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My fianc? Told me she wants to go on break

Asked Aug 5, 2009, 07:04 PM — 288 Answers
I have been with my fiance/ex fianc? For 10 months and just last week she told me she wants to "go on break." I am 35 and she is 22. She lives an hour & a half from me. Since we met we have spent almost every weekend together due to our work schedules. I drive to see her on Friday afternoon & come home Sunday night. I also drive to see her one day during the week. She lives with her parents and is close with them so I always go there. Anyway she is adopted and a few months ago found online her biological mom,dad and sis. So we planned to fly and see them last week. For a few weeks before our trip we've been bickering about minor stuff. She said it was her being stressed out and I added to that stress. She said there was something missing and it has nothing to do with me...she's says I've been "perfect". One night I overheard her tell someone that she "loves me....but "isnt sure if he's the right one- how do you ever know" and that I'm "always up her ." I confronted her about it and she said she doesn't know why she said it. I give her plenty of space. When were not together she either goes to a friends house or meets a friend at a bar and drinks. Just recently she said she would like more girls nights out on the weekends since she's only had a few in 10 months. I have no problem with that but she said she was scared to ask me. She says every time she goes out we get into an argument. Sometimes this is true but all I ever asked of her was to "every once in a while text me"...she feels she shouldn't feel obligated to do so. So the night before we left to see her family that she's never met I confronted her as to why she's been so cold and distant...she had no response and no reaction so I left her house to see how she would react. A 1/2 hour later she texted me saying how I'm the nicest guy she's ever met and I deserve better than her. I came back to her house and she said she wanted to take a break and that she won't wear the ring on our trip to see her family and she won't introduce me as her fianc? But she wanted me to come with her and meet her biological family. Half the time on our trip she was cold and distant and half the time she was ok. I told her I didn't want to lose her and she told me "dont worry..you wont" I also asked her when she's going to wear the ring again and she said "eventually". The 3 days Since we got back from our trip she's texted me but only once in a while and she called once. I don't call her and only respond to her texts but never text 1st. I don't want to lose her....she has everything I've wanted. I know she's serious about me because several times we looked at houses together and she has wanted to have a baby. She's very trustworthy and always texts me and tells me what she's doing even though I never asked her to.What should I do? Please help

288 Answers
talaniman's Avatar
talaniman Posts: 44,309, Reputation: 50341
Senior Family & People Expert
 
#51

Sep 9, 2009, 05:00 PM


Quote:
When I found out about the guy at the end and told her I knew she completely flipped out and was very angry and distraught.
Thats all the notice you need, and any more confrontation with her will only end in denial. She already knows she is a lying cheater, and she also knows you know it also. End of story .........FINALLY
Quote:
Would it be better to just leave this whole thing alone and never mention it to her?
Never talk to her again.
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bjohnrupp's Avatar
bjohnrupp Posts: 293, Reputation: 159
Full Member
 
#52

Sep 9, 2009, 05:09 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman View Post
Thats all the notice you need, and any more confrontation with her will only end in denial. She already knows she is a lying cheater, and she also knows you know it also. End of story .........FINALLY

Never talk to her again.
Thanx Tal....I'm not going to text her back anymore. She sends these pity/guilt texts probably to try to save face but for how bad she did me dirty I'm done
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CanIBuyAClue's Avatar
CanIBuyAClue Posts: 144, Reputation: 190
Junior Member
 
#53

Sep 9, 2009, 07:59 PM
Be done with her completely. Don't look at it as "man, I may have gotten played even when I invested all of this time/money into this relationship".... Instead see it as "thank God that I did not end up marrying this weasel." It gets better, just don't contact her anymore, because quite frankly it does not sound like she deserves it.
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bjohnrupp's Avatar
bjohnrupp Posts: 293, Reputation: 159
Full Member
 
#54

Oct 4, 2009, 10:05 PM
Ex still contacts me
I posted on here previously regarding my (ex) fianc?. She dumped me almost 8 weeks ago and I have found that although I have some days that I'm ok I still have a lot of bad days thinking about her. Especially on weekends since that's when we were always together. Once a week she'll text me to see how I'm doing ( I guess out of guilt/pity) I can't help but respond to her even though I know I'm not supposed to, I figure its better to have her in my life to some degree rather than not at all. I just don't know how I would deal with it if I never heard from her again. I never contact her first because I don't want her to think I'm still trying to get her back.

I thought by now I would get better but I find myself constantly comparing anyone I meet to her and don't feel that they are good enough. I'm definitely still really hung up on her. I went on 4 dates and wanted to leave the second I got there. I felt really weird being somewhere with someone other than my ex. I guess I feel like I could have done some things a little bit differently and feel like its my fault that she's gone. I always treated her great but I felt like she didn't respect me enough.

Last week we talked on the phone for the 1st time since she dumped me. It was so good to hear from her but things were just so different then when we were together. Today was bad because I found out that the guy she started "seeing" at the end of our relationship was her senior year in high school boyfriend. So I guess she dumped me for an ex from 4 years ago?!

