Last Saturday I asked my boyfriend of four turbulent years to move out. I've finally forced myself to do it since it was apparent he was never going to get over his fear of commitment and I want a family at some point. He knew this and had always said we "would" get married, but after four years and not even a plan for the future, I had to finally cut my losses.
Now my question is: why do I want him back so much it's hard to breath? I know he's bad for me and my future, but I still love him and want him. Is it because I can't have him?

bEaUtIfUlbRuNeTtE

You want him back because you have invested four years of your life to this one man.

I don't blame you.

I don't know why your saying you can't have him because you can. Remember, you broke it off, not him.

workedtoohard

beautifulbrunette- you don't know what you are talking about. Trust me she made the right move. I know a girl who waited 8 years for a guy to marry her. Guess what? They ended up breaking up becaues he wouldn't marry her and he married someone else 6 months after breaking up! Guess he wasn't so afraid of getting married! If he loved her, he would have married her. The problem is you want what you can't have and that ends up making people stay in bad relationships for long periods of time. I know all about that (me staying in a bad relationship). He stayed around out of COMFORT. Good move for you, squeaks77! Such powerful logic over emotion leaves me in awe.

N0help4u

It is not that you want what you can't have but that as beautifulB said you invested 4 years with him and you must of cared very much for him. Even women who leave abusive guys miss them very much for sometimes a very long time.
If he isn't even trying to get back with you then I would say workedtoohard may be absolutely right.

losingit77

God, I'm in almost the exact same situation...and its driving me crazy. Your heart and your head want 2 different things. I can't figure out which one to listen to either. I don't want to have any regrets either way so I've been in limbo for the past 2 week. I'm having one last conversation with my ex this weekend...so we'll see how that goes.

talaniman

Its so hard to overcome an emotional investment, especially when you thought it was going to last and fulfill your dreams. But realising you weren't going in the same direcytion you had the strength to end it. Good for you. You still have to deal with the emotional fallout, as 4 years is a big investment. Its not a matter of wanting what you can't have, you just wanted more than he was willing to give.

bEaUtIfUlbRuNeTtE

I don't know what I'm talking about? I think you misread what I wrote. I NEVER said she didn't make the right move. She asked 'Why do we want what we can't have?' I was stating that she was the one who broke it off, so who's says she can't have the guy?

How do you know this guy was staying around for comfort? He could've really loved her, but didn't want to fully commit yet, which is understandable for young men. A lot of women like the idea of settling down with the 'right one.' Now to a lot of men, that is scary. You shoud research 'psychology on men and women,' and then 'men and commitment.'

We don't know if this guy will go and marry the next woman he falls in love with in three months, so don't assume that just because a man won't get down on his knees and propose right away, doesn't mean that he's only looking for something better. BUT 8 years is quit a long time though. It was probably like they were married but didn't have the ring and certificate, right?

To the OP, whatever you think is best for you, then go for it! Remember that men and women have very different views when it comes to marraige. Do you think that you were possibly pressuring him? I know 4 years seems like a long time and it is to be with someone, but unless you know for sure, 100%, that he wasn't going to marry you, then yes you are wasting your time. Something tells me that you weren't 100% sure though.

squeaks77

Thanks for all your responses. I should have mentioned I'm 29 and he's 34, so it's not like we're just out of high school :-)

bEaUtIfUlbRuNeTtE

OHHH...

Then that changes A LOT!

I thought maybe you guys were both in your mid 20s, but NOOO. I would think by now that this guy would want to settle down. For crying out loud he's almost 40!

Never mind what I said before (above) because that is more for younger people like 20-25

Smoked

I am torn here..On one hand I think you made a good decision. You defined where you wanted the relationship to go. You obviously loved/love him very much.

I wonder though, if you truly love someone and they have an apparent fear of something. Commitment being one of them. Did you try to seek council? What are the steps you took to take the relationship to the next level?

I only ask because I have seen girls who are mad because their significant other won't take the next step. What did they do to help the process. Nothing...Just sat there for years waiting for them to make a move. People are creatures of habits and take comfort in habitual behavior.

If you truly love him and he truly loves you, do everything in your power to make it work. If he loves you the same, he will reciprocate those feelings and actions. If he doesn't then he has defined the relationship as clearly as you did when you left him.