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Survivor07 · Jun 8, 2009, 03:15 PM

Originally Posted by Gemini54

What I'm getting from your post is fear, fear, fear.

Fear of wasting your time.
Fear of not having a child.
Fear of being hurt.
Fear of things moving too fast.
Fear of the future.

This woman won't destroy you. You'll destroy yourself by projecting all of your fears onto her. You can't change her past and the future is unknown and can give you no certainty.

How about living in the present? All your energy is being directed towards your fears about how things MIGHT turn out. This is stopping you from enjoying the present - which sounds pretty good, by the way.

What you have to slow down is the rush to predict the future. You can't. It will be as it is.

You've found a woman that you care about and who you feel good with. Stop sabotaging yourself and enjoy yourself. You've been given a gift, be thankful.

Had to spread rep, but Gemini is right on. Well said, as always.

And I thought only women had the ticking biological clock...

That is exactly what's going on here. You are so worried about how it's going to turn out that you're missing the best part... the honeymoon stage. You can't make any rational decisions in this stage... just enjoy it.

Besides, you're feeling so intense because, as you stated, you're still healing from a past relationship. You're finally feeling good again. Just slow down and take it a day at a time.

By the way, I see no problem in asking someone you're sleeping with what their dreams for their future are or just simply what they want or where they see themselves in five years, etc. You do the same. Nothing wrong with stating you want your own children some day. That's the truth. You can't lose with the truth. Just take your time. You know what to do. Relax and have fun.

jmnr · Jun 8, 2009, 03:18 PM

You should confront her about your hopes and goals. If she does not respect them, she's not worth your time.

susangpyp · Jun 8, 2009, 03:34 PM

You should definitely let her know you want children. I was with a guy for almost 5 years and we broke up because I was done having kids (had 3) and he had said he didn't want any of his own but then he was just trying to suppress his desire for his own.

We had a nice 4 years together but the breakup hurt both of us and my kids. It would have been a lot better if he had told me in the beginning he wanted a child.

The other thing is that you either have to get over her past or let her go. She can't change it, you can't change it, and you're going to mess up what you have if you keep obsessing about it.

You need to 1) discuss if she wants more kids (not even with you but in general) and 2) let go of her past.

scott_1976 · Jun 8, 2009, 04:19 PM

I was in the same boat as you when my wife and I first got together. She had 3 kids all from different marriages and it was a hard pill to swallow! I almost ended our relationship because I had such a hard time dealing with her past. We were stupid and discussed how may either of us had been with as well, she out numbered me by over ten.(DO NOT DO THIS!! ). I was very intimidated in the bedroom after that! I almost ended it and I can tell you I am so glad I didn't, she is the most wonderful girl ever and I am so glad I have her! We have a great relationship and a great sex life! Take it from me my friend leave the past in the past and enjoy the moments you have with your love!

mec508 · Jun 14, 2009, 07:32 PM

I just want to keep you all updated because you have all given me such thoughtful advice.

My feelings for her have continued to deepen since my last post, as have her feelings for me. Her daughter really likes me a lot, and she's such a wonderful, bright girl. Scott_1976, I've read and re-read your post almost every day since you wrote it and it has kept me put together through the rough times where I've had to combat my emotions.

This is turning into one of the most rewarding relationships I've ever been in. We finally did have a talk about future children, and it took a good deal of engineering by me to put the context together to lead into the subject without being awkward. She's open to it and has never ruled it out. So this doesn't look like a dead-end for me.

I'm a really happy guy right now. I'll keep updating as needed. Thanks.

N0help4u · Jun 14, 2009, 07:47 PM

Congratulations hope it all works out for you