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I've liked this girl (we're both in our early twenties) for almost a year now, but the entire time she had a boyfriend (for 1 year and a half). We live 2 hours drive away, but her boyfriend lives in the same city. I have no idea how they are doing, but it is her first boyfriend.
For the past year, we've kept in touch pretty well. We talked on the phone at least once a week for a few hours. We emailed every second day. And when I'm in town, we would go out just the two of us.
A few weeks ago I told her how I felt. Basically, to summarize the important parts of the conversation, I said: "I really like you, but I know you have a boyfriend, so I tried so hard to fight off the feelings but I just can't." She said: "I don't know what to say, but thank you for telling me"... and then we hung up.
It's been 3-4 weeks now and we did not really speak much since that day. I've been giving her space and time to digest what I said and hopefully she will say something back.
Then, two days ago, I couldn't take it and I called her up. We just talked like normal and then I asked her if she was free this weekend. I just wanted to hang out with her, I was not planning to bring up my feelings for her. She said she might go out of town. But if she is in town, she will let me know. I find out tonight.
At this moment, this is exactly how I feel and what I want to say to her:
I am the type of person who would go after what I want. I do not sit around and wait for something to happen.
But I also know that sometimes, there are restrictions beyond my control. For example, it does not matter how I feel about you, the fact remains that you have a boyfriend.
I respect that and I really hope that you are happy. But there is so much I want to say and do but I cannot. I cannot even tell you how much I like you or even why I like you.
At first, I wanted to know how you feel about me too. But since you have a boyfriend, it is better if you do not say anything. I do not want to ruin your relationship.
Because I know that nothing can happen between us, I feel so much pain. Part of me wants to stay friends with you because I rather you be part of my life than nothing at all. But at the same time, staying friends with you will remind me of the pain.
Obviously I cannot say 90% of those things. What do I do?
I know the reality is that I have to move on. Here's an analogy of how it feels. It feels like I will fail an exam because I am not allowed to show up. I won't even get a chance to write the exam. I know that I should have dropped the course, but I missed the deadline. It's too late to drop, I like her too much.
That is why it is so painful. I know that I have to keep my distance because she has a boyfriend and I do not want her to break up with him to be with me, cause obviously I will not be able to trust her.
In a perfect world, she would break up with him naturally, I would wait a few months to be sure that she is over him and then make a move. But life's not always fair.
I think I've thought of nearly every possibility and considered all the consequences. So the reason I posted this question is because I was wondering if I missed something out.
It sounds like she is avoiding you and doesnt want to blatantly say " no i dont want to do anything with you". My guess is she will say she is busy this weekend.
This is only a guess but if that's the case it's time to forget about her (as more than a friend... or altogether if that will be too hard).
You took a chance, she knows how you feel and obviously doesnt want to keep seeing you right now. If something happens with her bf in the future at least she knows how you feel.
Having said that she will most likely start seeing you again as a friend some time in the future, just keep giving her space i guess.
That is why it is so painful. I know that I have to keep my distance because she has a boyfriend and I do not want her to break up with him to be with me, cause obviously I will not be able to trust her.
In a perfect world, she would break up with him naturally, I would wait a few months to be sure that she is over him and then make a move. But life's not always fair.
I think I've thought of nearly every possibility and considered all the consequences. So the reason I posted this question is because I was wondering if I missed something out.
Moving on is the easy way out...
Like you said..in a perfect world but reality is a whole other ball game.
Moving on is not always easy and it is hard to have your hopes dashed but since you have considered all possible scenarios,I think you are in a good position to move on.
Best of luck! You sound like a nice guy with a good sense of morality!
What you said is probably true. I think I've thought of nearly every possibility and considered all the consequences. So the reason I posted this question is because I was wondering if I missed something out.
In Smallville there was a scene where Clark said: "Loving is a really hard. But hating is ... clean." In this case, instead of hating it would be "moving on" which I say is the easy way out, but I guess it is also my only choice?
I just wish that there was something more that I can do that I haven't thought of.
That is why it is so painful. I know that I have to keep my distance because she has a boyfriend and I do not want her to break up with him to be with me, cause obviously I will not be able to trust her.
In a perfect world, she would break up with him naturally, I would wait a few months to be sure that she is over him and then make a move. But life's not always fair.
I think I've thought of nearly every possibility and considered all the consequences. So the reason I posted this question is because I was wondering if I missed something out.
Moving on is the easy way out...
I think you answered it all yourself here , I don't think there's anything wrong with letting her know how you feel , you've done that now so all you can really do is sit back and wait. You can't help the way you feel but you can control your actions.
But like you say if she does breakup with her BF let her have a few months to get over the emotional turmoil. You don't want to end up being her rebound.
A year of just hanging out sends the signal that you are a friend and she likes that...
You needed to hit on her a bit some time and then back off to respect the boyfriend - but let her know where you stand ------ about a year ago:-)
but hey, life is not a straight line...for now, you've said your piece. lesson learned. And I hate to say this but if she got wind you were going out with someone else (even if a casual date) it would at least force her to think about you as more than a friend ad that she better think twice -
i'd back way off and be super cool when you all do talk etc. but i'd look for a girl that can be are girlfriend for now...
I heard from her tonight. She said that she's not available on the weekend. But I'm in town for business on Wednesday and she said that she'll will most likely be able to see me that day.
Should I have that follow up conversation on my feelings for her or just spend a pleasant day?
Leave her alone for now unless you can commit to just being friends...that's what "hanging out" is all about.
If she is a cool girl, maybe that's enough for now.
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