I meet the girl of my dreams at about this time last year and we end up going out for six bliss filled months. We take it slow and cautious, waiting to have sex, waiting to pop the love word for several months, but when we do commit it's something sudden, simultaneous and totally amazing. For the last three of those six months she's with me she basically lives in my house and we even manage to go on a dream vacation to New York City together (despite a limited college budget), no sex the whole damn time, just her and I being with one another and being happy.

I've emphasized the slowness on becoming sexual in our relationship, but when we did go all the way there is no doubt in my mind that it was the best either one of us has ever experienced on that front. It was special and spectacular.

It comes to the end of these six months and she's going off to study in Hong Kong for a year while I stay here in the States all by my lonesome. Before she goes, she tells me she wants to work it out, to make things last between the two of us despite the distance. She tells me I'm her other half and that she'll love me forever - I feel the same way.

Two months later, as we're on the phone, she says that even though I can work it out to be around after I graduate to be near for her final year she doesn't want me there, so she can focus more on her schooling. She also says that after she graduates she wants to go abroad to Germany for a year to live the life out there and despite the fact that monetarily speaking it will be difficult for me to join her for more than weeks at a time (she's from a higher class than myself in terms of wealth). I say I need to think about things.

I do and decide that I can wait through anything for her. She has thought otherwise and dumps me over the phone. We start out promising to meet each other at the end of it all and reignite things, but that wears and she starts to dodge contact. I try to talk to her once a week, send one or two emails a week, but she begins to find reasons not to respond. I get angry and call her on it and she says that she needs space.

Months pass, we try to be friends despite my negative feelings over being dumped, and she says she'll call me on my birthday. I mention that I work early that day but she forgets and calls early anyway and we end up rescheduling the talk for later. I mishear the day and end up getting unbelievably drunk the night she calls (a night sooner than I expected) and end up chewing her out over the phone, calling her dishonest and shallow. I remember none of this conversation for being so drunk, so it's her word I'm taking on this stuff. She reveals she's seeing another guy during this talk (the one thing I do remember) but I still write and apologize the next day.

She writes back saying she never wants to speak to me again. despite this, we chat off and on over the internet through course of a few months, but I sense her reservations and write a letter saying that while I don't understand why she did what she did, I still want to be friends and will not ask her back (something she said was a breaking point during the time we were attempting to be friends before, something that bothered her greatly) despite my feelings. She ignores me and has done so for a month since, ignoring one additional email and another message wishing her a merry Christmas.

I still love her. I still feel that the two of us were as perfect as a couple can be. What am I supposed to make of her actions? I can't help but feel that if we were once again face to face things would be fabulous. But I can't convince myself to sit on my butt and hope for the best to come my way - it seems foolish not to get back into the mix and move on. Yet I worry for her desperately and wish her back. Day by day it gets easier to live without her, but all the same I know we'd still be good together. What should I do? Respond in kind and pretend she doesn't exist? Persist in what I think would be best for both of us?

Sorry for writing so long, but it's something I needed to flesh out completely. Thanks for anyone who read all this garbage and bothers to respond - I greatly appreciate it.

talaniman

Move on and get a life you enjoy without her.

chuff

Part 1 of 2


Key words…”Your dreams” not hers.


Was this the first time a girl told you she loved you? The reason I ask is because that is how it feels the first time you hear it. Since then I’ve never described it that way. That being said maybe you just like the idea of being in love as opposed to being in love with her.


Did you pay for that vacation?


It was the best you experienced. Don’t speak for her.


All by your lonesome? Focus on something else. Loneliness is a feeling. Change that feeling.


Oh a back up plan and perhaps someone that will send her gifts. At the very least a nice, cordial good bye.


Am I too understand this is after 6 months?


Yep. Don’t blame her. If I had the chance to study in Hong Kong I wouldn’t want any distractions either. Plus it’s hard to date other people if your there.


Wow. You did not get the message. She was telling you that in an attempt to get rid of you by putting the blame on you. It was a convenient way for her to lose you and still save face for herself.


