I typed out a whole long message regarding this, about why I think I feel this way, and what I think it's a reflection of, but I think it was far too long to bother you all with...

The problem is that I'm sabotaging my relationship with my fiance. I love him so much, and I know he loves me, so why can't I just get on with it? Why do I obsess over his ex-girlfriends, or take it personally when he goes out without me? Why do I make life so hard for him when I know he's done nothing wrong? Why do I snoop around his things in the hope it'll give me some insight into his life? It drives me mad but I can't stop doing it. It's like I'm addicted to working myself up over nothing, and hurting myself for no reason!

Can anybody beat some sense into me?

Krs

How long have you been with this guy? and has he had more previous partners than you have?

Kohoutek

We've been together for over 4 years now, but it goes way further back for me. I've had a thing for him since I was 12, and he was 18. He has had a lot more partners than me because for some reason I ended up in a three year relationship at 16, and then straight into this relationship with him... It's not like I want to sew wild oats, but I just wish I didn't feel like such a child sometimes.

It just makes me want to bash my head against things....

Krs

I had a similar issue as you with my partner. We have been together for 7 yrs and now married for 2. I was in the same shoes as you where i really and truly only had 2 serious relationship whilst he definitley had more than me.

It took me a while to just accept that fact and get on with it, and the thing is you have to, otherwise you can push him away with your obessions. Learn to get on with it. Learn that you are better than all his ex's as he with YOU now. You said your fiance, so this guy proposed to you, you are the one he wants to spend the rest of your life with. If you keep on obessing you'll drive yourself mad and then him, there is so much a person can take. Forget his past and forget his ex's and just think for you 2 as a couple and nothing else matters.

Kohoutek

You see, I agree completely with that, Krs. I know that that's what I should be doing, but I can't do it. I just can't get over it. He's always been really apathetic (to the extent of saying that he was only with his ex-girlfriend's so long because he 'couldn't be bothered' to break up with them) and when I get in these dark paranoid moods, I'm just thinking "Well, what if he feels like that at the moment?"

His last ex-girlfriend was the one who gets me the most because she split up with him when he was still in love with her. And she's older and prettier and smarter than me, and because she dumped him - who's to say he wouldn't still be with her if she hadn't??

I KNOW I need to get over it, and soon, I just don't know HOW. Do these things change when you're married??

Krs

About the ex girlfriend thats not the question to be asking yourself at all coz this ex did you a favour.
What happened - happened!
Everything happens for a reason, and that reason was you. Put it this way if she never broke up with him you would have never met him, so you can be kinda thankful to her in a way. So look at it in that prospective not in a negative one.
Before i met my husband he had a girlfriend whom is was very fond of and she left him and broke his heart. So he left and went travelling to get away from it all and then meet ME. So is that good or bad?? She did me a favour and same goes for you.

Things changed before we got married, i just learnt to accept it.

Our relationship is based on trust and love. We keep each other happy and if either 1 of us is not happy we let the other know and work on it.

Krs

oh and dont say that about yourself, have more self confidence and you are prettier and smartier and younger than his ex

fredg

Hi Kohoutek,
I am 64 yrs old, married now (for the 2nd. time) for 29 years. First marriage ended in divorce after 7 years.
No, I would not suggest marrying this person or anyone else until you have tried all you can do do away with the past. And, No, the feelings you have will not change after you marry someone.
Have you considered talking with someone, face-to-face, about your not being able to get over the past?
Maybe a Priest, Minister, Pastor, Rabbi, or someone like maybe a counselor of some type?
If you can't do it by yourself, then you really need to talk with a counselor, or even a psychiatrist. Feelings like this will continue with you until you find a solution.
You have taken the first step in writing here about it. Now, why not take the next step, and talk with someone. I do wish you the best, and good luck.

Krs

Fredg is right.
Esp that your engaged to this guy and been together over 4 years. Its not like you meet him a few months ago.
You have be strong alone and get over it otherwise you will have problems.

Kohoutek

Thanks so much for all your help guys... I've been having these problems since the beginning of the relationship - I think it stems from the fact that I've been crazy about him for about 12 years now so all of those girlfriends or one night stands that he's been with were all probably whilst I was struggling through my teenage years wondering why he didn't feel the same way about me. Also I know that if I'm getting stressed or down in other parts of my life it manifests itself as worries with my relationship - so even though I know I don't need to worry, I still do..

I had counselling a while ago for various reasons and I really felt the results and I was fine for over a year, but then recently I've started to go downhill again. I've arranged to see a new counsellor through occupational health but it's only every other week and it's not helping that much this time. I can't afford to see a private counsellor like the last one I saw.

But thank you all though. Sometimes just getting it off your chest helps, right?