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    Indecisive boyfriend, help me out please.

    Asked Nov 27, 2007, 07:05 AM 15 Answers
    I've been with my boyfriend for over a year now, and we started really good. We always have been. Over the summer he decided he didn't want a girlfriend, and broke up with me. It completely tore me apart and changed me. Well four days later he told me that it felt like there was something missing, and he does love me, so we got back together. Well now he is being indecisive again, and is telling me he isn't sure what he wants. I really don't want to lose him I've never been this comfortable, or had this much in common with someone. When we were talking one of his reasons for debating on breaking up was that I do everything in my power for him, and he claims that he doesn't do enough for me. I don't think that's a good reason to break up with someone. Then I found out that he was at the bar and was trying to find a reason to break up with me, but when he talks to me about it he cries and I can tell it's not what he wants. When he came home that night from the bar he was trashed, beyond normal thinking. I mean I actually changed his clothes and took out his contacts for him, but I don't care right? I don't know what to think. I also felt that he only got that trashed because of me. I can't take this anymore, I have major trust issues and it is hard for me to completely drop my guard for someone, so now that I did I'm in shambles. I don't know if he just wants to be able to go to the bar with no strings attached, if he's doing it to impress his friends, or what is going on. The biggest thing that keeps throwing me off is him telling me he loves me after we end a phonecall or I drop him off too, when I'm not the one who says it first. Someone please help me out.



    I mean I do get aggravated when he goes to the bar all the time and comes home at random hours of the night expecting me there (which I always am unfortunately). Although how am I not supposed to be worried when he drinks he acts like he's four and none of his friends take care of him, they have left him places and everything, plus they all drive drunk. And he gets pretty flirtatious when drunk. Of course it is going to bother me to a certain extent. Also his friends don't like me for these reasons... and are in his ear like the little devil on your shoulder saying this and that about me... it just keeps escalating. Am I crowding him?


    Update... Can it be someone else. Since he tells his friends he wants to break up with me yet he's had his chance.. cried and hasn't done it... can it be that he is falling for another girl and is just keeping me here in case it isn't going to work with her?

    Last edited by pinnyxqueen; Nov 27, 2007 at 08:18 AM.
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    15 Answers
    mafiaangel180's Avatar
    mafiaangel180 Posts: 629, Reputation: 103
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    #2

    Nov 27, 2007, 07:18 AM
    Good lord... we seem to be in the same boat. My boyfriend said he didn't want a relationship right now, though he loves me. I give him a lot, and I think it makes him feel less of a man because he isn't in the right spot in his life to give me what he thinks I need too. So yeah, flat out, he's scared. That's my opinion on the whole thing. He's scared of commitment. Just give him no contact and let him miss you.
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    poseidon's Avatar
    poseidon Posts: 235, Reputation: 52
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    #3

    Nov 27, 2007, 07:29 AM
    Hello pinnyxqueen,

    I very much doubt that you are heading toward a nervous breakdown. I honestly believe that you are suffering the way most of us suffer when a relationship between someone we care about finishes or appears to be failing.

    Forgive me for saying so but I believe he is the one with the problem, not you. He obviously knows how much you care for him and I believe he is treating you very unfairly.

    If he is so indecisive and cannot make his mind up about how the relationship is going to be, I am afraid that I feel eventually either you or he will end it once and for all.

    If he really loves you, as he says, he would not expect you to jump through hoops for him. He would accept your love and return it, not just say it after you have finished talking to each other.

    I would suggest you try to get him to tell you fully and honestly what he feels the problem is with your relationship.

    Although this may not be of any comfort to you at the moment, I can promise you that if you and/or he do decide completely end your relationship, you will recover and you will find someone who knows how to treat you properly.

    I am 60 years old now and have been happily married for 30 years but when I was younger I had my heart broken more than once and never thought I would ever get over it at the time, but I did. There are literally millions of men and women who have been through the same situation and this will always be.

    It's like having a boil on your rear end, you don't know which way to turn or how you can sit down. But that boil heals, and I promise that you will too.

    Just give it time.

    Good luck and happiness.

    Cy
    (Poseidon)

    Addendum: Thank you for your comment. You are right of course. In the words of Neil Sedaka (Ever heard of him?), 'Breaking up is hard to do'. Unfortunately it always will be.
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    mafiaangel180's Avatar
    mafiaangel180 Posts: 629, Reputation: 103
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    #4

    Nov 27, 2007, 07:33 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by pinnyxqueen
    : yeah, I agree. But last time when we had no contact , he came right back I can't have him keep doing this to me. It destroys me everytime it happens. My friends even tell me I'm not the same.

