Last night my boyfriend of 9months and I were kissing and hugging goodbye when I blurted out...with no warning from my brain....

"I really love you, you're lovely". (I think I got my words jumbled, as I was trying to say "I love being with you")

His response was "you're so lovely". He was really nice and kissed me really tenderly goodbye, and today he's perfectly fine with me, but I feel in turmoil. In a way I feel angry at him, even though he's done NOTHING wrong.

I feel rubbish, I didn't mean to say it as we aren't really at that stage yet, it just slipped out. He tells me all the time that he's "fallen for me" and that he's "smitten", but I'm not sure what that means. I feel I've taken the relationship down a road I didn't want to. Now I'm going to be fretting about the embarrassment, the pressure I might have unduly put on things, it's really making me reassess what I'm doing.

Every time I think of the moment I cringe. Plus we work together so despite my best efforts to avoid him it's constantly rubbed in.

Please help, any advice would be so gratefully received .... how do I overcome the embarrassment and feel more normal again? If he blatantly doesn't love me can I really carry on in this relationship? Should I address the issue?
x

starlite1

Hi Cf,

Please read my questions, you may want post your responses/questions there. I don't want to take away from someone else's posts...

http://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relatio...ce-220361.html

http://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relatio...st-221485.html

Sonador101

i agree with BJ awasome advice

upset17

well it's all ok between us, things are as lovely as ever, but am still kind of feeling confused about things... if he can say that he wants to marry me, that he's fallen for me etc, why does he not say 'i love you'? It's like he's avoiding the three words, and they're becoming a bit like a white elephant in the room. do some people simply NOT say 'I love you' out of principle? x

JBeaucaire

The "white elephant" is a problem EVERYONE knows about and won't talk about. This is a problem in your mind, not his, so it's not a white elephant.

You need to stop measuring the things you wish he said and honor the things he DOES. Men are creatures of actions. What he DOES is how you decide if he's a keeper or not.

TOO MANY MEN are good with words. Saying "I love you" means far more to a woman than it does to a man, and some men use that to their advantage.

Your guy is just the opposite, isn't he? Without having to say the words, which he may actually be very uncomfortable with, he continues to demonstrate his love for you including discussing long-term, even life-long, plans with you.

Why can't you take him as he is? What he does is honest enough. Go with that and let it be what it is.

starlite1

This is actually very good advice. Always remember (I should take this advise myself) that actions, Most always, speak louder than words.

plonak

I have to say don't make a problem out of nothing.. Im not trying to deminish your feelings but if both of you are happy in your relationship, just let it be that.. he will tell you when he is ready..

I had problems of control too in my last relationship (i broke up with my ex on Friday) I felt anxious when I couldn't control what was going on, i think i might be a co-dependant to an extent..

So what I am saying is just relax and let this be.. you're lucky that you're happily in a relationship.. im hurting really badly right now.. i have to admit I envy your problems..

Lovelee

I used to think that a man doesn't love you until he says it...not true. Sometimes you can just tell by the way he looks at you, the way he holds you, and the sweet little gestures that he does speaks volumes. I told my bf I loved him first, his response? "I'm hungry lets get something to eat!" I didn't get too upset because he has alot of pride. A week later during a fight I told him if I upset him so much why are you with me, then he said "I can't do that, I'm too much inlove with you. The point is some men can't say the words so easily, maybe its an ego thing but he expresses it in other ways. Learn to pick up on the vibes he gives you will be able to discern for yourself. It sounds like your bf shows you and for some its alot easier that way.

Chery

You've gotten some sound advice here dear.

A guy can say I love you and treat you like crap... which is more common than we'd like to think at this day and age. He could just be a believer in 'actions speak louder than words' and as long as he treats you right, encourage and accept his attention.

Oh, although I have not heard 'being smitten' for many years - believe me it's a compliment.. i.e. he's enamoured, flabbergasted, finds you adorable and unbelievable. So, instead of saying what most guy say and don't always mean, he's finding other words of endearment - that shows effort.

So, as long as he keeps you on cloud-9, enjoy it and give him a great big hug.

upset17

Thanks so much to you all, you're lovely.

I'm far too insecure for my own good, I keep looking at the negative (am I not enough? Des he feel there's something missing? ) but instead I should focus on the great things in our relationship.

Does anyone have any advice on quashing jealousy and insecurity in yourself?

JBeaucaire

Jealousy and insecurity are selfish activities. To be hurt by them, you have to focus on yourself.

"Am I not enough?"
"Does he feel there is something missing (from me)?"
"Why doesn't he do _____ for me?"
"How could he be attracted to ________ over me?"

Me, me, me. That's the definition of jealousy and insecurity...above all, make ME feel better. Do it now. Comfort me. Appease me. Change who you are because I wish it and have doubts otherwise.

Sounds pretty lame doesn't it?

Healthy relationships are about giving unconditionally to others. Getting it back in kind is nice, but not required. The joy is in the giving and caring for the other person.

How else can marriages survive situations where real betrayal has occurred? Without some ability to love unconditionally, being married is no safer than dating, and it's SUPPOSED to be safer. Forgiveness is an active and powerful force in an unconditionally loving heart.

And the key difference here is that at some point you stop fretting the small stuff, you look for ways to make your mates life better just because. Not because they earned it or do it back (that's awesome, too), but just because. You focus on giving, not getting.

Bad stuff IS GOING to happen. What do you gain by working to AVOID bad stuff? I think nothing, but wasted energy and depression during otherwise good times. It's nuts to spend time on it in advance of real issues occurring.

It takes SO MUCH work implementing a jealous/insecure mindset. Imagine how much you can do for others with that energy!

There are peope who would rather DIE trying than sit back safely and avoid. Jump in with both feet. You learn SO much more about life and love and such by being in the thick of it, all barrels blazing.