I asked her a few different times to meet up with me as friends and she always says "we will" but I don't know if it will ever happen. I guess a part of me thinks that maybe someday down the road we can get back together. I know its just wishful thinking. I guess I regret not trying to have a baby with her because if we did have a baby she wouldn't have left I'm sure.

I don't want to blow her off when she texts me but I don't want her to think I'm still trying to get her back and contact her first. What should I do? How should I handle this?
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azif's Avatar
azif Posts: 96, Reputation: 105
Junior Member
 
#55

Oct 4, 2009, 10:32 PM
She's moving on you shoul too. A baby would have been even worse. I keep thinking what if I proposed but then I think about it. Why try to keep someone who doesn't reciprocate

You seem to be rushing into datig again when you are clearly not over her. Of course it what feel right

I'm trying to avoid thinking about being wih someone. Just focussing on my career. Maybe try to set some non relationship goals. Be comfortable with you

My advice I think is for me as much as you. Hope it makes sense
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Jane_'s Avatar
Jane_ Posts: 15, Reputation: 5
New Member
 
#56

Oct 4, 2009, 10:36 PM
Oh I know how you feel..I still get all confused when my ex txts me. Its been a year since we broke up but my feelings are still the same! I don't reply when he tries to get in contact anymore though..I think you should do the same. After a while you start to feel so proud at how strong you are at not replying even though you want to so badly!

She's the one who broke up with you...she made that decision now she can live with it. And believe me if you ever want to get back together with her staying in her life won't help because this way she will never realise that she made a mistake. Right now she is keeping in touch because she probably feels guilty and misses you but in time this will pass if you stay in touch. You got to cut her off completely..only then she might realise something
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ajGambino's Avatar
ajGambino Posts: 317, Reputation: 484
Full Member
 
#57

Oct 4, 2009, 11:02 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by bjohnrupp View Post
Once a week she'll text me to see how I'm doing ( I guess out of guilt/pity) I can't help but respond to her even though I know I'm not supposed to, I figure its better to have her in my life to some degree rather than not at all.

I went on 4 dates and wanted to leave the second I got there. I felt really weird being somewhere with someone other than my ex.

Last week we talked on the phone for the 1st time since she dumped me. So I guess she dumped me for an ex from 4 years ago?!

I guess a part of me thinks that maybe someday down the road we can get back together. I know its just wishful thinking. I guess I regret not trying to have a baby with her because if we did have a baby she wouldn't have left I'm sure.
Even though you know what you need to do, you cave in and keep making the wrong decisions.

Why do you feel this way? Because you keep talking to her.

Better to have her in your life in some degree than not? She is not something you need and keeping in contact will keep you in that state of mind.

She has dumped you for another, do you think that kind of person could make you happy?

A baby would of made this mess much, MUCH worse and NC will let you see that TRAPPING your girlfriend is not a solution for happiness.


Give yourself time to be alone for a while, you are not ready to rationalize and create solutions for yourself. Believe me when I tell you, NC is the best thing you can do for yourself so you can see you are much better off without her. Trust me, once you go NC and stick to it, things will start falling into the right places.
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bjohnrupp's Avatar
bjohnrupp Posts: 293, Reputation: 159
Full Member
 
#58

Oct 4, 2009, 11:40 PM
Why is she still texting me to see how I'm doing once a week? Is it out of guilt or does she miss me in any way? I want her to feek guilt and when she asks how I'm doing I tell her not too good and then I noticed she doesn't want to hear that because it makes her feel worse. She told me she's no longer seeing her ex from high school but she just wants to be single and see more than 1 guy. If she's gone back to ex's before I feel there's always a chance sometime later for us.
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bjohnrupp's Avatar
bjohnrupp Posts: 293, Reputation: 159
Full Member
 
#59

Oct 4, 2009, 11:46 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jane_ View Post
oh I know how you feel..I still get all confused when my ex txts me. Its been a year since we broke up but my feelings are still the same! I don't reply when he tries to get in contact anymore though..I think you should do the same. After a while you start to feel so proud at how strong you are at not replying even though you want to so badly!

She's the one who broke up with you...she made that decision now she can live with it. And believe me if you ever want to get back together with her staying in her life won't help because this way she will never realise that she made a mistake. Right now she is keeping in touch because she probably feels guilty and misses you but in time this will pass if you stay in touch. You got to cut her off completely..only then she might realise somthing
Thanks Jane...so you're saying that the only way she may miss me is if I don't respond to her at all? A few weeks after I got dumped I picked up the engagement ring and the rest of my stuff and I asked her if she missed me and she said maybe a little so I guess she doesn't care nearly as much as how I care for her. She did say how I was the nicest guy she ever met and I deserved someone better than her so maybe if enough guys treat her bad she may realize she had a good thing with me.
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lmnotok's Avatar
lmnotok Posts: 217, Reputation: 196
Full Member
 
#60

Oct 5, 2009, 01:45 AM
Why do you love her anyway?
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