I met a guy about 15 years ago. We quickly became friends and within a year he told me he loved me and wanted to leave his girlfriend of 6yrs to be with me. I felt the same but was afraid that he might have just been infatuated with me and do the same to me down the line. I followed my head and not my heartand told him so. 3 months later, she fell pregnant and they got married. Just after that I met his brother and we got married 2 years later. About a year ago, my (ex) and I realised that we still loved each other. This is not just a kind of feeling that goes away. It lasted for 15 years. Problem is we are stuck in a catch 22. He can't leave his wife and I can't leave my husband because our children and the family will be hurt by this. Does someone have any adivice on how to deal with this? We are both hurting inside because there's no way we can be together.

My baby

I thank you for your honesty. I do understand after reading your personal story where you're coming from. I do feel that my husband, being the kind gentle soul that he is deserves someone who can love him with all her heart. I have tried over and over again but maybe I should take some time for myself to gain perspective. Sometimes I just feel that there's really no point in staying with someone because you feel obligated or for the sake of the children. I love my kids. I just feel like such a hypocrite in making everyone believe that I am the devoted wife. Physically I am devoted, but emotionally I am not. Please don't misunderstand me. I do love my husband, but there are different ways of loving someone. I strongly believe that we are all responsible for our own happiness and that we also have a duty to ourselves to live a life of honesty and integrity. What am I teaching my children? How can I teach them this philosophy while I feel like an imposter? It's really a difficult situation and any decisions to be made cannot be done lightly. Most times I think I'd be better off alone than to live with this pretence.

Allheart

All of your points are right on and valid. A good talk with your husband alone, may be a good starting point.

Having sometime to yourself to gain perspective is a great idea. As long as you don't allow thoughts of being with someone else instead.

Please I understand what you are saying and your heavy heart, but I truly don't want your heart to suffer anymore then it is, or anyone elses.

Maybe a weekend away, just you, get a hotel room, JUST YOU , and see how you feel then.

This is after you talk to your husband.

I can tell you are torn. But simplify it and just concentrate on you and your family for now.
Clear the cob webs and see what truly remains.

My baby

I am really grateful for your advice. Getting away for a weekend BY MYSELF is the best option I think. It's true what you say about clearing the cobwebs. I'll only be able to see where I stand once those are out of the way. As for talking to my husband. I suppose I could tell him I need some space but it would be a bad idea to tell him the truth. I defintely don't want to cause hatred between brothers. They say blood is thicker than water, but in this case I don't want to find out if it's true. I will take your advice though and concentrate more on my family for now. I'm sure eventually all will become clear. I just have to remain positive.

Allheart

Hi my baby,

You are more then welcome. That's why we all are here, to help each other out during difficult times. None of us are perfect, and you are trying to do what's right without making any bad choices. You are trying to sort this out, so give yourself credit for that.

Yes, no need at all to tell hubby about the brother. No, please don't. Beleive it or not you may think you feel one way but after getting that well needed quiet time, you may see things a little differently. Bring a book with you to write in and write all of your feelings down. (then destroy the paper).

You can just say to hubby, that you feel you need time to rejuvenate. That you feel so tired inside and unsure if you are doing right by him and just need some time away for a couple of days, to get some rest and reprioritize.

The "space" word may not work too well, because he may hear " I need time away from you".

You will be okay, and I truly hope you get those well needed days.

My best to you.