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I met a guy about 15 years ago. We quickly became friends and within a year he told me he loved me and wanted to leave his girlfriend of 6yrs to be with me. I felt the same but was afraid that he might have just been infatuated with me and do the same to me down the line. I followed my head and not my heartand told him so. 3 months later, she fell pregnant and they got married. Just after that I met his brother and we got married 2 years later. About a year ago, my (ex) and I realised that we still loved each other. This is not just a kind of feeling that goes away. It lasted for 15 years. Problem is we are stuck in a catch 22. He can't leave his wife and I can't leave my husband because our children and the family will be hurt by this. Does someone have any adivice on how to deal with this? We are both hurting inside because there's no way we can be together.
Wow...I can't believe you got with his brother in the first place. If I was that much in love with someone I wouldn't go after their brother. (Just something to think about.) What's going on....has your marriage fallen into routine? Are you bored and started lusting after a memory?
I would go with your head and analyze the crap out of this before you do something spontaneous and hurtful. And remember....never leave a relationship for another one. That's definitely the wrong reason.
In making my decision years ago I think I judged him too harshly. I was afraid of being hurt so I turned away. I'm still trying to figure out if maybe I married his brother on the rebound and thought I was inlove with him. We have been happily married, but I always felt that something was missing. It is important for you to look at the situation with an open mind. Sometimes we follow reason instead of our hearts. We tend to imagine the consequences of our decisions, but forget that nothing in life is guaranteed. Now I wish I gave him the benefit of the doubt all those years ago.
For the good of everyone involved, not acting on those old feelings is a must. More ever, stay focused on your own husband, and reject any more talk from him, on how miserable he may be, (or you may be) in your present situation. You have both made a decision, now live with it and give 100%, and leave the fantasy stuff alone. You may have feelings for one another, and that's fine, but what matters is what you do about it. Just me, if you both focused on your commitments, as you focus on yourself, things will go much better. Even if you have to lie to him (the brother you covet) about your feelings, to keep the emotional separation, thats better than to keep stoking the fire of shared desire. Does that make some sense? I hope so because this has the potential of destroying a whole family from the inside, if this gets out of hand.
Here is something to think about....what if you do get with the ex and the reality doesn't live up to the fantasy? And/or perhaps he feels the same way and dumps you? What would you do if it didn't work out?
I met a guy about 15 years ago. We quickly became friends and within a year he told me he loved me and wanted to leave his girlfriend of 6yrs to be with me. I felt the same but was afraid that he might have just been infatuated with me and do the same to me down the line. I followed my head and not my heartand told him so. 3 months later, she fell pregnant and they got married. Just after that I met his brother and we got married 2 years later. About a year ago, my (ex) and I realised that we still loved each other. This is not just a kind of feeling that goes away. It lasted for 15 years. Problem is we are stuck in a catch 22. He can't leave his wife and I can't leave my husband because our children and the family will be hurt by this. Does someone have any adivice on how to deal with this? We are both hurting inside because there's no way we can be together.
I think that instead of focusing on the hurt that you feel with not being with the one you think you love, think of the double hurt you would feel if you devasted the entire family, including children.
It is truly worth all that hurt. You will loose so much by giving in to this "selfish" love.
Think with your heart and head this time. And put all that energy into the man that did take your hand and wasn't willing to betray his girlfriend 15 years ago.
I am sure your heart is heavy, but I would much rather advise you on this situation, then you coming to us saying how deeply distraught you are and how you could never forgive yourself for the pain your actions caused so many.
I am not downplaying your current hurt, but choosing otherwise, will be a hurt you can't even try and imagine now.
I do value your opinion. I just wonder that if a person should live with your decision and try to give 100% to your partner whom you chose. Are you being true to yourself? Is this not living a lie? Obviously I know if we should act on our feelings the outcome will be disastrous. All I'm trying to say is this, I have learnt from this experience that you should not be afraid to follow your heart. Most of us are too afraid to take a chance on love for fear of being disappointed. It's too late for me and I definitely will honour my vows, but that does not mean I will be a happier person inside. I have also learnt not to judge someone too harshly before really getting to know them because people can change for the better. I made that mistake and now I'll have to live with my decision, but after doing some retrospection, I am 100% convinced of my feelings. It's definitely not a fantasy. It just can never be a reality!
I do value your opinion. I just wonder that if a person should live with your decision and try to give 100% to your partner whom you chose. Are you being true to yourself? Is this not living a lie? Obviously I know if we should act on our feelings the outcome will be disastrous. All I'm trying to say is this, I have learnt from this experience that you should not be afraid to follow your heart. Most of us are too afraid to take a chance on love for fear of being disappointed. It's too late for me and I definitely will honour my vows, but that does not mean I will be a happier person inside. I have also learnt not to judge someone too harshly before really getting to know them because people can change for the better. I made that mistake and now I'll have to live with my decision, but after doing some retrospection, I am 100% convinced of my feelings. It's definitely not a fantasy. It just can never be a reality!
First, I want you to be sure to know, honestly, I do not judge you in any way at all.
I wish that you could be happy. Here's what I think, you should try one more time to really look at your current marriage with nothing from outside on the marriage in your heart and head.
If this marriage is truly over, and after trying you still feel, you are being unfair to your husband, because you think you can not love him in the way in which he deserves, then maybe a seperation, to really see if this is what should be.
During the separation time, focus on yourself and not any what ifs with the brother. Nothing healthy will come out of that.
You have the opporutunity today, to have no regrets for tomorrow, as far as your marriage is concerened, if you truly try, even one more, to honor those vows, heart, mind, body and soul.
No one is winning in this current situation and healthy choices, normally produce positive results.
I do wish you the best and am truly sorry for the turmoil you find yourself in.
I will share a personal story with you, as it relates to regrets.
When I was 4 My mom left my Dad with 5 kids for another man. My Dad was distraught, but I don’t’ think my Mom had a happy day since.
Her and the other man argued, never married, and did not end up together, but yet they claimed to love each other so much.
They rocked two families and both were left with heavy heavy hearts.
Neither of my parents remarried and my Mom was at my Father’s bedside when he died. And if I could capture the pain, deep pain, the regret, and illustrate it for you I would. Her pain was deep, her face was beet red, so much so, I couldn’t even mourn for my Dad at that time, as I was ready to get a nurse for her.
So, please no judgement, I just want you to realize that following what you think is in your heart, may mean even worse heartache down the line.
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