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I am not in this position yet, but if I do get there, I'd like to know how to handle it....and I'm sure a lot of other people would too.
What if your ex or soon-to-be ex drops one of these bombs on you:
"Let's be friends"
"I couldn't stand to lose you as a friend"
"I still need you in my life"
blah blah blah.......no one really ever wants to be on the receiving end of one of these remarks.
I know it is best for one's personal growth if they go to No Contact and move on with their own lives.....thereby becoming stronger. But if you are in this situation and someone tells you the "Friend" statement, what do you say to them at that moment? I mean, if deep down you still really want to be with them, what do you say? I know any type of possible reconciliation process would be really slow, and that your personal growth is way more important. Also keep in mind, if someone actually goes through with being that friend after they were dumped....it can be VERY detrimental to any progress they have made.
I was thinking you should leave them hanging or just tell them flat out no, and let them dwell on that. For instance you might say:
"Sorry, but do you realize just how much you are asking of me to be friends with you?"
OR
"I don't think that's possible."
I'd like to hear people's opinions of how they would handle this situation....especially the right way to go about it in keeping possibility for the future alive (but also keeping your control and dignity in this situation).
I like the answer "Sorry, but do you realize just how much you are asking of me to be friends with you".
When someone says that they still want you to be in their life as a friend, etc. what are they really saying? Are they wanting to keep that door open just in case the next relationship does not work out? Then you would be the soft shoulder to cry on?
Sometimes being the friend after a break up is possible, with definite boundaries set. If, for nothing else, for your own emotional protection.
good point shy. Maybe they want to make sure you don't totally leave out of their life just in case after more time has gone by, they decide that it was truly a better life with you around. This could be a reason for wanting to be friends.
I am more partial to the idea of "Sorry, but do you realize just how much you are asking of me to be friends with you?" The reason for this is because it shows that you are strong willed and can live without them but also does not completely shut the door emphatically by saying NO I won't be your friend/leave me alone. It leaves room for interpretation on their part and will probably leave them thinking more about the situation.
Another approach might be to agree to be friends with them (giving that other person peace)....but not be a proactive sort of friend. For instance, you can be there for them whenever they reach out to you. But do not reach out to them first in ANY situation....as you show you are just fine without them.
when my ex finished it with me, he said I will still be your friend, but he had also mentioned a clean break?! he didn't know what he wanted.
I said to him, I can't be friends, no. I think it hurts far too much being friends with an ex. It is hard for someone to go from being very close with someone to being one of their 'mates'. Also, I think when people say they want to be your friend, it just means that they won't ignore if they see you in the street or something. It's not like they are going to all of a sudden have you as a friend that they would invite out to places etc.I guess people have different sutuations though.
I know any type of possible reconciliation process would be really slow
And how do you know this? I am sincere in this....where have we seen any ex's reconciling after breaking up who can verify that this is really how it goes?
Quote:
Originally Posted by MeeDee23
I'd like to hear ....especially the right way to go about it in keeping possibility for the future alive (but also keeping your control and dignity in this situation).
There is no way to keep the "future alive" since the relationship ended back there and not facing that fact will not only cause harm but it will interfere with dignity too. No one feels more foolish than the one who discovers they fooled themself. If anything at all is to happen again, it will have to begin again as something new. And since the real life odds of that occurring are so phenomenally remote, it explains why we aren't hearing about how coming apart and coming together again actually works.
At the risk of belaboring this point too much, I think its really unkind to hold out false hope to hurting people thinking there is some magic way to get their ex back if "you will only do this or that or something else". Truth speaks volumes here. You can correct me if I am wrong (and please do) but no one is posting how it works to restore a very damaged relationship from their own personal experiences except me, no offense. And my experience did not include breaking up .... although it came damn close with the arranged separation. I believe that 99% of ex's, barring no extreme stuff like abuse, willl place their ex in a catagory that is like a slightly uncomfortable relative and that is what they mean when they call you "friend." They simply want assurance you are not enemies, that's all.
So in all fairness, even though this has been asked before and remained unanswered then ... I am all ears for anyone who would care to say how it works to get back together after you've broken up since that is essentially what is being asked here too.
interesting topic, i had posted something similiar on my update.
If you say do you realize how much that you are asking of me etc etc../.it sounds a bit dramatic and needy to me.
<<Another approach might be to agree to be friends with them (giving that other person peace)....but not be a proactive sort of friend. For instance, you can be there for them whenever they reach out to you. But do not reach out to them first in ANY situation....as you show you are just fine without them.>>
this is more like it i think...
If a girl tells you id like to stay friends i think to say "NO" will get you out of her life right away..
i think this is actually the best approach. Tell her "ok so lets be just friends" and wait for her to initiate all contact.
The idea is to appear strong.
I think getting back together with someone after a break up can work. IF the original issues for the break up have been worked through. However, if issues have not been addressed the chances of that relationship working is slim.
I think getting back together with someone after a break up can work. IF the original issues for the break up have been worked through. However, if issues have not been addressed the chances of that relationship working is slim.
I agree very much with you Tuscany. You only need look in the real world to see celebrities divorce and remarry the same person, only to divorce again--- to know how common it is that those original issues were not dealt with even with all those chances!
The only way it works for ex's to rejoin successfully falls in between breaking it off completely forever and doing the break up again and again, never dealing with the issues---- and that is to arrange some kind of "hold" on the relationship whilst the issues are worked out. Now I ask you once someone is out of a relationship, why would they want to return to a relationship only to face that? And there really isn't any way to do an "end run" around all that work-it-out part either. Here is how you can know how true this is-- if there was an "end run" way possible, people would be DOING IT!!!! And we would all know about it too because they would be talking about it, everywhere!!
Although I miss talking to my ex about things, I simply cannot do the "friends" thing with him. During our breakup, he asked me to be friends, but our breakup occurred because he met another girl and left me for her. I was very, very hurt by this. This breakup came out of nowhere for me too.
How was I supposed to be his friend after such a thing? I mean, my pre-existing "friends" and I discuss relationships, who we date, etc. Was I honestly expected to be my ex's friend and listen to the gory details of his relationship with the girl he dumped me for? According to him, apparently! A little salt in my wound was nothing in his mind. I think he honestly expected me to come over and hang out with him and the girl he dumped me for as "friends".
I think that if a breakup has been mutual and no one was really hurt in the process or wronged, a friendship may be possible after a while. But if either party has been hurt, it's more complicated...the dumper may just be keeping in touch and being nice to the dumpee to alleviate his or her guilt, even thinking they may want to keep the ex on the back burner " just in case", while the dumpee feels the hurt and rejection over and over again with each contact from the dumper. If there are still romantic feelings on the part of the dumpee, they can also hold out hope for a reconcilliation, feeling let down over and over on top of pre-existing pain. Not sure how this type of "friendship" can work. I couldn't do it, but if anyone else can, three cheers.
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