| i'm lost...
i have a close group of friends since high school.
4 years ago, my friends who were a couple broke up...
although i knew of the unspoken rule that you should never go out with your friend's boyfriend... i did.
it didn't have a good ending. 9 months later, he broke up with me...stating the reason that he believes we would be happier only as friends.
i couldn't believe him or understand what was going on. all those promises... i always wondered if he still felt something for his ex-girlfriend.... and how he always assured me that i was everything to him...
a year later...as i was still waiting and hoping that one day he would come back to me, i found out from another friend from the group that he had been calling her everyday, trying to get her back... all the while that i was waiting for him...
my world crashed down on me... for the next 3 years, i spent my time living my own life, getting back on my own 2 feet....swearing that i'll never be stupid again.
so we remained as friends in the same group...i did my best to put it all behind me...
then, a year ago, he came back and asked me if he could ask me out again. this time, i asked for an explaination as to why he broke up with me....he said he wanted to find out if he could be as happy with 'her' as he was with me. but then he realised she's changed (she didn't want to be with him).
needless to say, i was devastated to know that everything i could have imagined was true.... even though it had been so long, i still cried my heart out...
however, even though i didn't give him a chance then, he kept waiting for me...kept doing these little acts of love for me...
with time, i softened... i started to forgive him...and i started to trust him again...
2 months ago, we got back together. he made me so happy once more....
but since we got back together, he became somewhat different...no more little notes of love, no real dates (or rather, no plans of any romantic dates). i had to ask him to buy me a little accessory so that i could wear it every day and be reminded of him....
i was reminding him so often in the last 2 weeks that it was impossible how he could forget to get me anything....and even if he were really that busy, how could he not get me anything? i gave up... it was beginning to sound like i was begging for it.
last night, i discovered during one of our evening chats that for about 1.5 years, (before he wanted me again) he was actively going after yet another girl from college...but nothing came out of it..because the girl wasn't ready for him and ended up with someone else.
upon hearing this, i felt so hurt...such disappointment.
it was already difficult to play second fiddle...knowing very well that i was never his number one girl...
but the sad truth is, i'm way further than that...i'm number 3 or who knows? i could have been the last resort on his mental list of potential partners...
how do you spend the rest of your life knowing that you're never gonna be good enough for your partner, and always having to compare yourself with two other women, whom are prettier, smarter, taller, slimmer and sexier that you can ever be??
my pride tells me it's time to leave him for good... i can't go on like this, always comparing myself with other women and feeling so small, insignificant and worthless...
my heart on the other hand aches for him and needs him so badly...
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