Hi, thanks for coming to help out. I don't want to go on a whole large rant, but I do want to make sure tht anyone reading this truly gets what I am talking about.

My name is Kevin and I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for a little over a year now. I met her in High school and she is a year older than me. She went to college for a year and I finished up high school and now we are going to be going to the same college. We lasted a whole year of long distance, and are happily togeather.

Before I tell you about myself, i want to say some things about her. She is an amazing girl and girlfriend! She is not one of the girls with a sexy flaunty attitude, but instead, she is an intellectual with a cute attitude and a very cute look. She works hard at school and barely ever parties, and when it comes to guys, she tries to stay away from them all.

Me on the other hand, I am an intellectual as well and study hard and, becasue she does it, I stay away form girls as well. Even though we are basically the same, I am a <b>LOT</b> more insecure and jelous than she is. when a girl talks to me, she does get a little upset, but when she is around boys, I am always nervous and have to ask if she thinks that he is attractive and what not.

There has been an incident once, when we were 4 months in, she was at a party in college and was with her friend and a drunk boy walked up to her from her old school and they were talking. When she was walking out, he pulled on her shirt and she said she had to go. the guy quickly dove in a kissed her, and she says she pulled away right away! She told her mom, her friend, and therapist this but me, I find it hard to believe. I know she is tellign the truth, but my mind just won't let me accept it.

She has never given me a reason to doubt her. She even told the boy a couple days after that she has a boyfriend and can not do anything with him.. I guess he was just a gdrunk guy looking for a hookup. the same happened to me with a girl and I feel horrible. After that we decided we would not drink without each other tc.

Anyways, I need help. I am over jelous and controlling. She has ever tough a guy other than me, and I have had sex with a couple other girls, yet I am so so so jelous with the fact that she kissed a couple guys, and had her shirt and bra off with one of them.. You guys don't understand, whe I think about it, my heart feels like there is a knot around it. And after i think about it, her going anywhere without me makes me feel like she likes someone else. When I don't here from her wfor a while, it makes me feel like she is losing interest. When we are togeather, its amazing.. she never lets me forget the fact that she loves me, but when we are appart, I am a mess..

I don't sleep when she is out with friends and can't concentrate when she is out, and I alwayse bring up her and the past guys she kissed and the college situation

I know I have a problem and I need to fix it. I don't want to lose this amazing girl because of my brain..

I believe it comes to me because I had a relationship before where the girl cheated on me twice and I was a mess, but I can;t give excuses.

Can someone please tlak some sence into me.. I don;t want to waste my happiness thinking about how she might break up with me or is losing interest. She loves me so much and is not one to ever cheat on me.. she likes to promise me we will be together forever..

I don't want to hurt ehr anymore and do not want to push ourselves away. If someone cal please suggest some ways to feel better and stop, I would really appreciate it. I want to go to therapy and get everything worked out.

Thanks for taking this time to help me with my problems..

Kevin

jrsg

You already know what you are thinking is wrong, so I don't know what I can say.
I think that you should trust her more...SHE IS YOUR GIRLFRIEND FOR A YEAR+! That is pretty damn good. TRUST HER, she TRUSTS YOU!

If she is attractive, there will be other guys who will try to pick her up, IT IS GOING TO HAPPEN! Just TRUST that she will turn down these guys. Trust me, a guy commenting her is not going to erase the year you guys have been dating.

JBeaucaire

Do you know any guys who ever hit someone for no reason? Did you do it, too? No? So you shouldn't be punished for something some other random guy did that you don't? Are you sure? Maybe you should be punished for other's sins.
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Ever heard of a guy killing someone, or raping, or cheating, or stealing? You do any of these things? No? Shouldn't you be punished anyway? I mean, after all, SOMEBODY did them!
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Now, back to you. If you really, REALLY want to control this, think about what FAILING to control these behaviors will get you. Do you really think a girl as awesome and level-headed and smart and desireable as she is will hang around for someone who puts her into a defense mode over things she hasn't even done? How long do you think this will KEEP this girl?

I bet you're smart enough to know the answer is not much longer.

Guys will always find her attractive. Guys will always try and hit on her, even after you two get married. Why? Because they will!! And it will have nothing to do with her, it is simply walking through the universe being awesome. That's attractive.

