Question of trust.

NCDad · Jan 5, 2011, 05:26 AM

I have been dating a woman for 4 months. The relationship has been very intense (in a good way) from the beginning. She works a lot out of town and up until recently we were together most every day when she was in town. Over the holidays we were able to spend a couple of weeks together. Towards the end of this time she became withdrawn and distant. We get along well and have yet to have an argument. I questioned her withdrawal and she said she realized she needed more time alone. I told her I understood, thinking she meant a day or two, but she has since admitted she thinks our relationship has moved to quickly and she thinks we should slow it down and only see each other a couple days a week. For the next month she has some down time and wants to go to her beach house which is 5 hours away. I was looking forward to spending this time together with her, but her new revelation has really shook me up. I love her dearly and want her to be happy, at the same time I want to see her and spend time with her while she is available. She has assured me it has nothing to do with us and she has no desire to see anyone else... What does her revelation mean?...What should I think?....How should I react?

jmjoseph · Jan 5, 2011, 05:36 AM

Tell her that her wish is her command. But let her know that you don't want to be put on a shelf only to be taken down whenever SHE feels like playing.

Maybe she IS getting cold feet because the relationship has taken off so fast.

It also could be that she is getting a cold HEART.

If it's meant to be, then it will be.

Good luck to you.

lvgmng · Jan 5, 2011, 07:33 AM

Moving too fast in any relationship could cause desastrous results. She may have realized this and wants to take a step back and breath. Give her the time she is asking for. We all need time and space from time to time.

You did say that you have spent all her free time together. When has she had some space for herself. I get the impression you have your own space when she is out of town...when does she get hers? Everyone even the most loving relationships needs time to do their own thing. It doesn't mean they love you less.

Crowding her too much will only push her away.

NCDad · Jan 5, 2011, 07:46 AM

Being out of town is the same for her as it is for me, time apart. In our normal routine, when she is in town she is at home while I am working, so this is her time as well.

kctiger · Jan 5, 2011, 07:58 AM

It's only been 4 months. That is a short amount of time to be spending all of your free time together. Personally, I want some "me" time once in awhile. It keeps things sane. I don't think she is being cold hearted or out of line by saying she doesn't want to spend every spare minute with you. You each should have your own life, which involves hanging out with friends or having personal time without each other. Give her some room and take advantage of this room to do things on your own. 4 months is awfully quick to be in love also. I think you both should slow it down a tad.

I think this is being made into a bigger deal than it really is. What ever happened to dating to have FUN? No need to turn it into some drawn out soap opera. Let things progress naturally and have FUN!

LightCross · Jan 5, 2011, 08:00 AM

There are two things came in mind when I heard the story. One being , the 'the relationship being too fast' thing, she must be having some reasons to say that,which ofc you should find out but ofc don't push her to spill out the answer just let her answer naturally and ask at the right time .

The second thing that came in my mind is 'honeymoon period'. In a relationship early stage tend to be fresh, new and very passionate stage where two couples still REALLY eager to each other thus it is called honeymoon phase. How long this phase lasts depend on the people who into the relationship and yeah when the phase ends it is when the real relationship begins,you have been with this girl for 4 months so obviously the honeymoon stage aka the 'eagerness' between you two must be starting to fade abit.

Anyway for now just like above posters said you should listen to her request and give her space and time,keep in touch with her but don't do it to frequent, assure her that you want to be with her step by step and if she thinks it is too fast for her you can slow down the pace abit for her

NCDad · Jan 5, 2011, 08:14 AM

Ok, a little more info, we both dove into the relationship head first and she was already talking about getting maried later this year. I wasn't sure about that but didn't dismiss it either. Again, up until the holidays, we spent between 3 to 4 days a week apart, so there was plenty of alone time. This should resume once her work schedule resumes after January. I have agreed to her request. As of now the best way I can describe our relationship is casual but exclusive. I want to give her the space she has requested, but I don't feel the relationship can go on this way indefinitely. I am willing to try this for a while, but if she still needs this kind of space in a few months, I will have to move on as I want and need a more traditional relationship.

This really sucks! I have a constant knot in my stomach. How do I go from a full blown, loving, devoted, relationship to casual but exclusive? She is going to be gone for the next 3 - 4 weeks doing her thing, whatever that is, at her beach house, while I am here at home doing nothing! I don't really have any single friends to hang out with, I don't want to go out alone and I can't see anyone else because we are still exclusie...HOW DOES THIS WORK?

lvgmng · Jan 5, 2011, 10:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by NCDad

I have been dating a woman for 4 months. The relationship has been very intense (in a good way) from the beginning. She works a lot out of town and up until recently we were together most every day when she was in town. Over the holidays we were able to spend a couple of weeks together. Towards the end of this time she became withdrawn and distant. We get along well and have yet to have an argument. I questioned her withdrawal and she said she realized she needed more time alone. I told her I understood, thinking she meant a day or two, but she has since admitted she thinks our relationship has moved to quickly and she thinks we should slow it down and only see each other a couple days a week. For the next month she has some down time and wants to go to her beach house which is 5 hours away. I was looking forward to spending this time together with her, but her new revelation has really shook me up. I love her dearly and want her to be happy, at the same time I want to see her and spend time with her while she is available. She has assured me it has nothing to do with us and she has no desire to see anyone else... What does her revelation mean?...What should I think?....How should I react?

Let her have this time to herself. While she is gone reconnect with some of your friends and find things to do that you enjoy doing on your own. If you can't stand to be alone with yourself why should anyone else want to be alone with you?

Cat1864 · Jan 5, 2011, 10:55 AM

lvgmng, please review the rules on using the Comments/Ratings feature. http://www.askmehelpdesk.com/forum-h...nes-24951.html We try to reserve negative ratings for factually incorrect or extremely dangerous advice. Differences of opinions should be discussed in the thread.

Quote:

She works a lot out of town and up until recently we were together most every day when she was in town.

I think a piece of the puzzle you are missing is that when she is in town she tends to spend time with you instead of doing her own thing. When she is out of town, she is working, she is in hotels, she isn't in her 'space' with her belongings able to do whatever she wants whenever she wants. She needs time and space in her own place. How often does she really spend time with friends and family when she is in town?

She may have just realized how fast the relationship is developing. She may be starting to feel what affect your insecurity due to other matters may be having on the relationship and her. http://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relatio...st-536868.html

Let things calm down a bit. It is very hard to keep up an 'intense' pace without something breaking down. Think of this as maintenance time where you get to take care of making certain your support systems are in working order.

Get out and make new friends who are single or get together with old friends who aren't. Find a hobby you enjoy. Make certain that you have a life apart from work and the relationship.

NCDad · Jan 5, 2011, 11:16 AM

Last post was very good, but please answer me this. How do I go from being intimately involved in all aspects with this woman to just being casually involved. We used to talk and text multiple times a day, that has stopped, I may or may not hear from her once a day and then she keeps the conversation very shallow and doesn't say much about what she has been doing or what she is going to do. This is killing me. It is like I have been reduced to just a casual friend she relates with on occaision. For me its like we have broken up but I'm still in limbo.

Question of trust.

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