Well, yeah. Like I said she was hoping you’d see that you can’t afford her, and you happen to live on the other side of the planet, so she gave you the nice send off. Your so far gone you still didn’t see it. Since you didn’t an old fashioned dumping had to take place.


You mean she dodges a guy on the other side of the planet that can’t get over her. In a sense you are stalking her with attention. You are needy. You are desperate. Her saving grace seems to be the ocean at this point.


She doesn’t have too. She doesn’t owe you anything. She’s tried to be cordial and you keep pushing it. Why should she respond?


Obviously! Stop and think about that. You had a woman on the OTHER SIDE OF THE PLANET tell you she needs space. Isn’t that a wake up call? If you were in the same city I fear that you would stalk this woman.


She didn’t forget. She was hoping that you wouldn’t answer. Come on. For the love of God don’t you see every hint she’s throwing at you?


Again, another attempt to call you when she though you’d be busy.


So she tells you this so that once again she has an out to not speak with you.


As she has been doing for some time.

chuff

Part 2 of 2, I went over the 10000 word limit.



Really, well I came up with several reasons. Lets see they are;
1. Because she lives on the other side of the planet.
2 She has goals that are not in line with your own.
3. Your needy.
4. Your pushy.
5 You don’t give her time to herself.
6. Your hung up on a 6 month relationship.
7. You have stalker like qualities.
8. You put her on a pedestal.
9. She can have you any time she wants you.


Why? What do you get from this friendship? She isn’t interested. She tried to be friendly and you pushed too hard.


I don’t blame her. I would too. Your stalking her through the phone, email, text, mail, I’m almost surprised you haven’t gotten on a plane and flew to Hong Kong. If it wasn’t for the lack of a passport, I bet you would have though.

How do you not get this. SHE’S NOT INTERESTED! It’s over. It’s been over for awhile. Her best friend right now the Pacific ocean. If not I’d swear you’d be at her place waiting for her every day.


She doesn’t love you. In fact she doesn’t even like you. Why would she? You’ve done everything to chase her away.


Are you out of you mind? You went out for 6 months. She’s seeing someone else. She’s given you every chance to back off. She’s not interested. It was just a 6 month fling. Feelings are high for the beginning. She moved and then she moved on. There are 3 billion women in the world. The one you obsess with is on the other side of the world. You’ve got 3 billion other women to get to know. One of them is sure to like you at first. But if you don’t change you behaviors you’ll drive them away. Just like this one.


Dude, re-read your post as though I wrote it. What would you tell me? I seriously can’t understand how you’ve missed every single hint and flat out words that she’s told you. She’s done. She’s not interested.


What are you basing that on?


I agree. Move on. But before you do work on your desperation and neediness. Those repel women.


Why? She doesn’t worry for you.


No. No you wouldn’t. She can’t be free to be herself and you can’t but help latch onto her.


Quit all contact now. No more Christmas, not New year’s, no nothing. If you want a woman than starting acting like a man and quit this nonsense. A woman wants a strong, independent, and focused man. You offer none of those at this time. You can. You’ve got it in you. You’ve just got to develop it. When you do then you should start dating again.


She doesn’t. She’s in China. Guess what there are a billion people in China. She’s gonna meet someone new.


What you think is the best is not. She knows it. I know it. Hopefully you stop all contact, and some day you too will know it.


Long ones are my specialty. Writing it all out can really help. Don’t apologize for that. Hopefully by writing it out you were able to see some of the things that’s going on here. If not, reread your original post and take yourself out of it. Put me in there. What would you say to me.




Look man, your emotional. I’m an emotional person too so I understand that sometimes this is harder for us being males we tend to act like female in that regard. But you’ve got to understand this relationship you have is not healthy. I’m not talking about her and you, but the relationship you have with yourself. It sound’s like this was your first attempt at love, which if is the case the first break ups are hard to figure out. But that being said, I’m worried for you future when a break up occurs and she lives in the same city. How are you going to react then? You really got to find out why your so dependant on someone and then change that behavior. You’re a smart guy so you can do it but the first step is to walk away from this and focus on college. In a few months when the wears off you can look back and figure out where you went wrong.