    The thing is, when he contacts you asking for you back... ignore him for a few days. If you feel like you want him back you lay down the law and you tell him what you will and won't stand for. The relationship has to change.
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    pinnyxqueen's Avatar
    pinnyxqueen Posts: 6, Reputation: 1
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    #5

    Nov 27, 2007, 07:36 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by mafiaangel180
    The thing is, when he contacts you asking for you back...ignore him for a few days. If you feel like you want him back you lay down the law and you tell him what you will and won't stand for. The relationship has to change.
    True. I know I have to stand up for myself that's what I've been told. And it is just so strange that I am one of the last people you would expect in this situation... I'm usually the first one to stand up for myself or my friends but in this case I just feel vulnerable.
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    mafiaangel180's Avatar
    mafiaangel180 Posts: 629, Reputation: 103
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    #6

    Nov 27, 2007, 07:42 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by pinnyxqueen
    True. I know I have to stand up for myself that's what I've been told. And it is just so strange that I am one of the last people you would expect in this situation...I'm usually the first one to stand up for myself or my friends but in this case I just feel vulnerable.
    Yeah, I am the same way sometimes. Raise your expectations chica, make him step up and be a better man! Even if you don't end up with him, at least you will know that you showed him you are worthy of a decisive man. And that will make you feel proud!
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    pinnyxqueen's Avatar
    pinnyxqueen Posts: 6, Reputation: 1
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    #7

    Nov 27, 2007, 07:49 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by mafiaangel180
    Yeah, I am the same way sometimes. Raise your expectations chica, make him step up and be a better man!! Even if you don't end up with him, at least you will know that you showed him you are worthy of a decisive man. And that will make you feel proud!

    Thanks you are really helping me out.
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    pinnyxqueen's Avatar
    pinnyxqueen Posts: 6, Reputation: 1
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    #8

    Nov 27, 2007, 07:51 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by poseidon

    I would suggest you try to get him to tell you fully and honestly what he feels the problem is with your relationship.

    And as for that... he has really horrible communication problems... I sat with him and said just let me know what you are thinking... or how you feel... what is the problem... and his answer as usual was I don't know. Or silence.
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    mafiaangel180's Avatar
    mafiaangel180 Posts: 629, Reputation: 103
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    #9

    Nov 27, 2007, 08:07 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by pinnyxqueen
    thanks you are really helping me out.
    Glad to be of help! I hope everything works out!
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    pinnyxqueen's Avatar
    pinnyxqueen Posts: 6, Reputation: 1
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    #10

    Nov 29, 2007, 10:12 AM
    Not sure what he wants. Help please.
    So my boyfriend broke up with me the other night. I'm completely and utterly confused. Everything he said didn't make any sense or contradicted itself. Like first he told me that he just didn't care, that after a year and a half he just didn't care. It wasn't gradual not caring either it came out of nowhere. Then not too long after that he told me he does care about me... and since he did this once before, he can't keep doing this. He also said he knows he is going to miss me and he isn't going to be able to stop thinking about me. I haven't talked to him in two days. I got mad and told him I was getting rid of the things he got for me and he was out of my life, I needed time to heal. But he seemed really hurt by this, he said not to get rid of the stuff to just set it aside. Why would he say this. During our conversation I brought up the last time he broke up with me, like how it's the same pattern. Although he kept insisting this time is different. He said he wants to be on his own and be able to do what he wants when he wants. The thing is though, he had that freedom I wasn't a crazy girlfriend we both did our own thing and spent time together which is why we had such a good relationship. So I said well the only thing you can't do is sleep around, or mess up, and I asked him if that's what he really wanted. He told me no but I'm not sure. A friend of mine said that she thinks he might have realized he cared about me too much and it scared him, I mean he did tear up while talking to me. I just don't know what to think. Do you think he's going to try and come back like last time, or is it another girl. Can you honeslty not care about someone you "love" after like a night... when you were with them for a year. I don't get it. All I can do is think about the situation, and get stressed. I hope he will come back, but I also don't want to keep my hopes up for them to be crushed. And I'm not sure what I will do if he does come back. I want to text or call so bad but I know I shouldn't. I don't know anymore, it's really taking a toll on me. Plus he wants everything it seems... he said he still wants me in his life. He called me when I was leaving hhis house that night of the breakup and he kept saying sorry sorry sorry for not being in your life... what does he expect me to do... oh sure you shattered my heart but we can be best buddies... sorry no.
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