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    I KNOW my girlfriend is lying, how to confront her and/or catch her in the lie.

    Asked Feb 4, 2008, 12:51 AM 17 Answers
    Sorry this is so long, please help me and read:

    I have been dating this girl since October. We moved in together a month ago. We did not move in because we are taking our relationship to the next level but because we both needed roommates. Several weeks before we moved in she donated her eggs and had complications. One of her ovaries was cut and had to have emergency surgery to fix it. We haven’t had sex for almost 2 months because before she was way too fertile, even with a condom on and now because she says she needs to get back on the pill to readjust her hormones, restart her menstrual cycle, and to get the OK from the doctor to have sex. So our sex life has totally died. I can understand all of this stuff she is saying, but part of me made me wonder if something was up and she might be making it up. She doesn’t even want to mess around or anything. She is one of those girls who had a lot of guy friends and almost no girl friends. That has taken me some time to get used to but I’m doing it. I’m really not a jealous person, and only become one when I feel like I have a reason to be. Plus she has acted less affectionately as she used to. She just acts different than she used to act. She doesn’t kiss as much and whatnot. She says not a super clingy person or super affectionate and that is fine. I just have noticed a change. Maybe she’s out of the puppy love phase of the relationship? I don’t know. So I become wary of how she acts now and how she doesn’t want to mess around at all. I understand she may not want to because her body is out of whack. But part of me can’t help wonder if that is actually the case. So I start to spy on her pretty hard core. I had never done anything like this before. I feel bad that I did this. I’m not justifying her privacy invasion, but I felt like I had no choice. I didn’t want to be the sucker boyfriend who has no idea what’s going on behind my back. I had to look around to know for sure. She started talking to an old high school friend who she never really knew. This guy flagged my attention. They would hang out and such. I did feel uncomfortable about it but wasn’t going fuss over it. I didn’t want to be that guy who would freak over her hanging out with other guys than me.

    One day I was reading through her IM’s on her computer and saw a conversation they were having about how they had hooked up and how it happened too fast. I believe that she went to a show with him and might have stayed the night with him. The same night the show was happening she went to a club with some friends. So when I read this chat, I couldn’t believe it. I printed it out and met up for lunch with her. I asked her if she had slept with him and she said no. I asked her repeatedly. I showed her the IM’s and she was shocked that I had been spying, which is natural. But how could I make an accusation without any kind of proof. She said how the way I’ve been acting was pushing her away, I’m smothering her, and I don’t act laid back like I used to and this guy does. She said didn’t sleep with him but they did kiss. She says the hooking up meant the kiss. And says she didn’t go to show with him. She says she didn’t sleep with him and I think I believe her because of her operation. But at the same time I don’t know if maybe she is better but keeping that from me. So we have the talk and I say I will chill out. Normally this would have ended very differently but we are both on the lease for a year. I mean I do like this girl, but I’m stuck with her in our place for a year. I want to work this out since I’m stuck with her. So I still feel uneasy about it, and she still acts the same. I didn’t ask her not to see him anymore because it was “just a kiss”.

    So I have a webcam set up in my living room, and I come home and he is there and they are watching to TV. I’m all sketched out and I go into my room to look at the videos from the webcam. I’m blown away when I see video of him going in for a kiss and they hold a kiss for several seconds. Oh man, I barely held myself back from beating the &%$# out of him. He leaves and I’m thinking how I’m going to do this. I couldn’t just sit on this and not say anything. So I ask her to come in my room and I show it to her. It’s basically the same conversation we had at lunch, but more serious because it’s a repeated offense. She says she’s sorry but also says she was mad at me because I had been creeping. I don’t know if that’s a real excuse. At this point I say I don’t want her hanging out with him anymore. I feel like I have the damn right to say that. She says OK. I can’t control if she talks to him, but I think I have the right now to be mad if they hang out. I see messages to him about how she can’t really see him because it’s not right, yada yada yada. I’m bending over backwards at this point. I want to just walk away from this but I can’t. I live with her! It’s one big circle. She acted like this because I have acted like that, and because she is acting like that makes me want to check on what she is doing behind her back. We have betrayed each other’s trust. I have stopped being in all her business. I’m trying hard to rebuild my trust with her. It’s not like it’s going to come back in two seconds.

    So I get home tonight from work and she isn’t home, so I randomly check to see if she has talked to him. And they have…she says that since he is going to be near her parents house, he should come see part of the game. He says if he comes, it’s not going to be till half time. I can only assume they are doing something now when they hang out. I don’t know for fact if they hung out or not, but just the fact that she initiated it. How do I call her out now? I can’t say that I’m in her business again. She comes home a little later and I kind of hide that I’m pissed. I ask if she had talked to him lately or seen him lately. She says no. I ask her would she lie to me about it. She says no.

    We are going to lunch tomorrow. I want to bring it up again, but casually. Like ask if he ever met her parents, and ask more questions if they have had interactions. I want to catch her in a lie. I want to just tell her straight up, but I CAN NOT mention that I’m on her computer again. Should I just let this go? I think she might be pretending to keep things going is because she things to be civil in the house, maybe not? I don’t know. I know they still casually talk, but that’s harmless. Why would she be trying to hang out with him again! I haven’t done anything to make her wander. Do I put everything on the table and say I know? How do I approach this? I’m trying to make the smartest decision. I may be over reacting. Should I be giving her crap for wanting to hang out with him? It would be so much work for me to leave. I would have to find a new place and I don’t have the money right now to get a new place right away. Please help. I have lunch with her at noon (EST). I need some tips before then! Thank you!