Geoffersonairplane

Well,

My only advice is for you to re-read everything Chuff has wrote which in my opinion is absolutely spot on!!

Nice one for writing that Chuff..

talaniman

Excellent analysis again chuff, LMAO, when you went over the limit. I will never understand why these guys can't see the handwriting on the wall, but If its the first time I guess thats a hard thing to see coming.

LBP

Your words are odd because I've always considered myself a lone wolf and kind of prided myself on giving her space, part of the reason we worked so well together. I'm not really a pack it in kind of guy - I get out and enjoy life. I have lots of friends and such, etc etc. I mean I got straight As, dated other girls, hit the town on a regular basis, wrote a book and got two new jobs this past quarter... I'm a good looking, articulate guy and getting women has never been an issue for me. But this one was special. It's not like I'm sitting around in Mopetown all day. This girl was my best friend and I wanted to save that for the future.

I'm trying to be her friend because I want to move on rationally. I don't want her back because I know I can't trust her anymore. The reason I wanted to make room for life in the future with her was because we had often talked about this before she left. I just wanted to know if I was doing the best thing, accepting the fact that she doesn't want to be friends. Apparently so, because I guess I'm a stalker!

I have a passport, too... And just recently saved enough money for a trip to Hong Kong... Instead, I spent it on a trip to London to visit another friend...

But, you guys are the experts. All contact has basically been cut all ready, so there it goes... I mean, we haven't spoke on the phone in three months (though I have once or twice tried to convince her to arrange a time when we could, so that I can show her that there's no hard feelings and I just want to be buddies like we used to be)... But her friends are my friends, so this will be an issue in the future.

LBP

Oh, yes, it seems I didn't make it clear - when I said I could be around for her last year, that's one that's gonna be in the states and not in Hong Kong. That's just this year.

talaniman

By your own words you should focus on you and leave her alone. I think we all can agree on that.

chuff

That's all well and good. I'm sure you are all of those things that you describe. Look O.J. Simpson was good looking, rich, famous, and could have his pick from a large pick of women. But he got stuck up on one. By his own administion he stalk his ex wife. By his own admistion he used to park his car outside her house and wait for her. By his own adminstion he used to spy into her windows. Those are the things he ADMITTED too. Let's be real, despite the fact he says he didn't kill her I think we pretty much know otherwise. That is where those behaviors lead too ultimately if you can't stop them or control them. OJ Simpson didn't have to fight for any womans attention. I'm using this extreme example to show you that anyone can get hooked up or caught up in this emotional rollar coaster. If it can happen to someone rich, famous, good looking, and with a ample supply of women then it can happen to anyone.


Rationally let her go would be the thing to do. She' gone. You yourself said you haven't talked for 3 months. It was a 6 month relationship. You weren't married. You didn't have a lot of time invested in this. It's over. I realize you thought she was different but she's also gone.


You are. This is the best thing for you though. You can't leave her alone. You got to move on.


Reread your original post. Pretend that's me talking and tell me you don't get stalker from that. I'm going to repeat this for you....A WOMAN ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE PLANET EARTH TOLD YOU SHE NEEDS SPACE. That's a wake up call.


I know you did. I knew when I wrote that, that you were planning to fly and see her. Everything you wrote lead to that. I'm guessing she somehow stopped you from coming or you started to realize that if you went she was going to avoid you.



LBP that is stalking behavior. You, the man, should never have to convince her, the woman, that there are no hard feelings. You show it by your actions. Your actions should not be bothering her about a 6 month relationship. If none of this had taken place and you dropped her an email around this time of year saying Merry Christmas that would be one thing. But it's too late now.


It will be an issue because you want it to be. It will be an issue because you can't let it go. I've worked with ex's and you know I don't talk to them at work. I don't bring that to work. Sometimes you might say hello but other than that it's over. I don't do that to be mean, I don't do that out of spite, I do it for my own emotional health.

You don't bring that to your friends. I'm telling you if you do you'll drive them away too. If they bring her up, just say, "Good for her, I'm happy for her" and change the subject.