Not sure what to think

You're not going to like my advice, but here goes anyway:

1. Get yourself financially independent. NO ONE should be forced to stay in a relationship because of money.

2. Break up with both of them, and figure out who the heck YOU are. You don't love either of them enough to choose--what makes you think you love either of them enough to spend the rest of your life with him? Go be single. Live in your own place. See who you want to see, when you want to see them--but do not commit to ANYONE.

Well I am financially independent....now. But; my boyfriend was the one who got me the job, and he knows a few "recreational activities" that could make me lose my job, if my employer tries to test me. He threatened to tell them if he feels that I am "playing" him. So that is what I mean. This is not only a personal issue, but a financial one as well.

If the other guy goes to him, I am afraid of what my boyfriend will do in regards to me and my job. I just moved on my own a little over a month ago. This is why I am so concerned about this situation, and am trying to find a way to keep both happy until I figure out what to do.

If both weren't so into retaliation for feeling "played", this would make it easier. I can't seem to get across that I am not trying to play, I just have been confused as well. Both are good guys, but a little on the crazy side as well, and I didn't know the extent until recently...

If he knows recreational activities about you--don't you have the same on him?

You could also go to HR before you break it off with him and let them know that he has threatened to make things difficult at work if you break things off with him, and you wanted to be pre-emptive on ensuring your job is secure.

Better get completely clean, THEN make some decisions.

Out of curiosity, though--why would you want to be with someone who is blackmailing you?

I know what you are saying...but its hard because I know the threat wasn't malicious, he was just really hurt, and I know because I have felt that way, and wanted to mess up a person's life for hurting me. I am just saying that I knew how he was feeling. As far as the recreational activities, he never liked me doing it, but he said I would have to stop by the end of the month because he wants to marry me. He doesn't do it himself.

This is all so new to me because I have always been on the opposite end, that is why I guess I am more empathetic towards both people's feelings. I have been hurt many times myself as well, and that's why this situation is so hard

So its okay to use people for your benefit and not be loyal to either, so your still dependent on them both to continue this charade that you think is normal.

You are playing both of these manipulative fools, and they are playing you.

Its the very old story of using, and being used, and the ONLY healthy solution is to be without both, and stop avoiding the consequences of your actions. You will only get mired deeper in this BS, if you continue on your present course of deceit, and avoidance.

Well, just to update:

The guy I thought I had feelings for came down over the weekend and confronted my boyfriend. He showed him everything that we did, text messages and phone conversations. He called all of his friends and told them the things he did to me, said I was a whore, and not fit to be with. He really hurt me...

Then yesterday he called to apologize and told me he did it because he loved me and he always had( after 8+years of turning me down), and he did it so my boyfriend wouldn't talk to me anymore. He said he did all of it out of emotion, because he felt rejected . He said that he knows that I love him, and he loves me. I just couldn't believe what he did because he always would assure me that I could feel comfortable with him, and he wouldn't judge me or talk about the things we did together; and he was my best friend.

Anyways, I told him that if he cared about me he should leave me alone, and call and apologize to my bf( who I am currently really going through this painful situation with), which he did. He said he would stay away from me and love me from afar if that is what I wanted. I said yes.


So I guess the 9 year saga with him is over, and I feel a little relieved because its done; but I find myself missing the guy I thought he was and the bond that I thought we had. But, I don't miss the real him, now that I know the type of person he is.

Okay, so I am writing because I want to know what I should do. This story has been going on for a few years now, but new stuff just keeps popping up. I happened to be stumped again so I am looking for advice. This guy who I thought was my ....bfwb ( best friend with benefits; or so I thought) for about 7-8 years. He never wanted to be with me until I got with my current boyfriend, and after he broke up with his after 1 year( or so I thought, now I know it isn't true)

Anyways he decided to bust me out and get really dirty with it, and is basically slandering my name around town, my boyfriend, and anyone who knows him, simply because I assume I am not on his string anymore. I call it that because up until a couple of weeks ago I really believed that we were bf's due to our talks, the things he said, the way he was giving me advice about my relationship.

Anyways, it is a long story, but I am trying to figure out what I can do to stop his behavior. I told him that I did not want to talk to him anymore and to give me space if he truly cares about me like he said. I thought it was done. Now I am seeing that he is going around talking about me, slandering my name, etc. It really hurts because I thought he was my true friend.

The reason why I do not want to call him is that he is so effing fake and manipulative that he would probably tape and save our conversation, and then try to expose me in some way. But at the same time, although my boyfriend said he will handle it, I want to confront him and say my piece. But due to the whole fiasco I do not want to go behind my bf's back because I know it will come back to blast me, and I will look like a liar again. But the stuf he is saying is disgusting, defaming my character, and making me more and more angry. What can I do?

Harshness warning

Seems you are caught between two BFWB, one (so called) a boyfriend with benefits, the other a (so called) best friend with benefits. Just pointing out facts after merging, and rereading your posts.

His (THE EX?) behavior is terrible, and that's a given, but you really have to see that your own actions and behavior through all of this was a really big contributing factor in this whole mess.

"The chickens have come home to roost", and "the sh1t is hitting the fan".

Lets keep it real here, as the past guy has PROOF, so its not all about the slander you think it is, and has chosen to let the world know, for his own revenge. Doesn't make it right, but it still has to be handled. Its over, except for the hell to pay, as light has been shed on the darkness.

At some point you will have to stop floating along, and stop the using, and being used, waffling between the two guys (well that's has been resolved though) and get an independent life, away from all this emotional, unhealthy drama, and rebuild from scratch, a more healthy way of living. You do need time alone away from both guys to get your head together, as even though you want an easy way out, there is NONE, and the consequences of YOUR past behavior has caught up with you.

Or you will continue to drown in your own sh1t!.

This is probably going to be harsh, too.

Why didn't you think about what might happen before you started playing games? Anyone who cheats knows the rules of the game and what can happen. Did you really think you would get out the mess without paying the price? It sounds like you should be glad there wasn't a tape or pictures made.

What can you do, now? Go completely NC with the (lack of better term) ex. Ignore him completely and work on rebuilding your relationship with your boyfriend. If anyone asks, tell them that you are working with your boyfriend to rebuild your relationship and that is all anyone else needs to know.

Sorry, but you are going to have to weather this storm and hope it stays a tempest instead of turning into a hurricane.