something you have done/or did not do, as if, his actions are a direct/indirect reflection upon you...it is normal to consider such a point, especially when you seeming appear to be the last known contact...free yourself...you already know that before he met you, he had some issues wrestling about in his soul, issues that did not include or involve you...you met a man with pre-existing conditions who engaged in a furlow with you, with you he experienced a slice of the good life, one that required him to confront his previous issues as not to unduely explode upon you. He knows how good you are, and he does not want to taint you with his issues. This man is to be respected and honored for his true consideration of your overall well being. As to what you should do now...live and continue living. Sometimes people cross our pass for a season, these seasons are set in motion...remember that...sometimes we meet people and desire it to last forever; however, it is not meant to be so...it is during these times that we share of ourselves unreservantly, the object of attraction is shown themselves, that person has been given a chance to see themselves for who they are, and they must make a judgment call, as to what to do next,,,in light, you are also given a chance to see yourself, for who you really are..you see that you are able to embrace a person on the sheer merit of their core essence, unconditionally...this is good, it is liberating to know who you truly are...live with your perspectives in sight...he is not there...you now must make a judgment call and agree to the terms of that decision...you can wait on him, if that is your desire, but remember, this is your choice. However, if your essential core advises you to move on...agree with that voice for it never steers us wrong; however, if it encourages you to wait...do so. However, you are given the option to agree with your own true essence or rebel against it, in either case...this decision is yours to make and whatever shall follow...remember...the outcome, the fruit manifested was of your choosing to partake.

gigzy

thanks for your reply shenda. you couldn't have said it any better . and I understand exactly what you are saying but i guess where i have trouble moving on is that the whole time that we were together not once he has shown anything to me that would even make think that he can be such mean person to just take off and leave without saying why when up to the last day before he left he told me how much he loved me and cared for me.recievd an email from him today and all he said to me was . Sorry that he hurt me but we were done and for me just to remember the fun times.and once again he said its not me that i need to build a bridge and cross it.... and that I will always be his friend and will always remember but we cannot communicate anymore. and the whole statement that he said its like its a diffrent person talking ... I am just so baffled.Please I just need some help to get past this.

fredg

Hi, again,
The best way to "get passed" anything involving another person, is to meet new people.
Get out, be with others, join a group of some kind, go to church; anywhere you can be others.
Get involved in some activities.
It's easy when you get started with it; just getting started is the hard part. Take the first step.
Best wishes,
fredg

shenda

In All things we are presented with the known, the obvious, the superficial; however, the root of the matter does not surface easily, unless you are willing to be honest with yourself, even if it causes you to confront historical hurts, disappointments, etc....

You want closure, I agree with you, it is needed; however, there is this element present that has you second-guessing yourself..."He did not seem to be a mean person"...This is your judgment call concerning him, the fact that you felt secure-enough with his person, time spent together did not ignite any red flags...so what happened!

I do not know you, personally; however, from what is presented, you are a giver...of yourself, time and energy. You live for the moment, not wasting value time that can never be recovered or redeemed. You like pursuing things that have a favorable end; otherwise, why waste the energy. You are a person of value and you value people to the extent that you do not allow their past to taint their potential. Sometimes people just need another chance, especially, if presented with an optimal environment, advancement, growth made possible.

With this being said, closure will begin when you stop second guessing yourself...you could not have entertained every possible scenario that would have played out...in the door you understood that this man needed to feel love, the essence of who he is needs to be embraced; and yet he is a risky lover because you are not sure if he is ready to do what needs to be done, will he open up and trust you enough to get beyond the pain of his past...you were willing to be there for him, he knew that. He felt your love and compassion; however, he was not ready to confront the pains of his past with you...you are some kind of special, don't ever forget that. It takes genuine, true love to heal a wounded soul. You have given such to that man, he is grateful because he knows that he can't continue to live life on the run. It does not please him; however, neither one of us knows if he will properly guage his situation...will he remain the same due to familiarity, comfort with this pain or will he decide that the pain introduced for change is preferred above and beyond the pain of remaining the same. We hope for the latter, that this shall be his portion. As for you, a some kind of wonderful person, I need you to answer the same. You can't begin to start second-guessing yourself, kill this bug before it multiplies, you were not given all to adequately assess anyway...you had him in concentrated form, isolated quarter which equates to a small window of exposure....remember....any body can look good, behavior or present the optimal persona in a small window frame of time, it is not until that window of exposure enlarges that we are exposed to the true nature of the beast...sometimes we experience more pleasure, and yet there is room to experience disappointment and pain. I know that it will be strange brewing for you to keep a portion of yourself in reserve without feeling on edge; that is not your core nature; therefore, listen a little more intently to the words spoken by your next suitor; you have an hear to hear. If you are ready for the hind-sight laughter that awaits...go back to the beginning, hear every word he said and then become overtly aware of your own mind's heart...you will discover the trigger point...the red-flag, but you chose to overlook it. Once it is revealed to you; don't waste much time...answer the question it pose...Why were you willing, at the time, to overlook such...what need in you, at the time, did you hope to secure? Was it met...or does it still need to be feed? Why? This is your closure point. Dig deep.

Tony2005

Shenda, that was some impressive piece of advise. Hats off to you.

gigzy

thank you once again fredg . oh so true about taking that first step and getting statrted.I try to keep myself busy with work but when i go home starts all over again. I really appreciate all your advice.

gigzy

Shenda thank you so much and that is coming from the bottom of my heart. Tony is right very impressive . Honestly , Iv'e been reading fredg's and your responses over and over and trying to absorb and use it for the reason that it is very true and hoping I can have the courage to put it to practice. At my age 45 I have never been this hurt in my life. I was married for 25 years and been divorced for 3 years and this is my very first relationship after my divorce and just to get hurt.I know I am gonna get passed this . when ? I just don't know.I hope that I will have enough strenght to go on.
I know things happen for a reason and that we all live and learn. What a lesson for me.I sure wouldn't want to wish this on anyone.I know deep in my heart that I gave my all to this man unselfishy and willingly and to just waste it is so beyond me.Shenda you are so right about saying I am a giver and Always! All ways ! willing to help and very suportive . I will work on this advices presented to me. wish me luck and i will keep you posted...

s_cianci

In this case, you'll just have to move on without knowing. This guy obviously has some serious issues and when he says that "you're not the problem" he's being truthful and it's probably the one truthful thing he's ever said to you. He sounds like a real basket case who's hardly worth losing any sleep over. Don't torture yourself and rob yourself of the happiness that is rightfully yours by allowing yourself to become obsessed over something that's so irrational that it defies verbal explaination.