    Last edited by AeriesIII; Feb 4, 2008 at 12:57 AM.
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    17 Answers
    HistorianChick's Avatar
    HistorianChick Posts: 2,556, Reputation: 825
    Ultra Member

    Feb 4, 2008, 11:09 AM
    I'll admit. I formed an opinion before I even read your post... and I did read the post, copied and pasted "key phrases", started to address each one, and realized that my initial opinion hadn't changed... why take time to re-answer all the questions that everyone has answered already??

    My initial response: You "know your girlfriend is lying" therefore you do not trust her. Trust is the foundation of a relationship. Without trust, there is no relationship. Consequently, you are not able to be IN a relationship because there IS no relationship.

    Darlin, the question is not "how do I catch her in a lie" (because you obviously have IM conversations and webcam proof - don't get me started on that one), because you already did. The question is, what are you going to do about it?

    You don't trust her. She doesn't trust you. That is not a relationship. That's two people co-existing. I think you need to try and find some other living arrangements.
    Helpful (2)
    EuRa's Avatar
    EuRa Posts: 315, Reputation: 64
    Full Member

    Feb 4, 2008, 12:00 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Synnen thing EuRa has wrong here is about the egg donation thing.

    I would think he'd KNOW if she was. The medication youhave to be on puts you in permanent PMS. And then to have a problem that involves SURGERY--I mean, she'd be in the hospital, and that's a little hard to fake.

    Hormone treatments DO mess with your libido.
    That's fine, but I was never wrong because I never said any of this. All I said was that (true or not about her surgery) it was an easy excuse not to have sex or be close to him. Because, after all, she's obviously close to someone else. You're reading too much into it.

    Quote Originally Posted by Synnen
    So....don't be spouting all this bad stuff about her without pointing out the bad things HE has admitted as well.
    I already said that he should stop what he's doing. I thought that would imply I disagreed with his actions. I was just trying to be nice, encouraging him to move on. This guy has fragile emotions, he will not respond well to harsch criticism.

    All you did was bash HIM, and not one word about HER, which was my complaint. If you think he was in the wrong, then that's fine. But you made it sound like it's all his fault and he's the only guilty party, and I disagree. She's even more guilty than he is. Using him for rent, using him for sex or company, lying to him, sneaking around and bringing her male escort to their house. Perhaps more.

    Aren't you the same person that had the disagreement about paying rent on another topic? Haven't you learned from that? :P Can't we both just agree that he has to get out of that relationship as fast as possible and move on? I'll wave a white flag if I have to, holey crap.
    Synnen's Avatar
    Synnen Posts: 7,864, Reputation: 2413

    Feb 4, 2008, 03:58 PM

    I don't see where he's supporting her in his post.

    I see that they BOTH needed roommates and moved in together.

    So... she's supporting him as much as he's supporting her.

    Look--I've been the girl with a boyfriend that out of the blue doesn't trust me, basing it on snooping in my private conversations (via email, on the phone, whatever). The reason I didn't TELL the guy I was seeing a guy friend in the first place is because that was how I knew he'd react.

    Then he went overboard with the spying on me, accusing me of lying--it just got creepy, and I got out of that relationship. Luckily, I wasn't living with him. I did, however, have to change not only my passwords to everything, but my phone number and email addresses, too.

    Am I criticizing him? Absolutely. That doesn't make what SHE is doing right--but omg, his actions are very much like a stalker! No wonder the poor girl feels like she has to hide things!

    Does that justify her lying to him? Absolutely not.

    However--ya'll are painting her to be a gold-digging cheating whore, and ignoring his psychopathic stalking tendencies.

    They should BOTH move on--neither is EVER going to trust the other one again.
    Delow84's Avatar
    Delow84 Posts: 309, Reputation: 45
    Full Member

    Feb 4, 2008, 04:12 PM
    Id have to disagree somewhat synnen... you should never hide something from the person you care about, even if you know how they would react. Of course if you hide guy friends, or girl friends because you know they might get the wrong idea, and they find out, then well you just GAVE them the wrong idea. Snooping is creepy, been on both sides of it. But snooping isn't psychopathic. That's kind of harsh imo. When you feel like you need to snoop to find out the truth, that is a big bright signal telling you to just leave. Why bother snooping and sinking to their level?

    They just both need to go their separate ways, it will only get worse for each of them.
    aboleth's Avatar
    aboleth Posts: 60, Reputation: 8
    Junior Member

    Feb 4, 2008, 09:39 PM
    Step back, take a deep breath, and stop being jealous bro. She's not going to want that man. She want's a man who's exciting, challenging, and not putting her in akward places. You want her to cheat, keep up the jealousy... it's a self fufilling prophecy. If you think she is cheating and you can't trust her... I'd move on. You 2 need to forgive, forget, and move on without prejiduce if you want a happy relationship.

    Just my 2 cents.
    cerisa's Avatar
    cerisa Posts: 247, Reputation: 71
    Full Member

    Feb 6, 2008, 08:22 PM
    Wow, I agree that he is psycho, scary even, that was my first impression.
    She is a little nuts herself donating her eggs. Altruism is beautiful when you are in a position to do so. Doesn't sound like it here.
    Also he doesn't say he is supporting her. He says they were not ready to take their brief (only since October!) dating scene any further. They were going to be roommates. He has no business spying on his roommate -nor requiring of her to be available to him. She lied, bad, if they had a commitment, none of his business if they did not.
    dmanblue2's Avatar
    dmanblue2 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
    New Member

    Jan 19, 2009, 05:22 PM
    Dude brake up with her or do the same thing its not right for her t do that to you.Theres always a hole lot more fishes in the sea
    Synnen's Avatar
    Synnen Posts: 7,864, Reputation: 2413

    Jan 20, 2009, 05:49 AM

    Since the OP hasn't posted in a YEAR, I'm sure that he's either broken up with her or fixed it by now.

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