You really need to be doing the same thing...Walking through the universe confident and awesome. You don't date your girl to GET something from her, you date her to GIVE her something, your absolute best. Nothing more.

She doesn't get nor deserve your insecurities. She doesn't have to deal with your frailties FOR you, you protect her from them, because she deserves only the best in life, even from you.

You do that, and she does the same for you, you two are destined for great love. Sacrificial love is about giving up something to find something even better. You give up your need to think you're the only one who could love her or be attracted to her. You give up the need to control her every moment. You give up selfish "she's mine" thinking.

You get an awesome girl who sees your confidence, your growing maturity and involvement in other things, your ambitions and love for her, and she wants to be around that more and more.

You win. But only if you lose the need to pursue these selfish feelings and thoughts. Lose them totally.

Is that enough?

talaniman

Sounds like a great idea to me.

thedirtymustard

Thank you so far for these answers.

I understnad that I need to lose this feeling, but my problem is how to do it. Every time I think about it, I try and try to overcome the thoughts of something going on by supressing them and by thinking of all the good, but its not enough. I feel drained and tired after this. I want to be able to trust her and feel it. I also want to not only know she loves me, but let my guard down and FEEL like she lives me. The only way I feel it is when we are together, but I want to still feel it when we are apart. Please help me out.

Thanks

talaniman

How old are you?

manga

put some value on yourself and don't rely on her to make them for you. You need to have a healthy self-esteem then those feelings will diminish. Working it out with yourself as if you're building a healthy relationship like you would with her. You are someone to yourself besides the people around you.

MulhollandDGirl

my ex was just like you. I hated that he felt like he couldn't trust me because he should've known by my personality that i wouldn't have any random hookups, ever. Realize that every girl, basically, loves it so much more when they're with their boyfriends, if she were the "random hookup" person she would've dumped you. She loves you if she has had a longdistance relationship with you without breaking up, she could've had so many reasons as to why you should've broke up, but she hasn't. that is like the ultimat sign of loyalty and love.

It probably sucks to hear this, but you are pushing her away with your jealousy, that's why i broke up with my ex. I felt like i was the bad person and i got really low selfesteem because of it, in the end i just couldn't take it anymore.

Trust her loyalty, because she has earned it.

f104

dirtyMustare I know exactly what you are talking about. I have been there and it feels absolutely horrible. The saddest thing about it is that the more we try to control a person the less control we have.

You can change but it will take alot of work on your part. I used to convince myself that the women I was with were going to cheat on me. Eventually I cheated on them as I had convinced myself they would cheat on me. The thing was they never ever cheated on me.

If your GF is going to cheat on you there is nothing you can do about it. If you cheat on your GF there is nothing she can do about it.

Trust takes time to develop. Making promises to drink or not drink does not build trust. Promising to not go out with certain people or avoiding certain places does not build trust.


It is important that you and her have interests and friends seperate from one another. It is important that you both spend time apart from one another(even if only a couple of days a week) so trust develops. It will be hard at first and terrifying for you. But chances are if you really care about one another trust will build and the relationship will grow stronger.

I wish you all the best and I know exactly where you are coming from. It has taken be years of hard work to overcome jealousy and the like. YOu can do it but it will take time. I wish you all the best.

thedirtymustard

"my ex was just like you. I hated that he felt like he couldn't trust me because he should've known by my personality that i wouldn't have any random hookups, ever. Realize that every girl, basically, loves it so much more when they're with their boyfriends, if she were the "random hookup" person she would've dumped you. She loves you if she has had a longdistance relationship with you without breaking up, she could've had so many reasons as to why you should've broke up, but she hasn't. that is like the ultimat sign of loyalty an"

Yea I understand where you are coming from. She, though, has had random hookups a few times in high school, but has never ever touched or done anythign with any guys.. Thats understandable becasue I did that, and a lot more. Are you saying that even though she did do that, she would never now?


And f104, thank you for that. I like to hear of people who are in the same situation to learn from there experiences. I think that the last 10 days I have been doing that. She has been in CT and can only talk once a day at 12pm. I was doing ok, until today.. My heart felt like it was going to explode.